December 2nd...

I remember this day, 18 years ago.... like it was yesterday. Being extremely large with child, going into the hospital to be induced for what would be the last time.... the extremely FAST birth of my youngest and largest child and the concern in my doctor's eyes. But more than anything... I remember that night, when I looked out the window while holding you in my arms... there were these light snowflakes falling... it was such a beautiful night. I remember wondering... Was this what Mary felt like the night Jesus was born? So filled with awe and wonder... and a "knowing" that this child in my arms was different... special.

I just want you to know that I still miss you... I wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday. I wish I could have watched you grow into a young man. However, in all my wishes I'm thankful... thankful for the years we did have with you... thankful that you're safe in Jesus arms... thankful that one day we will see each other again and thankful that when I do see you again... will be even more joyous than the first!

I love you little buddy! Happy 18th Birthday!

tonight....

Tonight my heart is so full and so thankful... not just because tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day but because... I'm just so thankful for God's grace on my life.... it never, never ceases to amaze me.

Things I'm thankful for....

• My beautiful daughter is getting married in 9 months to a really sweet young man! Today we looked at dresses!! As I sat and watched her try on each one... I was just amazed at God's goodness! 
• My handsome son who seems to grow taller by the day... what a fine young man he has become! He is strong and healthy and loves God and his boots! :) I'm just amazed at God's faithfulness!
• My beautiful angel boy who waits for me in Heaven. I know he's having such a great time playing in God's big, big house! I'm just amazed at God's grace!
• My wonderful husband who truly has stuck by my side for better or for worse... we have definitely had our share of hard times but in the end... we love each other more today than 25 years ago when we were young & foolish! I'm amazed at God's love!
• My family who has helped me more times than I can count! For praying for me, loving me & loving God with me! Thank you mom & dad for the wonderful examples that you were & for showing me what it means to love deeply until death do us part! I'm so amazed at God's mercy & grace that He would give me you as my family!!
• My dear, dear friends that God has brought into my life... for each season of my life! They too have seen me through some rough roads but their words of encouragement have helped me take each new step... I'm forever grateful for God's kindness!
• Mostly though... I'm thankful for the love of Christ who accepts me as I am and loves me too much to leave me that way! He loves me so much that He gave His life for me... to show me that He is my biggest fan and will keep cheering me on until the day I see Him face to face!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

simply amazed...

"Lord, I'm amazed by You..." is running through my head this morning. I'm just simply amazed at the obvious Hand of God on my life this week...

1) I pretty much walked into a new job without even realizing it. Amazing!
2) I thought I was going to be an assistant table leader and ended up being the leader (while taking a Leadership class at school and participating in Leadership breakfasts... I think He wants me to be a Leader!)... Amazing!
3) He sat me at a table of women where one woman is walking through the grief of loosing a child... Amazing! I wept last night at His Great Love for us.
4) He gives me a new Beth Moore study which currently is reminding me of how God provides for His people in some pretty amazing and astounding ways... and then shows me with personal examples. Amazing!
5) How I started school with one goal in mind and He has redirected my steps to follow His plan for my life... even though I'm not really sure what that will look like in 2 years... but I know He does and He is definitely leading & guiding me!
6) How He allowed me a moment to hug a woman walking the path of "overwhelmed" like I was last year and I could truly say I understood how she felt!
7) I'm just amazed at how He shows me on a daily basis... how much He loves me.

Amazing!

lions and tigers...

This morning, in the early morning hours, I had a dream. Three times. Each time was a continuation and progression of the last. I haven't had anything like that happen and I especially haven't had a dream in a long time that I remembered and saw this clearly. I feel like I'm supposed to write this out here... hopefully I can make this entry shorter than what I wrote in my journal when I first woke up! :)

The first dream, I was inside a room of a cabin-like structure. I went to the door and looked out to see a white tiger coming towards my door. I closed the door but it was just a little half door and the latch was a hook. As I did this, the tiger put its paw on top of the door. I woke up but didn't really feel afraid. The words white siberian tiger came to me and I went back to sleep.

The second dream I was in this same room but this time I was leaning outside and looking out below me to all these kids and trees. I was telling the kids to use the front doors of their cabins and not to play in the back because of the tiger. They heard the word tiger and screamed and started running. Of course with all the commotion, the tiger chased some of the kids away and started to come towards my door. This time I closed a more normal looking door and there was an inside door that I closed and tried to lock. I woke up to hear the scripture, "the devil is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour" and then I went back to sleep.

