forms....

Yesterday in church, our Pastor read this scripture:

Romans 12:2:

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing a perfect.

I then heard the Lord explain to me part of the issue of the previous day and the previous post. He showed me how I expect things to look a certain way based on how the world says it should look. It's so easy to pick up the behaviors and customs of this world and just assume that's the way things are supposed to be. For me, God showed me how I was locked in to thinking that Christmas should look a certain way... I have been thinking that way for years. If you don't have "this" then Christmas just isn't Christmas... if you can't give lots of gifts then it just isn't Christmas like it should be... if you don't have a tree... well then it just isn't Christmas. Really? Is that really what Christmas is about?

This little book I have been reading during my morning devotions added to this by stating, "Jesus was not attached to the form of things... Often we think a relationship or project should turn out a certain way, but, if we are wise, we must be willing to have it take another form. ... People who are too attached to the form of things are locking themselves into "realities" that are almost always sure to change."

This Christmas I want to look at Christmas differently... I want to be open to doing something different for a change... I want to be willing to see Christmas from God's eyes. I want to allow Him to transform me by changing the way I "think" Christmas should look. I have the feeling He wants to show me something AMAZING... He usually does!

Thank you for letting me ramble my thoughts out here and for your words of encouragement... May you have a very blessed Christmas and may it take on a new form for you as well!

Love,

Bonnelle

struggles...

I hesitate to even write this post... partly because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining when I know I have so much to be thankful for and yet needing to voice these thoughts out in writing... and partly because I don't know how to word this without having it sound bad but you know what?? I need to just say it!

I struggle with this whole time of year. My inward struggle begins November 1st each year as I remember my parent's anniversary and how much I miss them. I also know it heads into the whole season of being thankful and then the Christmas season hits... Once I have managed to make it through Thanksgiving then December 2nd comes... the date of Gerad's birth and last year, it was the date of Nick's funeral...

I just tend to have a blah feeling during the months of November and December. Just a missing of my baby and my parents and the struggles financially that we always seem to walk through at Christmas time when the world says it's all about the gifts and the decorations and the love and the festivities and lights and everybody's joyous! For me.... I just want to crawl in a hole with a warm blanket and hibernate until the New Year. I love New Year's... the promise of something new and hopefully better coming ahead... a time when I can put behind me the sadness of the last couple of months and look forward to the freshness of Spring. Each year I pray it gets easier and yet at the same time... I don't want to forget them. I can't forget them...

Last night as I watched this little boy skip across the lobby at the theater... it reminded me of another little boy... so long ago. My heart once again told Gerad... "I'm sorry"... and then I heard his sweet little voice speak to my heart and say... "It's okay mommy. I love you and I'm having so much fun here!" My heart's reply was... "but I miss you honey." and he said, "I know but I will see you again soon.".... So I smiled and turned away to focus on something else before I started to cry.

Today I wonder... Do all mom's who have lost a child struggle with this time of year? Or is it just me? Whenever I see the snow flakes in light of the streetlights I always remember the night of Gerad's birth and the feeling of wonderment I had that night... wondering if Mary had that same feeling of wonder... I remember standing and wondering what was so special about this child because he felt different in my arms. I knew there was something unique about him. Little did I know what was ahead... I don't think Mary really understood the depths of how special her baby boy was the night He was born. She knew He was special but she couldn't have known how it would feel to watch Him die... to give up His life so that we might live. Thank You Jesus for being willing to give up your life for me. Thank you Mary for being willing to be the vessel used by God to carry such a special child.

That night as Jesus was laying in a manger there wasn't a Christmas tree decorated with lights. There wasn't a whole bunch of gifts because the gifts technically came later. There was just a little family gathered together in a little stable... filled with love for each other and the God who had blessed them so very much. Isn't that what it's really all about anyway? Just being together and being filled with love for each other and the One who has loved us SO much more then we can possibly imagine.

Thank You Jesus for once again... bringing my focus back to you....

the frisbee...

So yesterday I went forward for prayer about my anxieties over my finals today. I wasn't alone in my anxiety issues... there were many people who had come forward for this. The man that prayed over us had us say a verse (I can't remember where it's found) and all I can remember of it is, "don't fret". He then had us close our eyes and picture being in a park playing frisbee with Jesus. He instructed us to throw whatever we were worried about to Jesus.... to cast all of our cares and anxieties on Him and let Him take them.

