I have a long story but I'll try to give you bits here... It started 11 years ago when I came to a conference and God spoke into my heart Jeremiah 29:11-14 too. I knew He had plans and purposes for my life and I knew it involved leaving where we were and moving to a different state. 6 weeks later my son died. God kept reminding me over and over of those verses and that He had a plan. My marriage almost failed but we moved a year later...
A year ago God planted in my heart to leave my job of nine years and go back to school. (At least I'm still praying that it was God. He's been opening doors so I'm still trusting Him.) This week I failed my 3rd Algebra test so I dropped the class. I was afraid of failing and having it pull down my grades and ruin my chances of getting into the next school. Today... I wonder if I did the right thing or if I should have plugged through it anyway.
My doubts are fueled by fear. As I asked the Lord this morning to speak to my heart through His word to reveal what's going on... my reading this morning was about Moses. God called him... he was afraid and argued with God. Moses' doubts were fueled by fear.
As I'm looking at my heart and issues I have with intimacy and communication I'm seeing... doubt and fear as being behind everything. I'm so afraid of not saying the right words that I don't say anything at all. I doubt my words will matter. I'm so afraid of being hurt or abandoned that I don't go deep in relationships. I doubt people will love me and stick with me.
As you may know if you've been reading the last few posts... I have been struggling with some things. Words have been spoken to me that have really caused me to think, ponder and this morning... go to God for answers. As I sat asking Him what I was supposed to do I opened my Bible first to Psalm 1 and I felt like the answers I need are in God's Word. I then went to my One Year Bible to read the portion for today and Moses appeared before my eyes. I saw God calling him... telling him it was time... time to move forward by going back to Egypt. Moses doubted himself... doubted God being with him... doubted the direction he was receiving. Moses was afraid of people not believing him... not listening to him... he was afraid of things not working out. Today, the story of Moses looked like me.
As I went to Renee's blog and read about doubt and fear I see God showing me what the issues are. I haven't found the point where they began but I do know that God wants to heal the issues of my heart.
Lord, forgive me for doubting and being afraid. Please open up the places I have closed off in my heart. Open my ears to hear your voice and help me to follow your lead.