No fear....

I love reading through the stories of Joshua. I am always amazed at his courage and how he led the Isrealites into battle. This time through though... God has been showing me things. Before every battle, God told Joshua, "Do not be afraid!" He encouraged him to be "strong and courageous" just as many times. I began to realize that even though we're not told this... there must have been a little bit of fear in Joshua's heart. He didn't go by the courage God had given him in the last battle... each time He needed to hear those words again, "Do not be afraid of them... be strong and courageous."

Yesterday's portion of scripture really spoke to my heart. It's found in Joshua 11:4-8. A multitude of kings had banded together with all of their fighting men in the hope that they would conquer and put an end to Joshua and the Isrealites.

"All these kings came out to fight. Their combined armies formed a vast horde. And with all their horses and chariots, they covered the landscape like the sand on the seashore. The kings joined forces and established their camp around the water near Merom to fight against Israel. Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them. By this time tomorrow I will hand all of them over to Israel as dead men.... So Joshua and all his fighting men traveled to the water near Merom and attacked suddenly. And the LORD gave them victory over their enemies."

There are times when I walk into a new place for the first time and suddenly I feel overwhelmed. For example, when I walked into Wal-Mart when they were switching everything around and redoing the whole store... I was overwhelmed. Nothing was where it used to be and there were all these new colors and things were on the shelves differently even... it almost seemed too much at one time for my senses! Silly I know but yet... it happens sometimes. Or when I walk into a room full of people I don't know... there is this moment of panic that happens inside me. Or... when I suddenly have a multitude of assignments and papers to write and I don't know how to get it all done...

What stood out to me about this passage first was that there were a whole bunch of kings that had joined forces... their armies, horses and chariots covered the landscape like the sand on the seashore... that's a LOT! I think if it were me... I would feel a little scared and not so courageous! There would be a moment of panic as I would see all those men, horses and chariots! But the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them." He assured Joshua once again that they would win. So Joshua went to the heart of the operation... where all the kings had camped and set up their headquarters... and attacked suddenly! And the LORD gave them victory over their enemies!

When I was meditating on this passage this morning during my walk. The Lord compared it to school for me. I have a lot of work due next week and this has been a very busy week. There have been several times where I have felt and even said out loud, "I don't know how I will do it when I have a full-time school schedule again!" I only have two classes this quarter and I have felt overwhelmed again... many times through this school journey I have felt overwhelmed... a little panic mode sets in. But the LORD says, "Do not be afraid!! Be strong and courageous for I AM with you!" and I believe... the LORD will give me victory!

I have a hard time finishing things sometimes. There are books that I have started but not finished. There is a shower door I have started cleaning but not finished because it required more scrubbing than what I had time for one morning. School though... I really believe that God wants me to finish this journey He has started in me and I believe... He will give me victory! So He reminds me every so often... Do not be afraid, be strong and courageous for I AM with you!

She Speaks...

My friend Lysa is having a contest for a scholarship to this year's She Speaks Conference. She and information about the contest can be found at: http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com.

Now... let me tell you about the time I attended a She Speaks Conference. I had longed to go ever since I first heard about the Proverbs 31 ministry and the ladies behind the ministry. I had at one time dreamed of maybe writing a book about the loss of our son or even just the trials we had gone through as a family. My wonderful Dad passed away a few years ago and when I found out each of us kids would be getting a small inheritance check, I prayed about what I should do with my share and immediately the words "She Speaks Conference" came to my mind. I presented this desire and the desire to get a laptop to my sister's and later to my husband. At first he agreed with the laptop idea and eventually he agreed that I should attend the conference as well. When I first arrived I was rather overwhelmed... there were so many wonderful women there and they all seemed far more accomplished than I was. At first, I wondered why God would have wanted me to come to this conference. As the conference progressed, however, God crossed my path with my wonderful friend Tammy at: http://www.tammynischan.blogspot.com/ and her story was similar to mine... she had lost a child and had another child walking through cancer. As we shared our stories and our tears a deep friendship grew and I suddenly realized why God had brought me to this conference. Finally, Renee Swope at http://www.reneeswope.blogspot.com/ spoke on the Shadow of the Cross. At the end of the message we were to write down our doubts and fears and take them to the cross. Once we released them we were supposed to pick up a card and take it back to our seats. As I sat down and read my new card... the word CHOSEN was written with the verse from 1 Peter 2:9 - "For you are a chosen (woman). You are a royal priest a holy (daughter). God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you out of the darkness into His wonderful light." The Lord began to speak to my heart about how HE had Chosen ME to not only come to this conference but to speak HIS words and to share my story with others. When I returned home after this amazing weekend I did two things.... I sat down and created this blog and then went and enrolled in an English class at our local community college.

