school...

Several friends have strongly urged me to write again. I know it helps me process but sometimes I feel I get too wordy here. But because I am attempting to obey the Lord... please bear with me as I write out my processing thoughts. :)

So many things have happened with school in the last week. I could focus this post on the "negative" but tonight since it's my first night to write about it... I want to focus on the "positive"... on the 15 gifts called my fellow classmates.

There are 8 males and 7 females that entered my life last August and to many of them I have become "mom". I love how we have adopted each other. One of the male students is like a brother to me. Another one has this great voice and he has charm that makes me smile every time. Another is a cute little Asian guy that probably if I would have been able to adopt... would have been one I would have taken in. The girls... are like my daughters. I worry when they don't show up for class and I know it's because they were foolish the night before. They love my hugs when their hearts are hurting. And sometimes... I get to step inside their world and just... listen. This mix of people have been my brothers, my kids, and my friends for the last 8 months... and I love them dearly.

One time when I was having coffee with a friend she shined a light bulb on something that came back to me tonight as I was thinking about all of them. "What a neat thing that God would bring you so many 'kids'... sons to fill the gap of the one you lost and daughters to give you hugs when you're missing your own." They have been a gift given to me from the Lord and for that... I am truly thankful.

They are moving on ahead of me and I am missing them already. It's so hard watching your kids grow up and move on in life and now I feel like my adopted kids are moving on too. While part of me is sad and shedding tears... I know that just as it is for my real children, God has great plans for my adopted kids as well and hopefully... someday... we will see each other once again.

morning thoughts....

In my home... everything is not put away, the floor needs to be scrubbed and daily... there are dishes to be done. Since I'm gone with school so much, things tend to slide at home but I know in 5 weeks I will begin to clean like I haven't cleaned in a long while.

In the meantime... I find that cleaning up the kitchen gives me a sense of accomplishment. Or baking a batch of cookies for someone... or a batch of bread for my guys. These are things I do well. These are things where... I know my efforts are seen and appreciated.

However, as I look around... I see there is still so much that I need to do... but it has to wait until the semester is over.

At school... I study... hard. I spend hours studying for a test... that I barely pass and I walk away feeling like I don't know much at all. There are times I walk out of a test and feel like... is it really worth it?

As I was doing dishes this morning (putting off heading to school)... I realized I was hiding in the safety of my home. I was staying where things are safe and comfortable. I was staying where I know no matter what I get done... it's appreciated. However, out there... in the real world... at school... things are hard and at times I don't want to go and at times... I feel defeated.

What God showed me this morning was in the safety of my home... I affect my family even in small ways and that's important. At school... out in the real world... I am affecting others... even in small ways and that's important too. In home and in life.. I may not always get it right and I might not be the perfect student or home maker but... in the little things... I am touching people's lives and THAT's what God has called me to.

the growing up...

This process of watching your children grow up is such a mixture of joy and tears. You go through the birthing process to bring forth this innocent little life. Gradually you teach them all the little things... like sitting up and eating on their own... taking their first steps and then comes the day you put them on the bus for the first time. Through each passing year until finally comes... the day of graduation, when they embark on the beginning of grown-up life. As they begin to make more and more decisions on their own... there is a tearing away that takes place... Suddenly they're out of your hands and standing on their own.

Lately I have been missing my mom. I wish I would have known that she cried on the way home from dropping me off at college. I wish I could tell her that I appreciate all the little things she did for me. I wish I could tell her one more time that I love her. And I find myself wishing... I would have asked a few more questions and taken the time to listen.

As my children are growing up and leaving the nest... I know it's time to let go and let them make their own lives but at the same time... I wish I could have back the days of when they were little and needed me to kiss away the hurts or a trip to McD's for an ice cream cone and talk-time.

All of life is a series of various challenges... it's what builds character right? Hopefully when I come to the end of this life... my character will be shining like gold!

Life...

I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time... partly because of school and being really busy but also... partly because I believed the lie that told me my words don't really matter. I tend to use this place... this "private" little place to bear my heart... to share things I don't normally talk about... to blab about things that are going on in my heart and my head. However, I think to a certain extent... not writing has caused me to lock up my heart.

I woke up feeling every bit the failure this morning. I had started the month of February determined to do a cleanse for my body in the midst of doing two different Bible studies, one on the fruit of the Spirit and one from the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. I wanted to find the reasons behind why I eat the way I do, the feelings that drive me to eat as well as to get healthy and lose weight. I did really well for the first couple of weeks and felt it was really easy to stick to but then... I started to slide back into my old habits. To me, it is a parallel to school. I started the semester ready to be focused and in the beginning it seemed really easy and I was on track with studying and then... I started to slide. Why can't things in life just be easy? A dear friend told me the other night that this process wasn't going to be easy and I realized... it wouldn't be a challenge if it was easy... it wouldn't bring growth if it was easy... and it wouldn't bear fruit in my life if it was easy.