The third time I was outside the cabin and I was walking up steps to a side door. When I reached the door I saw it was covered in spider webs, the thick, strong type. Ew. I asked the person behind me to get me a stick or a board so I could knock them down and we could go inside. With that, I heard the tiger jump on the deck. I looked up and saw the tiger on the deck up above me and in the same instant, we saw each other. With that, he jumped down through the deck at me. It was like he was going for my neck. I pressed my head to my shoulder and pinned his head to the ground. I didn't feel like he made contact but I had him pinned. With that I woke up... and my head was bent tightly to my shoulder.

When I woke up I felt I should come out and write the dreams out. I got up and put my glasses on and started toward the door but then went and laid back down. But I kept feeling like I should get up.

As I was typing away... I looked up the tiger. White Siberian tigers are very rare and very powerful. They're quiet and able to sneak up on their prey. I learned the attack the nerve at the spinal cord so the prey has a painless death.

The scripture is found in 1 Peter 5:8 but when I looked it up in my Bible, I wrote out the verses around that. Verses 7-9 say:

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are."

What I got from all of this is that as we focus on our worries and our cares... it keeps us open and vulnerable to the attack of the enemy. When we turn them over to God, we are better able to stand firm against him by staying strong in our faith. We trust and rely on God and He is our protection. In my third dream, the deck covered me but somehow there was an opening that he could break through.

I feel like this is a prompting... to draw even closer to the Lord... to remember to turn all my worries and cares over to Him so that I can stay strong in my faith and not waver. Every morning I wake up with a song going through my head. This was the song this morning after the third dream (hopefully the link works):

Closer by Shawn McDonald

thanks...

"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim His greatness.

Let the whole world know what He has done."

(Psalm 105:1 NLT)

This morning I am giving thanks... 1) Because the verse at the end of the devotional I just read had this verse so it was God's voice to me telling me to share... and 2) because my heart is overflowing this morning with thankfulness and I just have to share!

Two of my dear friends from church blessed me with the wonderful experience of attending the Women of Faith conference here in Omaha over the last two days and... it was amazing! There are so many things that God spoke to my heart through the voices and stories of the wonderful ladies who spoke. As I sat and listened to their stories, their hearts, their voices... it was like sitting and having coffee with them... learning more about them... and seeing that their lives are like mine... broken. The difference I saw was they were using their broken life stories to share about how the grace and strength of God had picked them up, put those pieces together and "made something beautiful for His love to shine through."

So this is me... applying the verse God dropped in my heart this morning... giving thanks and proclaiming HIS greatness... He has taken my brokenness and He is putting all those little pieces together to make something beautiful for His Light to shine through!! He has brought healing to my hurting, rejected, broken heart and is making me NEW!! He is using those hard places in life to make me stronger and to help me lean on and rely on Him... a little more than I did yesterday!

God is GREAT and He has touched my heart!!

morning revelations...

So much to share this morning... I apologize in advance for the length of this post! :)

I woke up this morning with thoughts of a conversation I need to have and the fears that were rolling around in my head about dealing with a situation (well... a few different conversations & situations). I have been playing the "what if" game... what if they get mad.... what if they reject me... what if we're not friends any more... what if I'm backed into a corner and I can't find my way out... what if... I can feel in my spirit I need to have these conversations and yet... I've been afraid and not sure how to deal with these fears. So I got up and went for a walk since I knew I wasn't going to be going back to sleep.

As I was walking I heard God speak to my heart... "You can play the "what if" game for the rest of your life and remain in bondage or you can take this step and be obedient and begin walking in freedom." It was a pretty powerful moment... I've missed my morning walks! :)

And then... when I got home I picked up the Made to Crave book to work on the reflection questions. Immediately when I did I felt like I was supposed to re-read the chapter I read a few days ago. I have been feeling frustrated that the scale sure doesn't seem to be moving in the downward direction very fast. Last night though God helped me see the gradual progress is still progress. Anyway... When I went to the chapter to re-read it I found this title.. "I'm Not Defined by the Numbers"... and I chuckled at God. His timing is just so... perfect. It made me smile.

