Wednesday, January 27, 2010


When I write I tend to ramble... Here's a comment I left on my friend Renee's blog this morning:

I have a long story but I'll try to give you bits here... It started 11 years ago when I came to a conference and God spoke into my heart Jeremiah 29:11-14 too. I knew He had plans and purposes for my life and I knew it involved leaving where we were and moving to a different state. 6 weeks later my son died. God kept reminding me over and over of those verses and that He had a plan. My marriage almost failed but we moved a year later...
A year ago God planted in my heart to leave my job of nine years and go back to school. (At least I'm still praying that it was God. He's been opening doors so I'm still trusting Him.) This week I failed my 3rd Algebra test so I dropped the class. I was afraid of failing and having it pull down my grades and ruin my chances of getting into the next school. Today... I wonder if I did the right thing or if I should have plugged through it anyway.
My doubts are fueled by fear. As I asked the Lord this morning to speak to my heart through His word to reveal what's going on... my reading this morning was about Moses. God called him... he was afraid and argued with God. Moses' doubts were fueled by fear.
As I'm looking at my heart and issues I have with intimacy and communication I'm seeing... doubt and fear as being behind everything. I'm so afraid of not saying the right words that I don't say anything at all. I doubt my words will matter. I'm so afraid of being hurt or abandoned that I don't go deep in relationships. I doubt people will love me and stick with me.

As you may know if you've been reading the last few posts... I have been struggling with some things. Words have been spoken to me that have really caused me to think, ponder and this morning... go to God for answers. As I sat asking Him what I was supposed to do I opened my Bible first to Psalm 1 and I felt like the answers I need are in God's Word. I then went to my One Year Bible to read the portion for today and Moses appeared before my eyes. I saw God calling him... telling him it was time... time to move forward by going back to Egypt. Moses doubted himself... doubted God being with him... doubted the direction he was receiving. Moses was afraid of people not believing him... not listening to him... he was afraid of things not working out. Today, the story of Moses looked like me.

As I went to Renee's blog and read about doubt and fear I see God showing me what the issues are. I haven't found the point where they began but I do know that God wants to heal the issues of my heart.

Lord, forgive me for doubting and being afraid. Please open up the places I have closed off in my heart. Open my ears to hear your voice and help me to follow your lead.


Anonymous said...

What did you mean when you wrote... "I'm so afraid of not saying the right words that I don't say anything at all. I doubt my words will matter. I'm so afraid of being hurt or abandoned that I don't go deep in relationships"...What did you mean,friendships, spouse, etc? I feel this way about my relationship with my spouse at times. Many years ago I dated someone that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with but I was wrong and it wasn't in God's plan. I know now that I rushed into a new relationship and feel that I have paid the price because of it. I don't think that I truly knew the man I married. He is a good man but doesn't communicate and doesn't show affection. I have often wanted to ask the man that broke my heart all those years ago "why" but not sure if it will help. I feel that I never had closure in that relationship so I am struggling in my marriage now. I don't blame this man for my marriage issues I just wonder at times like I said "why".

Bonnelle Pagel said...

At the moment I wrote this, I was speaking in terms of relationships in general. The enemy would like to use doubt and fear to keep me from speaking to anyone... including people I don't know. However, I know that God has placed things in my heart that He longs to speak to others. He has shown me that I have to daily trust HIM to guide and direct my steps and my words.

I pray that peace will come to the hurting places in your heart. I pray that God will show you in His word how very much He loves and cares for you. We can't go and undo the things of the past but we can trust Him for our future. What an awesome thing to know that no matter what may have happened in our pasts... He will always cause them to work together for good in our lives.