As I was feeling like a failure this morning, a failure for sliding off the healthy wagon... a failure for struggling on my tests... a failure for not trusting God in EVERY area of my life and the lives of my family... I heard God speak to my heart, "Be strong and courageous and do the work."

While I was having my quiet time in this little corner of Panera, He brought me back to those words so I have been sitting quietly... listening. I hear two things... the voice of my Heavenly Father telling me (in a firm, Fatherly voice) not to whine and complain about how hard it may seem... to stick with it... to do the work that is required. But I also hear the gentle whisper of His voice telling me to be strong and courageous... to not be afraid because He is right here with me.

1 Chronicles 28:20

David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.

Oh for the grace... to trust You more.

I'm not really sure why I wrote all of this... maybe it was just necessary to begin again. I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog any more and if not... that's okay. I'm just thankful for a place where I can "voice" the thoughts that roll around on the inside of my head.

Thanks for "listening".

From a Mother's heart....

Sometimes I wonder...

What you would look like

if you were still here with us today?

What would you be interested in?

Would you have lots of friends?

or would your brother & sister still be your

best friends?

You would be a senior this year...

and driving.

Would you be looking at colleges?

or would you be wanting to stay close

to home for one more year?

Would you be as tall as your brother?

or somewhere in between?

Would you still like kitty's?

But then I wonder....

What's heaven really like?

Do you play all day?

or do you just sit at the feet of Jesus?

Do the angels really sing forever?

Is it as beautiful as we imagine?

Do you miss us as much as we miss you?

I still love you

and miss your little hand in mine.

Even though I know you would be big now

I miss the sound of your voice

and the kisses you used to give me.

I miss the flowers you would bring me.

but mostly... I just miss you.

Say hello to Jesus for me.

And I hope you know that...

I will always

love you.

What a concept...

So... I haven't blogged for a long time. School has kind of taken over my life and it seems all I do now is study, study, study! (Even more so than what I thought possible!) And yet... it doesn't seem like enough at times.

In the midst of all my studying, GOD has been working on my heart... chipping away at a life-time of insecurity issues that have dug deep grooves into my heart and mind. To touch very briefly on a much longer story... when I was a little girl I was deeply impacted by the hands and words of bullies and no one knew.... no one that is, except my Heavenly Father.

This past week while I was on fall "break" (I had to study for 3 mid-terms in the midst of my time "off) the Lord dug deep into my heart and ministered to the wounds of my little girl heart. In the end He told me that I had passed the test during that time... and during every hard time I have encountered since. I had one question... well, two questions at the end of that powerful time and that was... "Why didn't You stop it? Why did You allow it to happen in the first place?" At the time, He showed me that He did stop it. He caused my enemies to stumble and fall away. HE was the one who brought the torment to an end! However, in my heart though, I still wondered why the tests in my life.... both the ones I have encountered in the past as well as those I am currently taking at school.... I wondered why the enemy attacked so hard when I was little. Why are tests always so hard??? Tonight... I believe GOD spoke to my heart the answer in the form of a devotional I received through the Proverbs 31 ministries:

"Confident in Job, God allowed the testing."

When I read that little sentence I heard instead, "Confident in Bonnelle, God allowed the testing." It was just amazing to me as the realization washed over me that GOD... the Maker of the Universe... the LORD of Heaven's Armies.... is confident and believes in little 'ole me!! Now I am sure I've heard this at some point before but for some reason tonight... it just had a powerful impact on me. HE believes in me and that's why He allowed the testing... the testing at the hand of bullies... the testing of a little girl left alone... the testing of a mom who lost her son... the testing of Leukemia, job loss and the loss of both my parents... the testing of heartbreak and wrong doing... the testing of taking some of the hardest classes I have ever encountered!! HE believes in me!!

God had confidence in the fact that Job would come out on top. God knew that Job wouldn't turn his back on Him when the going got rough. Oh Job struggled and didn't always see God in the midst of his trial and at times... Job wanted to give up and lay down and die! In the end though Job knew that GOD was GOD and that He had the power and the authority to give and take away and who was he to question His Sovereignty?!

There have been many times where I wanted to give up. Times where I didn't understand or see God in the midst of my test. Times where I felt like I was all alone. Times where I couldn't hear His voice. And yet... my heart clings to the hope that He is still there... holding onto me while I am trying to hold onto HIM.

What an awesome concept... GOD is confident in ME!

healing...

You were only a little girl when events happened which shaped and scarred your life...

I'm sorry the enemy twisted his way in and made you feel abandoned and alone...

Please know... in the midst of it, whether you realize it or not... I was there with you... holding your hand and wiping the tears away.

Now you are an adult... with the scars of a little girls heart. Hold onto my hand and let me dry your tears once again as I walk you through the healing process. This time... you will be completely healed. This time... you will see how I can turn all things... even this... into a testimony which brings hope and healing to others.