Tuesday I saw a counselor and talked about this whole situation and she explained to me about how our minds imagine situations which may or may not happen and it's as if we are prepared to react before those situations arise....
So basically... I was holding onto a lie... a lie that I needed to defend GOD who doesn't need defending... a lie that I would be attacked again like I was when I was little... a lie that I would be backed into a corner, unable to get out. None of those things happened but my mind and body were prepared for the attack... to the point where I physically ached for a couple of days afterwards.
This scripture has been going through my head since then:
"The poor, deluded fool feeds on ashes. He trusts something that can't help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask, "Is this idol that I'm holding in my hand a lie?" (Isaiah 44:20)
Today as I was waiting for class to begin I read this from a devotional:
I have a Great Work to Do
(Overcoming being offended)
"Sanballat & Geshen sent to me, saying, 'Come, let us meet together... in the plain of Ono.' But they thought to do me harm. So I sent messengers to them; saying, 'I am doing a great work so that I should not come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?'" (Neh. 6:2-3)
"Our adversary is constantly inviting us to meet with him in the valleys of "Ono". One of the things he want to talk with us about is how we are justified in being offended by the actions of others. Being offended meant that we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. All of us will experience things like these. It is important, however, to realize that the mistreatment itself does not cause the offense; but we choose to be offended when we place more value on protecting ourselves than for the call we have and the assignment we have been given."
"...being easily offended causes a "going down" from the high place of God."
"Do you sense God has given you a great assignment to devote yourself to? If you don't, you will be tempted to go to the valley of Ono to dwell on offense rather than on God's vision for your life."
Choosing to be offended... means choosing to hold onto the lie. It's protecting myself against what "might" happen (which is a lie) rather than focusing on the call God has placed on my life (the Truth).
I read a little more of this story in Nehemiah and after several attempts of trying to get Nehemiah to come down to them ... to the point of threatening him even... he replied with, "There is no truth in any part of your story. You are making up the whole thing."
I don't want to hold onto the offenses of the past any longer. I don't want to listen to the lies the enemy whispers in my ears in the valley of Ono any longer. There is no truth in what the enemy says to me! I want to instead focus on the Truth of God's Word and listen to the Words He whispers to me... don't be afraid... I'm right here with you. I will protect you. There's no need to be offended because I will deal with them in My time. Keep your eyes focused on me and do the work I have called you to.
So here I am... letting go of the anger... the fear... the offenses of the past and I turn my eyes toward You Lord and the "Great Work" You have set before me.