I would LOVE to return to the She Speaks Conference this summer but since I'm not working full-time and I'm currently taking more college classes... the money is not available in our already stretched budget. The opportunity to win a scholarship has been presented and I would see it as a total miracle of God if I won!! Thus... this post is to enter the contest. If it would be the Lord's will that I would win and be able to attend... it would be for His Glory! I would love to develop this little blog into a platform where I can share God's word with other hurting mom's or weary wives or lonely daughters. I would love to be able share even more what God has done in my life and the lives of other women I know.

Lord, I give this desire to You.... I place it in Your Hands and allow You to determine the outcome. Even if I am not selected for this scholarship, I pray that You will deeply bless the women who do attend and may their lives be as deeply impacted as mine was!

AMEN!

it all begins with a lie...

This morning I watched a tv program online and the Lord spoke to my heart through it. In the show, one of the main characters, a woman, was standing on the beach of an ocean. She had this voice that was telling her all kinds of lies and was encouraging her to end her life. As I saw her wavering, the Lord spoke to me, "She's believing a lie." She was trying to tell the voice that what he was saying wasn't true but he was being persistent. He kept telling her that she was worthless and that no one would really love her, that people didn't care about her. Suddenly in the distance a figure appeared... it was someone who loved her and he was looking for her. As she began saying out loud who he was and what they had meant to each other, she called out to him and he ran to her. As the man came running to her... the lying voice left her.

After the show ended and I shut it off, I heard the Lord speak to my heart, "It all begins with a lie." The enemy comes in and whispers to your heart. If you grab hold of the lie... soon it becomes the truth you believe. I went for a walk to hear what God was saying to me about the lies I have believed. He talked to me yesterday about setting me free from the fear and anxieties I have held onto over the years. So today, as I was putting on my shoes I asked Him where the lie came in that planted the seed of fear. Once again we went back in time to where I was a little girl. I was deeply hurt at a time where my zeal for the Lord was strong. I had wanted to share with my friends at school the good things that God had done in my heart the night before... and it turned ugly. I became afraid of them and what they would do next. More than anything, I became afraid to share with anyone else what God had done in my life... I became afraid to share anything really deep with anyone. The lie I believed was that if I shared my heart and my joy... if I shared my passion and my hope with others... I would get hurt. I would be ridiculed. I would be made fun of. So I became afraid. Afraid of sharing the deepest most personal part of me. My faith in Christ.

When I got back from my walk I stood in the sunshine for a little bit and just listened. I felt the warmth of His love as He told me not to be afraid, that He was here with me and He would never leave me or forsake me. He told me not everyone would respond that way and that there were people in my life that needed to hear about Him and what He has done in me. I told Him I was sorry for being afraid and for believing the lie. He showed me that those girls believed a lie too. They were afraid of the light that was shinning from me that morning. The enemy... was afraid of the Light that was shinning. The enemy wanted to silence me because he knew that if I shared the joy of my salvation, the joy of my heart, the love I had for Christ... there would be people who would believe. So he silenced me. For all these years.

As I came to sit down at my computer to write I was reminded of the verse that's at the top of this blog. God chose me. I am HIS daughter. I am HIS. As a result, I can show others the goodness of God... but not just show them by living my life before them. He wants me to TELL them... TELL them about His goodness and His grace... TELL them how He has set me free and rescued me... TELL them about His love... TELL them about the Truth that will set them free.

For GOD has said:

"I will never fail you.

I will never abandon you."

So we (I) can say with confidence,

"The LORD is my helper,

so I will have NO fear.

What can mere people do to me?"

Lord, please forgive me for being afraid all these years. Please forgive me for keeping you locked up tight in my heart. Please forgive me for not sharing your goodness with those around me. Your love is not just for me... it's for everyone around me. I ask now, Lord, that You would break the power of the lies and that You would release my tongue to boldly speak about You. Give me the right words so I can boldly speak and explain the Good News of what You have done in my life... It's not just for Christians to hear about but it's for the lost to hear about as well. Empower me to speak Your truth to those around me. In Your Name I ask... and believe it will be done. Amen.

returning to Him...

Today's verses:

"If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve Me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! They will fight against you like an attacking army, but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze. They will not conquer you, for I am with you to protect and rescue you. I the Lord have spoken!" (Jeremiah 15:19-20)

I love when I'm in the midst of a Bible study or a sermon and the message takes me to a verse or a passage of scripture and I feel a little nudge from the Spirit to read further. That happened this morning. In a study I'm doing, the reference was actually verse 16 - "When I discovered Your words, I devoured them. They are my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear Your name, O Lord God of Heaven's Armies." I read that verse over several times and was pondering on the aspect of feasting on God's word when I felt that nudge from the Spirit. When He took me further in the chapter I was overwhelmed. I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me... piecing these verses together...

