the hard place....

Looking at the date of my last post... February 15th... is it possible that it's really been that long since I last wrote on this little blog of mine? So much has happened since then. I had my 43rd birthday and things have gone downhill from there! No, it's not connected but at the same time it's been since then that I have entered into a very hard and painful time.

I had been off for the weekend and had a nice break from the daily stuff of work and then I returned to the announcement being made that layoffs would be taking place. 190 people were about to loose their jobs. Only... we had to wait a week from the time of the announcement until the actual moment the whole process began. It was agonizing! We wondered who would be chosen. In some ways I wanted to be selected... pick me... someone who wants to leave to go back to school rather than choosing someone who maybe the single parent or the sole breadwinner in their household. Pick me rather than someone who has a family member with health issues where this insurance covers them. Pick me... and yet... I knew I had no say in the matter.

The day finally came when the layoffs began. The first day it was in another building... tech people were affected. The next day they came to our building... and my Senior manager was the first to be walked out. I saw him walk by but thought he was going to get something... and then later we received a call from him. He had been chosen. I tried to be strong for my manager who was struggling and afraid for her job. I tried not to fall apart but as the day wore on I grew angrier. Finally as the day was done I walked past his desk on my way to the bathroom and saw someone packing his personal belongings... I went to the bathroom and sobbed....

I've been with this company for almost 9 years. This man hired me, kept my job for me as my son went through Leukemia, fought battles for me, encouraged me, gave me responsibilities because he knew he could trust me to do it right, he was my boss for the majority of my time here. He moved to the Senior Manager role almost 2 years ago and filled those shoes nicely... although the upper level management didn't like the job he did.... and so... they let this man with so much knowledge... this man who cared about his associates... they let this man go and then tried to lie and say the position had been eliminated..... which in fact, they already had the next person lined up to step in. I was mad.

My manager was safe for the time being. We encountered many changes after the layoffs. A new Senior Manager, a process change, our team moved to the other end of the building where we got new phones, smaller desks, new seating arrangement... it was a lot for me to handle and I wasn't doing well. Slowly the dust began to settle and I was beginning to accept that things had to continue and that somehow I had to get my head above water and see a different perspective. Then one day 2 weeks ago... my direct manager and dear friend... was fired. 

As I was packing up her desk (because I didn't want anyone else touching her stuff) I was shaking and grieving. Dan being laid off was like a death and now this... this was 2 in less then a month... it was more than I could handle. The woman who fired my manager (and friend) came and tried to offer... some kind of consolation but I unleashed... I knew what had happened and how they had been set up. I knew the upper level management had an agenda and Dan & Briget didn't fit in any more. Two good people with so much knowledge.... gone.... and our team was a mess.... and the upper level didn't care! "Well, we'll need all of you to pull together and think of our clients now"!! Are you kidding me?!?

Since then... I've been processing... walking the road of grief and loss all over again. They weren't just my bosses... they were my friends... but they were also like family to me. It's true... I haven't been dealing very well with it all and it shows on my face and in my body language. 

Our church is doing this series on being emotionally healthy and it's God's timing that it's going on right now when I'm dealing with so much. I've cried so much in the last 30 days... everyday since the layoffs... I'm tired and weary from my grief and the loss of my friends. I know... just like in death this is probably a good thing for them and I know Dan looks like the guy I knew when I first started working there... his smile is back... but at the same time... I deal daily with their absence. Just like in death you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on in this "new normal" that is hard and a place you don't want to be. I know that at some point I will see God's goodness in all of this but for right now... I'm struggling. I know He's there and I know He wants to hold me but part of me doesn't FEEL Him... doesn't see Him in this. My heart is broken.... I hurt.... and once again I need the warm blanket of His love and grace to surround me.

I know.... He lives. I know... He has a plan and a purpose in everything He causes us to go through. I know... He will use this for my good and His glory. I know... He loves me even in this. I know... He loves me in the midst of my hurt. I know... He's still holding my hands... but for right now... I've fallen on my behind side and I'm crying because it hurts. Jesus please pick me up again and lead me on in your plans and purposes for my life. Please pick me up and show me that you're still there... loving me and holding me. Jesus take care of Dan & Briget and their families. Be their provider and help them to learn to trust You in all of this. Help ME to trust you in the midst of all of this.

Thank you for reading... and for praying for me like I know you will...

Bonnelle