Saturday, December 5, 2009

struggles...

I hesitate to even write this post... partly because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining when I know I have so much to be thankful for and yet needing to voice these thoughts out in writing... and partly because I don't know how to word this without having it sound bad but you know what?? I need to just say it!

I struggle with this whole time of year. My inward struggle begins November 1st each year as I remember my parent's anniversary and how much I miss them. I also know it heads into the whole season of being thankful and then the Christmas season hits... Once I have managed to make it through Thanksgiving then December 2nd comes... the date of Gerad's birth and last year, it was the date of Nick's funeral...

I just tend to have a blah feeling during the months of November and December. Just a missing of my baby and my parents and the struggles financially that we always seem to walk through at Christmas time when the world says it's all about the gifts and the decorations and the love and the festivities and lights and everybody's joyous! For me.... I just want to crawl in a hole with a warm blanket and hibernate until the New Year. I love New Year's... the promise of something new and hopefully better coming ahead... a time when I can put behind me the sadness of the last couple of months and look forward to the freshness of Spring. Each year I pray it gets easier and yet at the same time... I don't want to forget them. I can't forget them...

Last night as I watched this little boy skip across the lobby at the theater... it reminded me of another little boy... so long ago. My heart once again told Gerad... "I'm sorry"... and then I heard his sweet little voice speak to my heart and say... "It's okay mommy. I love you and I'm having so much fun here!" My heart's reply was... "but I miss you honey." and he said, "I know but I will see you again soon.".... So I smiled and turned away to focus on something else before I started to cry.

Today I wonder... Do all mom's who have lost a child struggle with this time of year? Or is it just me? Whenever I see the snow flakes in light of the streetlights I always remember the night of Gerad's birth and the feeling of wonderment I had that night... wondering if Mary had that same feeling of wonder... I remember standing and wondering what was so special about this child because he felt different in my arms. I knew there was something unique about him. Little did I know what was ahead... I don't think Mary really understood the depths of how special her baby boy was the night He was born. She knew He was special but she couldn't have known how it would feel to watch Him die... to give up His life so that we might live. Thank You Jesus for being willing to give up your life for me. Thank you Mary for being willing to be the vessel used by God to carry such a special child.

That night as Jesus was laying in a manger there wasn't a Christmas tree decorated with lights. There wasn't a whole bunch of gifts because the gifts technically came later. There was just a little family gathered together in a little stable... filled with love for each other and the God who had blessed them so very much. Isn't that what it's really all about anyway? Just being together and being filled with love for each other and the One who has loved us SO much more then we can possibly imagine.

Thank You Jesus for once again... bringing my focus back to you....

3 comments:

Cheri' said...

Oh my precious friend. I think it's totally normal to feel grief again at this time of year! Just the other day as I was hanging up Christmas decorations in the house I thought about my mom and dad, and how I miss them this time of year. I don't think we'll ever stop missing those who have gone on before us. I think the reason we struggle is because we don't "fit" here. We are aliens and strangers, just passing through! That's why all the fuss about Christmas isn't what's really important -- it's just like you said -- it's all about Him! And when I focus on Him -- I don't know about you -- but, my joy returns because He is just so AMAZING!

The Blue Sparrow said...

I am struggeling with the holidays this year too, I just miss Bryston so much. And yes I think that is so very normal. Alot of the other women that I talk to who have lost children feel the same. Stay strong! Thinking of you! *HUGS*

Kate said...

Hugs to you. It's not complaining to express your feelings. I'm like you where writing helps me process and work through what's in my heart. I lost my dad 16 years ago right after Thanksgiving, and this time of year always brings up sad memories as well as happy.

Love you!