The Lord has been drawing me to His Word lately in a way in which I can not really describe. It's a good thing... a necessary thing. This morning... it was as if I couldn't get enough of the Word and I wanted to hear all that He was speaking to me. Even now... as I look at each verse there is so much.

"If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me." I haven't strayed away from the Lord like I once did in the past but I have let other things crowd my vision... I have become distracted by the daily things, busyness, food, errands, answering emails... you name it. What I felt the Lord saying to me though as I was feeling the "devouring of His Words" was, that if I invest the time to return to Him... to have His Word fill up my time... as I listen to His voice and His leading... He will restore my life, my heart and my mind to serve Him more fully.

"If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman." I hung my head... how many times have I spoken worthless words? How many times have I joined in on a discussion about someone? How many times have I spoken words that tore down rather than built up? I long to be His spokesman! I long to speak good words... HIS words... to the people He has in my life. "You must influence them; do not let them influence you!" I felt the Lord saying to me... don't join in with people when they're talking about others. Don't let them influence your judgement or your perspective... YOU influence them! When they speak badly... speak good words. Words that lift up the conversation.

"They will fight against you like an attacking army, but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze. They will not conquer you, for I am with you to protect and rescue you. I the Lord have spoken!" It is challenging to go against the crowd... It is challenging to do or say something I believe the Lord is calling me to do or say. The enemy fights against us like an attacking army... but look... His word says He will make me as secure as a fortified wall of BRONZE! They will NOT conquer me for He IS with me and will protect and rescue me! Isn't that so... awesome!!

Here it is for you... I have struggled with my weight for YEARS! The up and down cycle of the scale... it's so frustrating. I have been really seeking God on it lately because I really believe there are reasons behind why I eat too much. I know some is a feeling of comfort, some is boredom, some is feeling like I deserve a reward after studying or doing something hard. He has been talking to me for several weeks on how in many ways... food has become an idol to me. I was seeking my comfort and reward in food... something that doesn't satisfy. He has been encouraging me to come and feast on His Word FIRST before I go for food... What He has been showing me has been.... so.... good. Already I feel... as I have been returning my focus to Him... He is restoring my soul, my heart, my mind, my body so I can continue to serve Him in a much deeper way. As I devour His Words... good words rather than worthless ones... will flow out of my mouth and I will be His spokesman. As I feast on His Words.... I will be an influencer... rather than being influenced by those around me. As I sit before Him daily... taking in His Words and listening to His voice... He will make me strong and will protect and rescue me from the attacking army!! The Lord has spoken!!

Lord, I long to be satisfied in You. Please forgive me for getting distracted, for letting my focus be on the temporary rather than on YOU... Forgive me for being influenced by the world, by food, by people around me. Forgive me for speaking worthless words. Father I give myself to You once again... Restore my soul. Restore my heart, mind and body for YOUR glory. As I seek to devour Your words... may Your words be the words that I speak. Thank You for being my help, my protector and my rescuer. My whole being longs to follow hard after you and to cling closely to you! Be my guide. Show me Your ways. Let Your words flow out of my mouth.

Amen.

favorite verse this week...

Tuesday I was doing some praying and searching... later while reading my friend Kathy's blog she pointed me to this verse and the Lord spoke volumes to me:

"It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat (or anxiously trying to get everything done); for God gives REST to His loved ones." Psalm 127:2

The Lord showed me that's what I had been doing. I was staying up REALLY late and then getting up super early in the morning trying to get all my homework done, trying to wrap my brain around all the concepts, trying to do everything well. All the while I felt like I wasn't understanding and the more I tried, the more I felt like I was drowning.

This week after dropping my Algebra class (and later struggling with that decision) God has had me resting physically but also coming to a point of resting in HIM. God has called me to the process of school and learning... but I am not alone in the process. I think I took on school and felt I had to conquer it all... like my grades and everything rode on me and my performance. The thing is... It's God calling... so He wants to be the one to conquer and bring victory... so I don't get the glory but He alone gets the Glory. Now I know that doesn't mean I sit back and do nothing at all but at the same time I have come to realize that it also doesn't mean I let it consume me!

He loves me... He has called me... He has chosen me.... He watches over my path and He will lead and guide me each step. My part? Is to listen to His voice and follow His leading.

Lord, forgive me for forgetting to REST in You.

bits...

