Movement...

God has been changing me one little piece at a time. I marvel at how I look back even over the course of the last week or so and I know... in my heart... He's been moving.

One way has been through the classes I'm taking. The research papers are challenging to say the least! Why? I find that in having to come up with a topice - especially for English class - we have to pick topics we're interested in. Each time we've had to pick a new topic, I've struggled! Each time I find myself asking, "What am I interested in? What am I interested in enough to do research on and write about?" I think for SO long... I have thought what others have thought and haven't really explored what I thought. For example, our final project in English is to write an 8-10 page paper and after I got done being overwhelmed by the size I labored over the possible topic. The first thing that came to my mind was that I could write on this organization that Josiah is interested in because it would help me learn more about it... but then... I realized... it's a topic that HE's interested in... what am I interested in? I'm still searching that out but I thought it was interesting how God was using this class to expand my thinking and causing me to think 'outside the box' of everyone else's thoughts and interests.

The other thing I have noticed God working on is... things I have taken ownership of over the years. For example, the bills... I have always done the bills in our house. I took them on when we first got married because I had lived on my own and was used to it. Over the years, it just stuck. I liked writing out the checks and checking each one of the list. There were times though where this whole process was very stressful for me but because I had taken ownership of them, I felt like it was my responsibility... to make sure they were paid each month and paid on time. For a very brief period I tried to let go and let Doug handle all of that but then Josiah got sick. During that time I was home taking care of Josiah, it was easy for me to pick them back up again. 

About a month or so ago God began speaking to me about giving the bills up again except this time I had to really let go. This was a struggle for me and God and I had many conversations about it. The Sunday He spoke to me in the service that He would take care of me... was the final conversation I had with Him on it. I knew... I had to give this thing up because God was telling me to... He clearly told me that this was something that was not my responsibility and that I needed to hand this over to Him and to Doug. I was hindering Doug in being the head of our home... my pride in feeling that I could do it better... was wrong. I had taken ownership and I had to let go. The Lord telling me over and over again that He would take care of me was what I needed to hear. I could let go knowing that no matter what, God would take care of me. At one point He said, "It's to bring you freedom"... and in that moment, I let go. What's amazing is... I don't have to worry about making the ends meet any more! It HAS brought me freedom! It's been wonderful when a thought has come up about a bill or if we have enough to pay everything... I can say, that's not my responsibility any more. I don't have to be concerned about it because God is taking care of it... because Doug is taking care of it.

Even with working over-time.... I was going to work last Saturday morning before class. There was the over-time pay plus a $50 gift card as incentive. I was thinking about how nice the extra on my paycheck would be and what I could do with the gift card... but I heard God say, "That's not your responsibility". I argued and said, "but"... and agreed to work. Well, a funny thing happened... my alarm didn't go off Saturday morning! I'm sure I set it the night before but at some point, I must have shut it off without realizing it... or maybe God did! Needless to say I slept late and by the time I woke up it wasn't worth trying to get down to work because I wasn't going to put in enough hours to get the gift card. So instead, I made pancakes (which I haven't made since vacation!). It was a wonderful morning. 

Sorry for my ramblings but I just wanted to say I'm thankful that God is changing me one little piece at a time. I'm thankful that He is setting me free from things I've held onto for a lot of years. I'm thankful that He's patient with me and that He knows... sometimes it takes me awhile to come around to what He's saying. I'm thankful that in spite of my compulsiveness... He loves me and longs to set me free! I know there's many more areas to come but He knows the right time-table to do it in.

What are some things that God is changing in you? 

My thoughts today...

This verse always stops me...

Romans 12:2

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world,

 but let God transform you into a new person 

by changing the way you think. 

Then you will learn to know God's will for you, 

which is good and pleasing and perfect.

I don't know about you but sometimes it's easy to see the way things are done in the world and before you know it, they become a habit or a part of your life. For example, the latest fashion style or attitudes towards others or the things we are told are fun... we conform and don't realize we've conformed. 

The Lord seems to use this verse to grab me and pull me back... and I wonder, what things have I allowed myself to copy? What behaviors and customs have I picked up and adopted as my own? "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think". Such powerful words... and then it goes on to tell us that by God changing the way we think... we come to know what His will is for us. His will is good and pleasing and perfect but we don't see that when we follow the customs and behaviors of the world. In fact, we might tend to see God's way of thinking as restrictive if we listen to what the world says....

Lord, transform me into a new person by changing the way I think. Draw me up short when I'm falling into the behaviors and customs of this world. Make me aware of those things that pull me away from you and the path which is good and pleasing and perfect. 

Bonnelle

Before I lay me down to sleep...

I really need to go to bed but just wanted to post a little something first... and addition, if you will, to the word I received on Sunday...

