Life...

I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time... partly because of school and being really busy but also... partly because I believed the lie that told me my words don't really matter. I tend to use this place... this "private" little place to bear my heart... to share things I don't normally talk about... to blab about things that are going on in my heart and my head. However, I think to a certain extent... not writing has caused me to lock up my heart.

I woke up feeling every bit the failure this morning. I had started the month of February determined to do a cleanse for my body in the midst of doing two different Bible studies, one on the fruit of the Spirit and one from the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. I wanted to find the reasons behind why I eat the way I do, the feelings that drive me to eat as well as to get healthy and lose weight. I did really well for the first couple of weeks and felt it was really easy to stick to but then... I started to slide back into my old habits. To me, it is a parallel to school. I started the semester ready to be focused and in the beginning it seemed really easy and I was on track with studying and then... I started to slide. Why can't things in life just be easy? A dear friend told me the other night that this process wasn't going to be easy and I realized... it wouldn't be a challenge if it was easy... it wouldn't bring growth if it was easy... and it wouldn't bear fruit in my life if it was easy.

As I was feeling like a failure this morning, a failure for sliding off the healthy wagon... a failure for struggling on my tests... a failure for not trusting God in EVERY area of my life and the lives of my family... I heard God speak to my heart, "Be strong and courageous and do the work."

While I was having my quiet time in this little corner of Panera, He brought me back to those words so I have been sitting quietly... listening. I hear two things... the voice of my Heavenly Father telling me (in a firm, Fatherly voice) not to whine and complain about how hard it may seem... to stick with it... to do the work that is required. But I also hear the gentle whisper of His voice telling me to be strong and courageous... to not be afraid because He is right here with me.

1 Chronicles 28:20

David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.

Oh for the grace... to trust You more.

I'm not really sure why I wrote all of this... maybe it was just necessary to begin again. I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog any more and if not... that's okay. I'm just thankful for a place where I can "voice" the thoughts that roll around on the inside of my head.

Thanks for "listening".

From a Mother's heart....

Sometimes I wonder...

What you would look like

if you were still here with us today?

What would you be interested in?

Would you have lots of friends?

or would your brother & sister still be your

best friends?

You would be a senior this year...

and driving.

Would you be looking at colleges?

or would you be wanting to stay close

to home for one more year?

Would you be as tall as your brother?

or somewhere in between?

Would you still like kitty's?

But then I wonder....

What's heaven really like?

Do you play all day?

or do you just sit at the feet of Jesus?

Do the angels really sing forever?

Is it as beautiful as we imagine?

Do you miss us as much as we miss you?

I still love you

and miss your little hand in mine.

Even though I know you would be big now

I miss the sound of your voice

and the kisses you used to give me.

I miss the flowers you would bring me.

but mostly... I just miss you.

Say hello to Jesus for me.

And I hope you know that...

I will always

love you.

What a concept...

So... I haven't blogged for a long time. School has kind of taken over my life and it seems all I do now is study, study, study! (Even more so than what I thought possible!) And yet... it doesn't seem like enough at times.

In the midst of all my studying, GOD has been working on my heart... chipping away at a life-time of insecurity issues that have dug deep grooves into my heart and mind. To touch very briefly on a much longer story... when I was a little girl I was deeply impacted by the hands and words of bullies and no one knew.... no one that is, except my Heavenly Father.

This past week while I was on fall "break" (I had to study for 3 mid-terms in the midst of my time "off) the Lord dug deep into my heart and ministered to the wounds of my little girl heart. In the end He told me that I had passed the test during that time... and during every hard time I have encountered since. I had one question... well, two questions at the end of that powerful time and that was... "Why didn't You stop it? Why did You allow it to happen in the first place?" At the time, He showed me that He did stop it. He caused my enemies to stumble and fall away. HE was the one who brought the torment to an end! However, in my heart though, I still wondered why the tests in my life.... both the ones I have encountered in the past as well as those I am currently taking at school.... I wondered why the enemy attacked so hard when I was little. Why are tests always so hard??? Tonight... I believe GOD spoke to my heart the answer in the form of a devotional I received through the Proverbs 31 ministries:

"Confident in Job, God allowed the testing."

When I read that little sentence I heard instead, "Confident in Bonnelle, God allowed the testing." It was just amazing to me as the realization washed over me that GOD... the Maker of the Universe... the LORD of Heaven's Armies.... is confident and believes in little 'ole me!! Now I am sure I've heard this at some point before but for some reason tonight... it just had a powerful impact on me. HE believes in me and that's why He allowed the testing... the testing at the hand of bullies... the testing of a little girl left alone... the testing of a mom who lost her son... the testing of Leukemia, job loss and the loss of both my parents... the testing of heartbreak and wrong doing... the testing of taking some of the hardest classes I have ever encountered!! HE believes in me!!

God had confidence in the fact that Job would come out on top. God knew that Job wouldn't turn his back on Him when the going got rough. Oh Job struggled and didn't always see God in the midst of his trial and at times... Job wanted to give up and lay down and die! In the end though Job knew that GOD was GOD and that He had the power and the authority to give and take away and who was he to question His Sovereignty?!

