Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Movement...

God has been changing me one little piece at a time. I marvel at how I look back even over the course of the last week or so and I know... in my heart... He's been moving.

One way has been through the classes I'm taking. The research papers are challenging to say the least! Why? I find that in having to come up with a topice - especially for English class - we have to pick topics we're interested in. Each time we've had to pick a new topic, I've struggled! Each time I find myself asking, "What am I interested in? What am I interested in enough to do research on and write about?" I think for SO long... I have thought what others have thought and haven't really explored what I thought. For example, our final project in English is to write an 8-10 page paper and after I got done being overwhelmed by the size I labored over the possible topic. The first thing that came to my mind was that I could write on this organization that Josiah is interested in because it would help me learn more about it... but then... I realized... it's a topic that HE's interested in... what am I interested in? I'm still searching that out but I thought it was interesting how God was using this class to expand my thinking and causing me to think 'outside the box' of everyone else's thoughts and interests.

The other thing I have noticed God working on is... things I have taken ownership of over the years. For example, the bills... I have always done the bills in our house. I took them on when we first got married because I had lived on my own and was used to it. Over the years, it just stuck. I liked writing out the checks and checking each one of the list. There were times though where this whole process was very stressful for me but because I had taken ownership of them, I felt like it was my responsibility... to make sure they were paid each month and paid on time. For a very brief period I tried to let go and let Doug handle all of that but then Josiah got sick. During that time I was home taking care of Josiah, it was easy for me to pick them back up again. 

About a month or so ago God began speaking to me about giving the bills up again except this time I had to really let go. This was a struggle for me and God and I had many conversations about it. The Sunday He spoke to me in the service that He would take care of me... was the final conversation I had with Him on it. I knew... I had to give this thing up because God was telling me to... He clearly told me that this was something that was not my responsibility and that I needed to hand this over to Him and to Doug. I was hindering Doug in being the head of our home... my pride in feeling that I could do it better... was wrong. I had taken ownership and I had to let go. The Lord telling me over and over again that He would take care of me was what I needed to hear. I could let go knowing that no matter what, God would take care of me. At one point He said, "It's to bring you freedom"... and in that moment, I let go. What's amazing is... I don't have to worry about making the ends meet any more! It HAS brought me freedom! It's been wonderful when a thought has come up about a bill or if we have enough to pay everything... I can say, that's not my responsibility any more. I don't have to be concerned about it because God is taking care of it... because Doug is taking care of it.

Even with working over-time.... I was going to work last Saturday morning before class. There was the over-time pay plus a $50 gift card as incentive. I was thinking about how nice the extra on my paycheck would be and what I could do with the gift card... but I heard God say, "That's not your responsibility". I argued and said, "but"... and agreed to work. Well, a funny thing happened... my alarm didn't go off Saturday morning! I'm sure I set it the night before but at some point, I must have shut it off without realizing it... or maybe God did! Needless to say I slept late and by the time I woke up it wasn't worth trying to get down to work because I wasn't going to put in enough hours to get the gift card. So instead, I made pancakes (which I haven't made since vacation!). It was a wonderful morning. 

Sorry for my ramblings but I just wanted to say I'm thankful that God is changing me one little piece at a time. I'm thankful that He is setting me free from things I've held onto for a lot of years. I'm thankful that He's patient with me and that He knows... sometimes it takes me awhile to come around to what He's saying. I'm thankful that in spite of my compulsiveness... He loves me and longs to set me free! I know there's many more areas to come but He knows the right time-table to do it in.

What are some things that God is changing in you? 

4 comments:

Sheryl said...

Wow, when you write about not knowing what you're interested in...I can so relate. Or when people ask what my goals are - I have none!! Don't really care for that about myself. Or maybe I am just too scared to go after the things I want. hmmm, now I'll have to think about that.

I'm so glad God is changing me. So glad He is still interested in me. He's changing my whole life at once right now. But I am so grateful He can be trusted and knows what He's doing.

Thanks for your words.
Sheryl

Cheri said...

I think it's great you're pondering what truly interests you. A lady I know says it this way: "Locate your own heart." I like that.

I really want God to keep changing me, but I must admit I sometimes don't give in right away!

I appreciate the openness and vulnerability in your writing!

Kate said...

Hmmm. The bill paying thing, that's been on my mind lately, too. Our situation is much like yours, and now I so want to give over the bills. They're like a weight around my neck. :(

I also know what you mean about not knowing what interests me. As spouses and parents, we spend so much of our lives considering others that it's really easy to lose ourselves.

Anyway, I'm glad you can feel the changes. And good luck coming up with those topics! The starting is always the worst part for me. I'll put it off forever, until I absolutely HAVE to do it...only under all that much pressure do I manage to find the inspiration. Or, put differently, only when the deadline is here do I make myself buckle down and figure things out.

Kate said...

Thanks for the sweet comment! You always have something nice to say. I'm glad to have you as a blog friend. :)