There was so much that spoke to my heart in this chapter... I'll refrain from sharing everything but... this part was just powerful to me:

• God's divine power has given us everything we need to experience victory in our struggles.
• We are to reflect a divine nature - a secure identity in Christ - which helps us escape the corruption of the world and avoid evil [sinful] desires.
• It is through biblical promises that we find the courage to deny unhealthy desires.
• Getting healthy is not just about having faith, goodness, and knowledge. We have to add to that foundation by choosing to be self-controlled and choosing to persevere even when the journey gets really hard.
• These qualities keep us from being ineffective and unproductive in our pursuit of healthy eating and, even more importantly, in our pursuit of growing closer to God.
• If we make the choice to be Jesus girls who offer our willingness to exercise self-control and perseverance to the glory of God, we can lose weight, get healthy, and walk in confidence that it is possible to escape the cycle of losing and gaining back again. We can be victorious. We can step on the scale and except the numbers for what they are - an indication of how much our body weighs - and not an indication of our worth.

But then... there was just a little bit more! She writes:

"My classmate's inadvertent statement was not life and it was not godly. Therefore, I didn't have to internalize it. I could leave it on the gym floor and walk away. That statement didn't belong to me. That statement wasn't my issue. I had a choice to make. I could feed that comment and let it grow into an identity crusher; or I could see it for what it was, a careless comment."

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)

"We can literally say to a comment or a thought that presents itself to us, "Are you true? Are you beneficial? Are you necessary?" And if the answer is no, then we don't open the door of our heart. We make the choice to walk away from the comment and all the negative thoughts it could harvest if we let it in."

I've heard and read this scripture many times but this morning... these words just jumped at me. I have been asking God how I can stop reacting to things out of the scars of the past... how do I respond in a way that displays growth and letting go of the past? And this morning... He gave me the answers through Truth that spoke deeply to my heart.

The things I encountered in my past... the words that were spoken to my little girl heart... they weren't words of life and they weren't godly... those words weren't true then and they aren't true now. They were careless comments made from people where were insecure. Those words... those situations are not beneficial... they weren't then and they certainly aren't now! I hereby make the choice to leave them on the "gym floor" and walk away! No longer will those words and their actions hold me in bondage!

Wow... Thanks God!! :)

letting go...

Saturday, a friend & I were chatting over coffee. I had been sharing how angry I was over a situation that had arisen in class last week. I was angry about an assignment we had to do and in essence I felt like I was having to defend my faith and I felt like the instructor was making GOD look bad. My sister felt my anger stemmed from when I was a child and an attempt to witness to a couple of friends went bad. All this anger & defensiveness rose up in me as an adult that I wasn't able to express as a child. My friend very gently told me that I should let go...

Tuesday I saw a counselor and talked about this whole situation and she explained to me about how our minds imagine situations which may or may not happen and it's as if we are prepared to react before those situations arise....

So basically... I was holding onto a lie... a lie that I needed to defend GOD who doesn't need defending... a lie that I would be attacked again like I was when I was little... a lie that I would be backed into a corner, unable to get out. None of those things happened but my mind and body were prepared for the attack... to the point where I physically ached for a couple of days afterwards.

This scripture has been going through my head since then:

"The poor, deluded fool feeds on ashes. He trusts something that can't help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask, "Is this idol that I'm holding in my hand a lie?" (Isaiah 44:20)

Today as I was waiting for class to begin I read this from a devotional:

I have a Great Work to Do

(Overcoming being offended)

"Sanballat & Geshen sent to me, saying, 'Come, let us meet together... in the plain of Ono.' But they thought to do me harm. So I sent messengers to them; saying, 'I am doing a great work so that I should not come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?'" (Neh. 6:2-3)

"Our adversary is constantly inviting us to meet with him in the valleys of "Ono". One of the things he want to talk with us about is how we are justified in being offended by the actions of others. Being offended meant that we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. All of us will experience things like these. It is important, however, to realize that the mistreatment itself does not cause the offense; but we choose to be offended when we place more value on protecting ourselves than for the call we have and the assignment we have been given."

"...being easily offended causes a "going down" from the high place of God."

"Do you sense God has given you a great assignment to devote yourself to? If you don't, you will be tempted to go to the valley of Ono to dwell on offense rather than on God's vision for your life."

Choosing to be offended... means choosing to hold onto the lie. It's protecting myself against what "might" happen (which is a lie) rather than focusing on the call God has placed on my life (the Truth).

