Clarification...

Last night as I was typing an explanation for Tobiah & Sanballat (see previous post) when new revelation dawned and brought clarification to the Tobiah & Sanballat in my life.

My Tobiah & Sanballat aren't necessarily people like my friends in Wisconsin or at work, because the Bible says we do not fight against flesh and blood. The Lord revealed to me that my Tobiah & Sanballat are in the spiritual realm and they are really fear & intimidation. It's a tool the enemy uses against me quite frequently. The enemy comes in and whispers all sorts of things like the lies I wrote about the other night... 

The verse in Nehemiah 4:2 - "What does this bunch of poor, feeble Jews think they're doing? Do they think they can build the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap - and charred ones at that?' Tobiah goes on to say in verse 3 "That stone wall would collapse if even a fox walked along the top of it!" What are the lies you hear in your head? I hear... "What do you think you're doing?" at times when I'm fasting and seeking God on things I hear, "Do you really think this works?" at times when I'm trying to stand firm on something I believe in I hear, "That won't work! It will collapse and then where will you be?" or "Do you really think God can take the pieces of your burned out tired life and make something out of it?", "You're just poor and feeble, who do you think you are?"

See, the enemy whispers in my ear and what I have to do is continue to stand on the word of the Lord. Tobiah & Sanballat aren't necessarily the 'people' in my life... I'm reminded of the card from She Speaks that listed all those things, "Fear, Doubt, Discouragement, Criticism" (there were more)... I wish I had that CD to listen to right now! It's the things the enemy whispers in our ears to keep us from moving forward in the call of God on our life. See when I came back from the conference in June I felt I was supposed to take an English class, that God was re-enforcing the desire I had to write and that He was telling me that because of all He had done in my life that I could share about it and tell others about His goodness. And then studying for this exam at work came up and I was approved to enter this 'class' at work and all I had gained from the conference went on a shelf... again.

I realized last night that studying is coming between my and my family. I work 8-9 hours a day, then go and study for another 3-4 and by the time my family sees me I'm tired and there's nothing left. My family is more important to me then my job. I need to spend time building up the hedge of protection around my family rather than seeing it crumble. What I realized last night was that I was allowing fear & intimidation to hold me in something that I don't really want to do.

The purpose behind the 7 is so you can eventually talk to clients about investments. I don't want to do that. I'm not looking to be a manager or even an assistant manager because the ones I see at work have become so stressed out and that stress has already begun to pile on me. Really taking the 7 is just a waste of time for me because it opens up doors I really don't have any desire to go through. What I would really like to do is by an assistant for someone - basically be a secretary. One of my strengths is to be a supportive person. I would really love to be this "Event Coordinator" at work and schedule meetings and take notes. =) It sounds so much easier and I've learned this week that his family is very important to him. They were making flight arrangements for him and he insisted on being back for his boys' first day of school and he refused to miss it. I remember when I started working at Ameritrade family was important. They didn't have over-time because they felt it was more important to spend time with your families in the evenings. Somehow, it feels like it's gotten away from that. I'm not saying this new job will be perfect and I know there will be stress there too but what I'm saying is I don't think I'm supposed to keep studying for the Series 7. I've been afraid of turning my book in because I didn't want to disappoint my Manager & Sr Manager because I know this was their way of helping me get the raise I deserve. I know their intent behind it is to help me move up in the company but I really don't want to keep doing the same things I've been doing for the last 8 years. Something my manager has been saying quite a bit to me lately is that they're looking for people who will put forth more effort than just coming and doing your job until 4:30 and leaving. They want people to put forth more effort and do the things required to gain advancement and the rewards that go along with that. But see, the thing is, that's what I've been doing for the last 3 years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere and now they want more from me? I don't think so!! 

Today is my anniversary and I want to spend the day with my husband. Brittney leaves next week for college and I want to spend as much time with her as possible. Josiah is in a big transition now too and he needs my support and love. This is what's important to me. Not my job... 

Anyone who reads this blog I ask that you would pray for me. Pray for God's direction to be clear and that I wouldn't let fear & intimidation & doubt continue to whisper in my ear. Pray that I hear the Lord's voice over the lies and that His path is made clear to me in the days ahead. Pray for strength and courage to rise up inside of me and that I would stand firm on what I believe is important to God. 

Bonnelle