trust...

I have been doing Beth Moore's study Breaking Free and God has been speaking to my heart.

I have trust issues. I have a hard time trusting people because of the things that happened to me as a child. I have a hard time trusting God because I have been afraid of what will happen if I do what He tells me. If I obey... it seems the enemy attacks. If I do what He tells me... it seems like something goes wrong and I find I have to trust Him more. How can I trust more when my trust level is already thin? And yet... to not obey... to not listen... that has even harsher consequences. So instead... I tend to do nothing. Cowering in my fear and questioning myself. I go 'round and 'round with the questions! Maybe I didn't hear right... maybe I did something wrong.... was I wrong? was I selfish? did I just THINK I heard God tell me that? why did I fail? why did it hurt so bad if I did what I thought God wanted me to do?

I don't want to continue being afraid!! I don't want to continue having trust issues! I WANT to trust Him more! I want to SEE His blessing and His hand of protection. I want to learn to trust Him more. "Oh for grace... to trust Him more."

The study this morning took me to Isaiah 51 and these verses spoke to me:

vs 7 & 8: "Listen to me, you who know right from wrong, you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people's scorn, nor fear their insults. For the moth will devour them as it devours clothing. The worm will eat at them as it eats wool. But my righteousness will last forever. My salvation will continue from generation to generation.

vs 12-16: I, yes I, am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the LORD, your Creator, the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies? Where is their fury and anger now? It is gone!! Soon all you captives will be released!! Imprisonment, starvation, and death will NOT be your fate! For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the LORD of Heaven's Armies. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand. I stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. I am the one who says to [you, Bonnelle] 'You are my [daughter]'!!

I believe Christ is setting me FREE from my captivity!! I believe He is the LORD of Heaven's Armies! I believe He stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth! I believe I have hid His word in my heart! I believe!! I will no longer remain in constant fear and dread of human oppressors! I will no longer continue to fear the anger of the enemy! I believe the LORD has put His words in my mouth and I am hidden safely in His hand! I am His daughter and He WILL protect me!

I will TRUST in the LORD my God, the Creator of the Universe & the LORD of Heaven's Armies!

so strange...

This place God has me in... I can't really explain it.

It's just a place of waiting... listening... a place where silent tears fall...

A place of just deepening my faith and trust in Him and the fact that... He is right here with me.

I struggle in this place because... I want answers... I long for the direction I seek... I long to KNOW what the next step is.

And yet... He whispers to me... wait.

Everywhere I turn there are little messages... don't give up... keep pressing forward... don't look back.

And yet I question...

Is it selfish of me to take my family into debt in order to pursue a dream... this call I feel that God has for me to fulfill?

I long... to be His hands and feet.

I long... to speak life into the hurting and broken.

I long... to comfort those in need of comforting.

I long... to share with others what God has done for me.

But where? How? With whom?

Lord, shine a light on the path YOU want me to take. Show me the right direction. Show me how to get there from here.

Forgive me for my doubts & fears. I know You're working on them. Please, help my unbelief.

"Twelve audacious faith confessions" from Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still:

1. I AM fully forgiven and FREE from ALL shame and condemnation.

2. I act in audacious faith to change the world in my generation.

3. I have NO fear or anxiety; I trust in the LORD with ALL my heart.

4. I AM able to fulfill the calling GOD has placed on my life.

5. I AM fully resourced to do everything GOD has called me to do.

6. I have NO insecurity, because I see myself the way GOD sees me.

7. I AM a faithful spouse and a godly mother - our family is blessed.

8. I AM completely whole - physically, mentally and emotionally.

9. I AM increasing in influence and favor for the kingdom of GOD.

10. I AM enabled to walk in the sacrificial love of Christ.

11. I have the wisdom of the LORD concerning EVERY decision I make.

12. I AM protected from all harm and evil in Jesus' Name!

He IS faithful and I WILL trust in the LORD! I will trust and not be afraid.

I will wait, yes, my soul will wait... patiently on the LORD.

the road I'm on...

Mother's Day weekend... it always is a challenging one for our family. May 5th is the anniversary date of when our youngest son Gerad went Home to be with Jesus... thirteen years ago... Sometimes it's hard to believe it's been that many years. The funeral was the day before Mother's Day of that year so as Josiah rightly stated last week... the 5th through the 9th are always hard days. We remember... we don't ever seem to say much those days but we remember.

This year... I'm having to process the detour in the road that God has me on. I didn't pass one of the classes for my program so that means I have to sit out until I can retake it in January. My fellow class-mates are moving on ahead of me. I'm not sure what God wants me to do. Do I take a leave of absence from school to pursue a certificate from another school? Do I take the bachelor's classes from my current college and graduate a year later than I anticipated with 2 degrees instead of one? Or... do I abandon this dream altogether and just go back to work full-time? I don't feel like I'm supposed to give up my dream of working in Physical Therapy but at the same time... there are bills to be paid.

Be still....

God keeps telling me to Be still. To just rest. To let Him heal the brokenness in my heart. To take the time to just sit at His feet and... rest. I'm finding this is new territory for me. I think that's the point. To just wait on Him. To work through this Bible study He has me in at the moment - Breaking Free by Beth Moore. To allow Him access to the dead, closed off areas of my heart... the wounded places. To allow Him to fix the places that I have worked so hard at trying to fix on my own. To just rest... in His arms.

This year as I was moving into the 5th of May I felt God nudging me to read a couple of books that up to this point I had thought would be too hard to read. First, I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo and then... on our trip down to Arkansas for my daughter's graduation from college I read Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. Both books touched my heart in different ways. For me, Heaven is for Real was... in some ways... like having Gerad tell me what Heaven is like. It was comforting to be reminded of the fact that Gerad is safe in His arms. And Mary Beth's book... was a comforting reminder that I need to choose to SEE... that God has a plan and purpose for everything He brings into our lives... even the hard things that break our hearts and make us cry.

God is so good and for now... I will REST.