I read a little more of this story in Nehemiah and after several attempts of trying to get Nehemiah to come down to them ... to the point of threatening him even... he replied with, "There is no truth in any part of your story. You are making up the whole thing."

I don't want to hold onto the offenses of the past any longer. I don't want to listen to the lies the enemy whispers in my ears in the valley of Ono any longer. There is no truth in what the enemy says to me! I want to instead focus on the Truth of God's Word and listen to the Words He whispers to me... don't be afraid... I'm right here with you. I will protect you. There's no need to be offended because I will deal with them in My time. Keep your eyes focused on me and do the work I have called you to.

So here I am... letting go of the anger... the fear... the offenses of the past and I turn my eyes toward You Lord and the "Great Work" You have set before me.

great reminder...

wow... this just made my day!

First... "Even in our weaknesses, the Father delights in giving grace (divine enablement), so we can experience the abundant life."

Then:

I don't have to be perfect

(overcoming chronic unworthiness)

"The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember that...

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah & Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

Peter denied Christ (3 times!)

The disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

The Samaritan woman was divorced (more than once)

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer...

AND... Lazarus was dead!

A poor background [or bad choices] does not disqualify us from a great future or to be used of God powerfully. Everything can change today. Obviously we want to move out of dysfunctional behavior, but praise God, we rejoice in knowing there is hope for all!"

~ taken from Victorious Mindsets by Steve Backlund

Praise God there is Hope for me yet!! I'm so thankful for His love and grace and the fact that His mercies are NEW EVERY morning!!

one of "those" days....

This morning I woke up with a killer headache and was so sore and stiff. Not a good way to start the day. I had class at 9:00 and I think that was part of the problem... I went to bed a little cranky about the assignment that was due today. Basically I was feeling like I was going to have to defend my beliefs and faith in God. First, I'm not a fan of debating how I feel with someone and second... it would be with other people around. I think inside my spirit was stressed and that was the reason behind waking up the way I did. Well... it set me in kind of a cranky mood from the beginning... not a good way to start the day... unfortunately the headache and soreness stuck with me throughout the day.

When I went into work the headache was still lingering and one of the managers could tell something was up by the look on my face. She told me I could leave early so I was thankful when the time came that I could leave.

Now here's the deal... when I was on my way home I had the urge to get some ice cream. It seems to be my current "feel better" treat. I've been asking God to help me with my food issues... to show me when I'm about to cave in "I'm made for more" ... and to make me aware of my triggers. As I was on my way up the hill to McD's to get some ice cream I heard His whisper say, "You were made for more." Just like Lysa had talked about in MTC (Made to Crave). And as I was turning the corner I responded in my heart, "... but I really just want some ice cream and some down time." After I went through the drive-thru I sat in the parking lot and began to eat my ice cream. I pulled out a little devotional book I have in my purse and... it's just like God to do this... my book-marked spot opened to this:

There is a Way

(Overcoming hopelessness and mediocrity)

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape...." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I was convicted as I read these words.

The devotional went on to talk about how "God has a way to get you from disaster into the blessing of His will.... there is also a way to get out of the temptation to stay mediocre or average in life or ministry."

I realized as I was reading this that I had disregarded the whisper of the Holy Spirit... I had disregarded the way of escape He had provided for me... I had chosen instead to stay in mediocrity... I had blatantly chosen to what I desired over choosing to walk in victory.

As I sat and pondered on these words and on my actions... I realized I had pacified my pent up anger and frustrations of the day with ice cream rather than seeking Him first. I had chosen to get the ice cream first. Maybe if I would have listened to His voice and seen the way of escape ahead of time... if I would have chosen to read the devotional BEFORE getting the ice cream... I could have stepped beyond mediocre and average into the blessing of victory.

I repented... and was truly sorry for not listening to His voice. He paralleled it with when I tell my thoughts to one of my kids and they choose to do what they want instead... I feel disappointed. I knew that I had disappointed my Father... but then... I felt His love and grace. Just like I still love my kids even when they don't listen... I knew in that moment He still loves me.

Once again.... Lord, please forgive me for giving into my flesh and choosing the mediocre way instead of the better way. Please forgive me for not taking Your way of escape. Thank You for loving me and for Your gentle discipline. May I remember this the next time I hear You whisper... "you are made for more" and may I willingly choose Your way of escape instead of my own selfish way.