When I write I tend to ramble... Here's a comment I left on my friend Renee's blog this morning:

I have a long story but I'll try to give you bits here... It started 11 years ago when I came to a conference and God spoke into my heart Jeremiah 29:11-14 too. I knew He had plans and purposes for my life and I knew it involved leaving where we were and moving to a different state. 6 weeks later my son died. God kept reminding me over and over of those verses and that He had a plan. My marriage almost failed but we moved a year later...

A year ago God planted in my heart to leave my job of nine years and go back to school. (At least I'm still praying that it was God. He's been opening doors so I'm still trusting Him.) This week I failed my 3rd Algebra test so I dropped the class. I was afraid of failing and having it pull down my grades and ruin my chances of getting into the next school. Today... I wonder if I did the right thing or if I should have plugged through it anyway.

My doubts are fueled by fear. As I asked the Lord this morning to speak to my heart through His word to reveal what's going on... my reading this morning was about Moses. God called him... he was afraid and argued with God. Moses' doubts were fueled by fear.

As I'm looking at my heart and issues I have with intimacy and communication I'm seeing... doubt and fear as being behind everything. I'm so afraid of not saying the right words that I don't say anything at all. I doubt my words will matter. I'm so afraid of being hurt or abandoned that I don't go deep in relationships. I doubt people will love me and stick with me.

As you may know if you've been reading the last few posts... I have been struggling with some things. Words have been spoken to me that have really caused me to think, ponder and this morning... go to God for answers. As I sat asking Him what I was supposed to do I opened my Bible first to Psalm 1 and I felt like the answers I need are in God's Word. I then went to my One Year Bible to read the portion for today and Moses appeared before my eyes. I saw God calling him... telling him it was time... time to move forward by going back to Egypt. Moses doubted himself... doubted God being with him... doubted the direction he was receiving. Moses was afraid of people not believing him... not listening to him... he was afraid of things not working out. Today, the story of Moses looked like me.

As I went to Renee's blog and read about doubt and fear I see God showing me what the issues are. I haven't found the point where they began but I do know that God wants to heal the issues of my heart.

Lord, forgive me for doubting and being afraid. Please open up the places I have closed off in my heart. Open my ears to hear your voice and help me to follow your lead.

at that point....

I'm at that point again... the point where I am tired and overwhelmed... the point where I wonder if I will ever make it through this.... As I walked into the bathroom after class this morning I heard this gentle reminder: "Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."

As I was walking to the library I felt I should come blog about this... part of me felt silly because I am just overwhelmed with classes and there are so many others that are overwhelmed with much bigger issues... the loss of a child or the loss of a home or the chaos of destruction all around them. How can I blog about something silly like being overwhelmed with classes? And again, I felt the gentle whisper of the Lord say to me, "Overwhelmed is overwhelmed. Each person's "thing" seems overwhelming to them and yet... I am the Source of their help." So here I am... sitting at a computer and blogging about feeling overwhelmed and the Source of our help and hope.

Here is the full passage:

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

When we feel overwhelmed... we feel like we are buried beneath the load of something... grief, dispair, anxiety... it's like a crushing weight. Or maybe.... we feel like the "thing" in front of us is insurmountable... like climbing to the tallest mountain top. I like how this Psalm calls it "A song of ascents". When we're at the bottom of a mountain... or even part way up... if we look up, sometimes it seems like the top is still SO far away. We struggle and feel overwhelmed... like we'll never make it to the top. I imagined myself standing in front of the mountain and looking at the climb that lies ahead and wondering... How will I ever do it? How will I ever make it? ....Where will my help come from? We know... our help comes from the Lord. His grace is sufficient... He is the Source of our strength. He is the Source of everything we need for the climb up and out of where we are. If you are lying beneath a load of grief... He is your strength. If you are lying beneath a pile of destruction... He is your way out. If you are standing in front of a mountain that doesn't appear to be moving or getting any smaller... He is the God of the impossible.

He knows the way... up, out, over or through. His Word says that He will watch over you. He won't let your foot slip, He won't let you fall. He won't take His eyes off of you... with each step He will be exactly what you need. He will be your shelter, your covering, your protection. He will be a shade for you when you feel the "heat" of what ever you are going through. He will keep you from all harm....even when it hurts SO bad. He will watch over you and He won't ever let you go.

He will pull me through.... even if I don't know how... I know... He will pull me through. He will take care of me. He knows exactly what I need.... exactly when I need it. He holds my hand and I can hear Him encouraging me to press onward. "Keep going... you can do it.... hang in there.... I'm right by your side."

Maybe you're having one of those days.... where you feel like you can't even hold your head up. Try again... look up... and you will see... the Lord, the maker of the heavens and then earth... He's there to help you take the next step. He's there to hold you up and push you forward. You can do it... with His help... you CAN do ALL things through Him!! Hold onto His hand and He will lift you up.

Praying for you today as you step past this point.