There have been many times where I wanted to give up. Times where I didn't understand or see God in the midst of my test. Times where I felt like I was all alone. Times where I couldn't hear His voice. And yet... my heart clings to the hope that He is still there... holding onto me while I am trying to hold onto HIM.

What an awesome concept... GOD is confident in ME!

healing...

You were only a little girl when events happened which shaped and scarred your life...

I'm sorry the enemy twisted his way in and made you feel abandoned and alone...

Please know... in the midst of it, whether you realize it or not... I was there with you... holding your hand and wiping the tears away.

Now you are an adult... with the scars of a little girls heart. Hold onto my hand and let me dry your tears once again as I walk you through the healing process. This time... you will be completely healed. This time... you will see how I can turn all things... even this... into a testimony which brings hope and healing to others.

sufficient..

As I have been pondering on the question Jesus presented to blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10:51:

"What do you want me to do for you?"

As I hear Jesus asking me this same question, first, I start at the surface...

Please provide for us financially to pay for our bills, books, school, food... the things we need.

I hear Him reply with, "I will provide. Remember? I WILL take good care of you."

Then... I go a little deeper...

Please help me with school. Help me continue doing well for Your glory. Help me get through this program well so I can be Your hands and feet.

I hear Him say... "My grace is sufficient for you..."

Then... when I go deeper and really look at the heart of the matter I see my fear and yes... my unbelief.

Lord, I think really and truly... I want you to heal my heart and deliver me from my fear and my unbelief. My fear of bad things happening, my fear of not having enough, my fear of failure, my fear of rejection, my fear of not being enough or being good enough, and my fear of being left out in the cold... even by You. This prayer I read this morning puts it in a nutshell...

"Help me believe in Your sufficiency in every situation."

In any and all things... Help me believe in YOUR sufficiency. Help me to believe that You will ALWAYS provide and You will ALWAYS take good care of me. Help me believe... that Your grace is really all that I need.

Each time Jesus said,

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in [your] weakness."

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

this word....

His words this morning brought such peace to my heart...

"I will never put you in danger... I will always take good care of you."

Yes... I cried.

I love how He reassures me that He watches over me and looks out for me. He will take care of me in any and every situation and He knows... what's best for me. I am learning to trust daily in His guidance and care.

Oh how I love Him so much!

No fear....

I love reading through the stories of Joshua. I am always amazed at his courage and how he led the Isrealites into battle. This time through though... God has been showing me things. Before every battle, God told Joshua, "Do not be afraid!" He encouraged him to be "strong and courageous" just as many times. I began to realize that even though we're not told this... there must have been a little bit of fear in Joshua's heart. He didn't go by the courage God had given him in the last battle... each time He needed to hear those words again, "Do not be afraid of them... be strong and courageous."

Yesterday's portion of scripture really spoke to my heart. It's found in Joshua 11:4-8. A multitude of kings had banded together with all of their fighting men in the hope that they would conquer and put an end to Joshua and the Isrealites.

"All these kings came out to fight. Their combined armies formed a vast horde. And with all their horses and chariots, they covered the landscape like the sand on the seashore. The kings joined forces and established their camp around the water near Merom to fight against Israel. Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them. By this time tomorrow I will hand all of them over to Israel as dead men.... So Joshua and all his fighting men traveled to the water near Merom and attacked suddenly. And the LORD gave them victory over their enemies."

There are times when I walk into a new place for the first time and suddenly I feel overwhelmed. For example, when I walked into Wal-Mart when they were switching everything around and redoing the whole store... I was overwhelmed. Nothing was where it used to be and there were all these new colors and things were on the shelves differently even... it almost seemed too much at one time for my senses! Silly I know but yet... it happens sometimes. Or when I walk into a room full of people I don't know... there is this moment of panic that happens inside me. Or... when I suddenly have a multitude of assignments and papers to write and I don't know how to get it all done...

What stood out to me about this passage first was that there were a whole bunch of kings that had joined forces... their armies, horses and chariots covered the landscape like the sand on the seashore... that's a LOT! I think if it were me... I would feel a little scared and not so courageous! There would be a moment of panic as I would see all those men, horses and chariots! But the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them." He assured Joshua once again that they would win. So Joshua went to the heart of the operation... where all the kings had camped and set up their headquarters... and attacked suddenly! And the LORD gave them victory over their enemies!

When I was meditating on this passage this morning during my walk. The Lord compared it to school for me. I have a lot of work due next week and this has been a very busy week. There have been several times where I have felt and even said out loud, "I don't know how I will do it when I have a full-time school schedule again!" I only have two classes this quarter and I have felt overwhelmed again... many times through this school journey I have felt overwhelmed... a little panic mode sets in. But the LORD says, "Do not be afraid!! Be strong and courageous for I AM with you!" and I believe... the LORD will give me victory!

I have a hard time finishing things sometimes. There are books that I have started but not finished. There is a shower door I have started cleaning but not finished because it required more scrubbing than what I had time for one morning. School though... I really believe that God wants me to finish this journey He has started in me and I believe... He will give me victory! So He reminds me every so often... Do not be afraid, be strong and courageous for I AM with you!