EMPOWERED...

Just a little something He has planted in my heart today...

Ephesians 3:16: I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His [Holy] Spirit.

• I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to make wise choices.
• I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to walk through the hard places in life.
• I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to do what He has called me to do.
• I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to break free of all that has held me back!

From His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower me with inner strength through His Holy Spirit!

I AM empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit!

let go...

My paraphrase of a great quote I heard this morning:

Let go of the anxiety and stress of trying to figure things out... choose instead to focus on what is in front of you right now... give it to God and see how He will work things out.

So many times I get worked up... anxious and stressed out... trying to figure things out and answer all the "what if" and "what happens when" questions that run through my head. When I heard these words this morning... "let go" it just brought such freedom and peace to my heart.

This morning... for this moment in time... I let go of all anxiety & stress. I have NO fear or anxiety because I trust in the LORD with ALL of my heart! I will trust Him to work out every detail... every concern... every thing... because I know that He will work everything out for my good and His glory. He has a plan. All I have to do is let go and follow in His footsteps.

Thanks God for this great reminder!

trust...

I have been doing Beth Moore's study Breaking Free and God has been speaking to my heart.

I have trust issues. I have a hard time trusting people because of the things that happened to me as a child. I have a hard time trusting God because I have been afraid of what will happen if I do what He tells me. If I obey... it seems the enemy attacks. If I do what He tells me... it seems like something goes wrong and I find I have to trust Him more. How can I trust more when my trust level is already thin? And yet... to not obey... to not listen... that has even harsher consequences. So instead... I tend to do nothing. Cowering in my fear and questioning myself. I go 'round and 'round with the questions! Maybe I didn't hear right... maybe I did something wrong.... was I wrong? was I selfish? did I just THINK I heard God tell me that? why did I fail? why did it hurt so bad if I did what I thought God wanted me to do?

I don't want to continue being afraid!! I don't want to continue having trust issues! I WANT to trust Him more! I want to SEE His blessing and His hand of protection. I want to learn to trust Him more. "Oh for grace... to trust Him more."

The study this morning took me to Isaiah 51 and these verses spoke to me:

vs 7 & 8: "Listen to me, you who know right from wrong, you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people's scorn, nor fear their insults. For the moth will devour them as it devours clothing. The worm will eat at them as it eats wool. But my righteousness will last forever. My salvation will continue from generation to generation.

vs 12-16: I, yes I, am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the LORD, your Creator, the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies? Where is their fury and anger now? It is gone!! Soon all you captives will be released!! Imprisonment, starvation, and death will NOT be your fate! For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the LORD of Heaven's Armies. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand. I stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. I am the one who says to [you, Bonnelle] 'You are my [daughter]'!!

I believe Christ is setting me FREE from my captivity!! I believe He is the LORD of Heaven's Armies! I believe He stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth! I believe I have hid His word in my heart! I believe!! I will no longer remain in constant fear and dread of human oppressors! I will no longer continue to fear the anger of the enemy! I believe the LORD has put His words in my mouth and I am hidden safely in His hand! I am His daughter and He WILL protect me!

I will TRUST in the LORD my God, the Creator of the Universe & the LORD of Heaven's Armies!

so strange...

This place God has me in... I can't really explain it.

It's just a place of waiting... listening... a place where silent tears fall...

A place of just deepening my faith and trust in Him and the fact that... He is right here with me.

I struggle in this place because... I want answers... I long for the direction I seek... I long to KNOW what the next step is.

And yet... He whispers to me... wait.

Everywhere I turn there are little messages... don't give up... keep pressing forward... don't look back.

And yet I question...

Is it selfish of me to take my family into debt in order to pursue a dream... this call I feel that God has for me to fulfill?

I long... to be His hands and feet.

I long... to speak life into the hurting and broken.

I long... to comfort those in need of comforting.

I long... to share with others what God has done for me.

But where? How? With whom?

Lord, shine a light on the path YOU want me to take. Show me the right direction. Show me how to get there from here.

Forgive me for my doubts & fears. I know You're working on them. Please, help my unbelief.