You know how God woke Samuel up in the middle of the night to speak to him? It probably wasn't a real 'convenient' time in Samuel's mind. I'm sure to some... to be awakened in the night by the Lord, we would say, "God, can't we discuss this in the morning?!"  or maybe some would wake up automatically and be alert and ready to listen. I'm not sure how I would be if that happened to me but I was willing, if that's when the Lord wanted to speak to me about things. Today, however, it wasn't in the middle of the night... no, it was in the middle of the day when the Lord began to speak to me. The middle of a rather frustrating day... the Lord started showing me things that I have been carrying and why. As I started to cry I was asked a question by a co-worker so my focus had to turn from the moment I was in with God to the issue she was dealing with instead. I quickly answered her question and then headed off to the restroom. To be honest, it was one of those times where I was like, "Now Lord? You chose to show me this stuff now?" As I struggled to regain my composure before heading back to my desk I realized once again that the Lord doesn't always go according to our time schedules or when we would like Him to speak to us. He chooses the moment and He chooses the topic. 

I have only touched the surface of the issue that He began to reveal to my heart but I know in time... as I'm able to write more on it, I know He will reveal so much to me. I ask for your prayers... pray that my ears would be open to hear His voice when HE chooses to speak. Pray that in those moments I tune in to hear all that He has to say. Pray that He creates the opportunity to not only start but to complete the work in me that He is trying to do... and pray that my spirit remains willing. 

Thank you and good night... 

Bonnelle

His Heart spoken to me...

Today has truly been a day of rest. I've been tired all week and then Friday night I was up really late talking with Josiah... had a really busy day yesterday and knew at some point I was about to crash... Today was the day. You know it's part of God's design that we have a day of rest and I read it again this morning when I was reading my Bible. There are many passages in the Old Testament where it talks about the Sabbath day, keeping it holy, a day to rest and just focus on God... There are blessings to taking a Sabbath and there are consequences to not. It was the same for their fields. He required every seventh year they give their fields a rest. When they did, they were blessed and when they didn't, there were consequences. Today... it's so easy to get caught up in the 'doing' of everyday life that we forget about taking time to just rest and focus on Him... at least that's the case for me. However, even as I read this particular passage this morning, and as the Lord nudged my heart, I told him about the paper I have to finish tonight because I have dinner plans tomorrow night and this is another busy week Lord.... and I was stopped in my list and I just felt Him say, "Remember the Sabbath"... 

So this morning, I went to Church and during our worship service there was a time to go forward for prayer. We as a body have been fasting this week and it was just a way to end the fast if you wanted additional prayer for what you had been praying for this week. I went forward and you know... it's always so cool when a stranger prays for you and speaks things to you that only God knows about. It somehow makes the prayer... more  significant and... powerful. This woman that I have never met before just prayed this beautiful prayer that really spoke to my heart. At one point she touched this muscle in my shoulder that is always tense from stress and she just lightly rubbed it and spoke God's heart to me... It was powerful because He was telling me to write about the things I've been carrying... and I just cried... and once again, felt His great love for me. There was so much she/God spoke to me that was just so personal... so God. 

Anyway... so then after lunch I took a nap. Mind you, I was only planning a short nap... I slept for 4 hours!! Like I said, I crashed! =) Afterwards, I still feel tired but I also feel like I did exactly what God wanted for me to do today... REST. 

I guess I share all this because... the Lord spoke to my heart today and I wanted to share a little bit with you about what He told me. I get busy... I'm sure we all do. Today though, He reminded me to rest... and He reminded me that He has called me to write. I see it as a God-given thing that He has placed on the inside of me. I don't know if it will ever reach anyone else but for me... it's therapy and through writing... He speaks to my heart. 

If you haven't rested today... there's still time. Take the time to just rest and focus on Him. Listen to His heart for you... He will speak if you take the time to listen.

Bonnelle 

Another week....

Another week has gone by and I realized I haven't posted anything for a while. My apologies to those who faithfully check in from time to time. I guess you could say part of my absence was due to the homework I have but another part was due to concerns that came about as a result of things I've written... so I took a break to re-evaluate. I've come to a point though, where I see writing is 'therapy' for me. It helps me get out what I'm thinking, feeling, or even hearing God talk to me about. Every time I post on this little site... God always brings revelation to me on something I've been pondering on. It's kind of cool actually. This "tool" that He brought into my life as a result of a life-changing event... has opened up my heart and 'voice'. 

For so long I have felt that God had things to say through my words... I still believe it's true. "What would you have me share tonight Lord?" I ask... Tell them, "My love for them is very deep... even deeper than the deepest ocean." Sometimes it's hard for me to grasp such love and yet... there are so many times I can feel His love for me and the nearness of HIM. He is so great, so awesome, so far beyond what my little words can describe and yet... He loves ME and I know He loves you too. Isn't that cool?! The God of the universe, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, loves us. Sometimes, I'm amazed at the love and compassion I feel towards people because it must be only a fraction of the love He feels for us. Amazing!

Psalm 89:1-2

I will sing of the Lord's great love forever;

with my mouth will I make Your faithfulness known through all generations.

I will declare that Your love stands firm forever,

that you established Your faithfulness in Heaven itself.

He is faithful and His love endures forever... May you feel His love and faithfulness towards you today and tomorrow and forever.

Bonnelle