When I woke up this morning a song played through my head that has a line, "the old me is dead and gone"... I'm not who I used to be in high school. I'm not who I was 11 months ago when I was at my old job. I'm not who I was 20 some years ago when this dream was placed in my heart. I'm growing and I'm learning.... I'm no longer stagnant...

When I went to my Bible this morning to find the verse from yesterday I couldn't find it so I looked at my list of promises from God's Word that we were given several months ago at church. Since I thought today was the 15th, I looked at the verse for the 15th day on my list. It was the scripture in 2 Corinthians 1 that I blogged about before. Immediately upon looking at the page I remembered the verses that had spoken to me that day. The verses that talk about: "We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God... We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us." and, "We have depended on God's grace, not on our own human wisdom."

All this to say... I've thrown the frisbee of these tests to Jesus and I'm looking to Him to take care of the grades for me. I am leaning and relying on Him and His grace, not on my own wisdom and understanding. I trust that.... He's got it! He'll take care of it! And I can trust Him with it! And whenever I think about the Chemistry final I have this afternoon... I can confidently say, "It's okay... God's got it!"

boldly...

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There, we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16)

Chemistry... is a struggle for me... and yet... it is the beginning of the hard classes to come! When I was pausing in my study time this morning to sit and have some time in the Word, He brought me to this verse. As I look at my Chemistry book and all the notes, handouts, homework and tests I have completed over the course of this quarter... there is a LOT of information!! And yet.... I sit here in the presence of the One who created the Universe!! He created all of these atoms and molecules, He created the Heavens and the Earth!

Lord, I do come boldly... and very tiredly... to your throne of much Grace and Mercy. I know that You know ALL things. This is your creation! Science is so... little and easy in your scope of wisdom and knowledge. I come to You because You know more than any scientist EVER!! Lord, I need Your Mercy to finish this quarter strong in this class that has proved to be EXTREMELY challenging for me! Lord, I know You want me to take this and conquer it... like the lion in the pit! I know.... You are here with me! Show me Your mercy and grace as I begin to study for this upcoming final. Show me what to study, how to study so I can finish strong. Show me what to focus on so I can do better then the last test (which I didn't do so well on). You know the grade I need so... I'm counting on You... the creator the Universe... to help me.

You are awesome Lord! Thank You for bringing me this far! Thank You that I know You will not leave me alone in this! Thank You for constantly being with me... each and every step of the way. I give this over to You.

Amen!

strength....

I come from a family of music-lovers... it seems my memories of my Dad always have him whistling or singing a little tune. My mom played the piano so music filled our home. My sisters play the piano and all of us kids sing... so it's no surprise when God drops a song in my path when things are hard... or even joyous.

Today as I was driving home in the rain feeling rather numb this song came on the cd I had playing and I just kept hitting repeat because it ministered to me... and is what's really in my heart of hearts...

You are Faithful

by Hillsong

Lord of all the earth

how you care for me

You have made me

You will saved me

and carry me always

You are faithful

You are faithful

You are faithful

Your joy is my strength

Lord you are my guide

I rely on You

I put my hope in things not seen

Your promises are all true

Always you are with me

Your hand will lead me

My trust is in Your name

You are faithful

You are faithful

You are faithful

Your joy is my strength

Then as I opened my Bible to read from while I ate my lunch He took me to this verse....

Psalm 18:1 & 2:

I love you , Lord;

you are my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior...

He is faithful and He IS my strength... that about says it all. Even when things are rough, when puppies die and little kids get cancer... when you feel alone... in the midst of things you don't understand... in the quietness... He is there. He is there and He knows exactly what we need when we need it. Sometimes, it comes in the comfort of a song or the hug of a friend or even... just.... being. He is faithful...

a fork in the road....

I sit here with two different options before me. Which path do I take? Lord, I want to be where you want me to be... that's always been my desire. Today's verse:

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me." (Psalm 16:8)

As I look at the two paths in front of me... one seems easier and faster, a more direct route in some ways. The other path is harder and longer... more challenging... and yet... I feel the Lord calling me to follow Him.