"Twelve audacious faith confessions" from Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still:

1. I AM fully forgiven and FREE from ALL shame and condemnation.

2. I act in audacious faith to change the world in my generation.

3. I have NO fear or anxiety; I trust in the LORD with ALL my heart.

4. I AM able to fulfill the calling GOD has placed on my life.

5. I AM fully resourced to do everything GOD has called me to do.

6. I have NO insecurity, because I see myself the way GOD sees me.

7. I AM a faithful spouse and a godly mother - our family is blessed.

8. I AM completely whole - physically, mentally and emotionally.

9. I AM increasing in influence and favor for the kingdom of GOD.

10. I AM enabled to walk in the sacrificial love of Christ.

11. I have the wisdom of the LORD concerning EVERY decision I make.

12. I AM protected from all harm and evil in Jesus' Name!

He IS faithful and I WILL trust in the LORD! I will trust and not be afraid.

I will wait, yes, my soul will wait... patiently on the LORD.

the road I'm on...

Mother's Day weekend... it always is a challenging one for our family. May 5th is the anniversary date of when our youngest son Gerad went Home to be with Jesus... thirteen years ago... Sometimes it's hard to believe it's been that many years. The funeral was the day before Mother's Day of that year so as Josiah rightly stated last week... the 5th through the 9th are always hard days. We remember... we don't ever seem to say much those days but we remember.

This year... I'm having to process the detour in the road that God has me on. I didn't pass one of the classes for my program so that means I have to sit out until I can retake it in January. My fellow class-mates are moving on ahead of me. I'm not sure what God wants me to do. Do I take a leave of absence from school to pursue a certificate from another school? Do I take the bachelor's classes from my current college and graduate a year later than I anticipated with 2 degrees instead of one? Or... do I abandon this dream altogether and just go back to work full-time? I don't feel like I'm supposed to give up my dream of working in Physical Therapy but at the same time... there are bills to be paid.

Be still....

God keeps telling me to Be still. To just rest. To let Him heal the brokenness in my heart. To take the time to just sit at His feet and... rest. I'm finding this is new territory for me. I think that's the point. To just wait on Him. To work through this Bible study He has me in at the moment - Breaking Free by Beth Moore. To allow Him access to the dead, closed off areas of my heart... the wounded places. To allow Him to fix the places that I have worked so hard at trying to fix on my own. To just rest... in His arms.

This year as I was moving into the 5th of May I felt God nudging me to read a couple of books that up to this point I had thought would be too hard to read. First, I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo and then... on our trip down to Arkansas for my daughter's graduation from college I read Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. Both books touched my heart in different ways. For me, Heaven is for Real was... in some ways... like having Gerad tell me what Heaven is like. It was comforting to be reminded of the fact that Gerad is safe in His arms. And Mary Beth's book... was a comforting reminder that I need to choose to SEE... that God has a plan and purpose for everything He brings into our lives... even the hard things that break our hearts and make us cry.

God is so good and for now... I will REST.

school...

Several friends have strongly urged me to write again. I know it helps me process but sometimes I feel I get too wordy here. But because I am attempting to obey the Lord... please bear with me as I write out my processing thoughts. :)

So many things have happened with school in the last week. I could focus this post on the "negative" but tonight since it's my first night to write about it... I want to focus on the "positive"... on the 15 gifts called my fellow classmates.

There are 8 males and 7 females that entered my life last August and to many of them I have become "mom". I love how we have adopted each other. One of the male students is like a brother to me. Another one has this great voice and he has charm that makes me smile every time. Another is a cute little Asian guy that probably if I would have been able to adopt... would have been one I would have taken in. The girls... are like my daughters. I worry when they don't show up for class and I know it's because they were foolish the night before. They love my hugs when their hearts are hurting. And sometimes... I get to step inside their world and just... listen. This mix of people have been my brothers, my kids, and my friends for the last 8 months... and I love them dearly.

One time when I was having coffee with a friend she shined a light bulb on something that came back to me tonight as I was thinking about all of them. "What a neat thing that God would bring you so many 'kids'... sons to fill the gap of the one you lost and daughters to give you hugs when you're missing your own." They have been a gift given to me from the Lord and for that... I am truly thankful.

They are moving on ahead of me and I am missing them already. It's so hard watching your kids grow up and move on in life and now I feel like my adopted kids are moving on too. While part of me is sad and shedding tears... I know that just as it is for my real children, God has great plans for my adopted kids as well and hopefully... someday... we will see each other once again.

morning thoughts....