As I look back at my life, I see hardships but there has been growth along the way. I KNOW He has been with me each and every step, through each and every trial and challenge.

Course, my flesh cries out and doesn't want the pain - who in their right mind would?! But that's just it... the flesh always wants to take the easy route.

He is with me and I know He is directing my each and every step. I will trust in HIM alone. I will follow Him where ever He may take me and even if the road we travel seems hard, I will not be shaken because I KNOW He is right here beside me.

Hmm... guess the choice is made! =)

moments in time...

This week was an interesting to say the very least...

Monday - I found a beautiful new $100 bill in an envelope lying on the ground outside a building at school. Feeling badly for the person who lost it, I took it to the Student Services office so they could hold onto it in case someone would come looking for it. I later found out if it went unclaimed after 30 days, it would be mine. Finding that money and deciding what to do... was a moment in time.

Tuesday - I received a call from Student Services and the owner had indeed come looking for the money. It ended up belonging to a single mom with three kids who works part-time at the campus. She was amazed and I was blessed with the joy of knowing that the lost had been found. Hugging a stranger who was amazed at the goodness of God... was a moment in time.

Wednesday - I had two tests on the same day. For most college students is this a normal occurrence but for me... I was stressed to say the least. Add... on top of two tests my English assignment I had spent HOURS on came back to me with a grade that I thought said "not good enough". I also had a period of feeling like I had failed God in helping someone. Two tests and feeling down... was a moment in time.

Thursday - I went to the library to breathe and spend some time with the Lord when He began speaking to me about the many times in my life where I felt I was walking in more then what I could bear. Situations that were hard and difficult and painful to say the least. He was reminding me of those times and how I felt I couldn't handle much more and yet each and every time He rescued me and delivered me... out of them all! I was asking Him to help me with my test anxiety and He reminded me of how He has called me on this journey and even though it seems hard at the moment, He will bring me through it so He receives the Glory. As I was leaving the library a man stopped me and asked me what I was studying. "Oh... I'm taking my general Math and Science classes because I want to go into Physical Therapy", I replied. He asked me how long that took and I explained that I would spend a year at Metro catching up and then I would do a year at Clarkson where I would graduate with an Associates as an Assistant and then hopefully go on from there. He told me to not waste my time on the Associates but to go for the end goal... to go for what I felt I should be doing. It was a moment in time where I felt the presence of God settle down on me. A moment where I knew this wasn't just a stranger sitting there being nice to me, it was the voice of the Lord speaking to me. I explained how I had always been afraid of Physical Therapy because of how I had done in high school. He went on to tell me how I shouldn't worry about how I did in high school. "That was then, this is now" he said and he explained how we all do silly things in high school. "Don't let how you did then, hold you back from what you're supposed to do now."

Friday - as part of the Clarkson application process I had scheduled to do eight hours of observation of Physical Therapists. I spent the day observing and asking questions. What were the differences between a Physical Therapist and a Physical Therapist Assistant and did the credits transfer from the classes I would take as an Assistant into the Physical Therapy programs offered at area colleges. What were their suggestions?

As I look back at the ups and downs of this week I see the Hand of God. He's shown me how there will be times where I will do really well and be really happy with how things are going. Then, there will be times where I feel like I failed and wonder why in the world God would have me walking this path. He revealed to me that if I will just simply lean on and rely on Him, He WILL take me through this journey. He WILL rescue me in the hard places and He WILL continue to lead me and guide me each step as I trust in Him.

I believe He has a plan and a purpose for all of these struggles we face and have faced. I believe that the loss of a child, another who was diagnosed and healed of a serious illness, a husband with a back injury and a 43 year woman starting to pursue Physical Therapy.... it all fits together for my good and for His Glory!

I went and picked up the book that God used as a catalyst for this journey and I read this line that speaks volumes...

"There is an old aphorism: 'No guts, no glory.' When we don't have the guts to step out in faith and chase lions, then God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him." -- Mark Batterson

I don't want to rob Him of the Glory He deserves.

For this moment in time... I will trust in Him and give Him all the praise and Glory for this weeks... "moments in time".