In my home... everything is not put away, the floor needs to be scrubbed and daily... there are dishes to be done. Since I'm gone with school so much, things tend to slide at home but I know in 5 weeks I will begin to clean like I haven't cleaned in a long while.

In the meantime... I find that cleaning up the kitchen gives me a sense of accomplishment. Or baking a batch of cookies for someone... or a batch of bread for my guys. These are things I do well. These are things where... I know my efforts are seen and appreciated.

However, as I look around... I see there is still so much that I need to do... but it has to wait until the semester is over.

At school... I study... hard. I spend hours studying for a test... that I barely pass and I walk away feeling like I don't know much at all. There are times I walk out of a test and feel like... is it really worth it?

As I was doing dishes this morning (putting off heading to school)... I realized I was hiding in the safety of my home. I was staying where things are safe and comfortable. I was staying where I know no matter what I get done... it's appreciated. However, out there... in the real world... at school... things are hard and at times I don't want to go and at times... I feel defeated.

What God showed me this morning was in the safety of my home... I affect my family even in small ways and that's important. At school... out in the real world... I am affecting others... even in small ways and that's important too. In home and in life.. I may not always get it right and I might not be the perfect student or home maker but... in the little things... I am touching people's lives and THAT's what God has called me to.

the growing up...

This process of watching your children grow up is such a mixture of joy and tears. You go through the birthing process to bring forth this innocent little life. Gradually you teach them all the little things... like sitting up and eating on their own... taking their first steps and then comes the day you put them on the bus for the first time. Through each passing year until finally comes... the day of graduation, when they embark on the beginning of grown-up life. As they begin to make more and more decisions on their own... there is a tearing away that takes place... Suddenly they're out of your hands and standing on their own.

Lately I have been missing my mom. I wish I would have known that she cried on the way home from dropping me off at college. I wish I could tell her that I appreciate all the little things she did for me. I wish I could tell her one more time that I love her. And I find myself wishing... I would have asked a few more questions and taken the time to listen.

As my children are growing up and leaving the nest... I know it's time to let go and let them make their own lives but at the same time... I wish I could have back the days of when they were little and needed me to kiss away the hurts or a trip to McD's for an ice cream cone and talk-time.

All of life is a series of various challenges... it's what builds character right? Hopefully when I come to the end of this life... my character will be shining like gold!

Life...

I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time... partly because of school and being really busy but also... partly because I believed the lie that told me my words don't really matter. I tend to use this place... this "private" little place to bear my heart... to share things I don't normally talk about... to blab about things that are going on in my heart and my head. However, I think to a certain extent... not writing has caused me to lock up my heart.

I woke up feeling every bit the failure this morning. I had started the month of February determined to do a cleanse for my body in the midst of doing two different Bible studies, one on the fruit of the Spirit and one from the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. I wanted to find the reasons behind why I eat the way I do, the feelings that drive me to eat as well as to get healthy and lose weight. I did really well for the first couple of weeks and felt it was really easy to stick to but then... I started to slide back into my old habits. To me, it is a parallel to school. I started the semester ready to be focused and in the beginning it seemed really easy and I was on track with studying and then... I started to slide. Why can't things in life just be easy? A dear friend told me the other night that this process wasn't going to be easy and I realized... it wouldn't be a challenge if it was easy... it wouldn't bring growth if it was easy... and it wouldn't bear fruit in my life if it was easy.

As I was feeling like a failure this morning, a failure for sliding off the healthy wagon... a failure for struggling on my tests... a failure for not trusting God in EVERY area of my life and the lives of my family... I heard God speak to my heart, "Be strong and courageous and do the work."

While I was having my quiet time in this little corner of Panera, He brought me back to those words so I have been sitting quietly... listening. I hear two things... the voice of my Heavenly Father telling me (in a firm, Fatherly voice) not to whine and complain about how hard it may seem... to stick with it... to do the work that is required. But I also hear the gentle whisper of His voice telling me to be strong and courageous... to not be afraid because He is right here with me.

1 Chronicles 28:20

David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.

Oh for the grace... to trust You more.

I'm not really sure why I wrote all of this... maybe it was just necessary to begin again. I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog any more and if not... that's okay. I'm just thankful for a place where I can "voice" the thoughts that roll around on the inside of my head.

Thanks for "listening".