Chosen

simply put...

2012-01-15T22:07:00.001-06:00

He has chosen me and He will never EVER abandon me!!

He is right by my side... ALWAYS! He will Protect me... He will ALWAYS keep me... He will guard me and by my shelter.

The opposite of abandon is KEEP.

He will always KEEP me... He won't ever throw me away... He will tend to me and watch over me... He will never take His eyes off of me... He is in "perfect attendance" to my every step. The Lord HIMSELF watches over me and KEEPs me.

As I start a new semester tomorrow... these were just wonderful words of assurance that I needed to hear tonight. I love that as I walk into a new day tomorrow... He will be right by my side and He won't leave me... EVER. When I look at the mountain before me... I know that my help will come from the Lord... the Maker of heaven and earth... my Protector and ever present help.

He is just SO good!

New Year...

2012-01-08T22:02:00.000-06:00

The days that have transpired since my last post have not been uneventful. I have been learning a lot about grace & love... about my own heart issues... and most recently about how HE has chosen ME. I am in awe of God's Grace. I am in awe of how much He loves me. I am in awe at how much He carries me through this journey called life.

In a nutshell:
Just before Thanksgiving I began (again) the Made to Crave study but this time... with my sister Wendy. At first, I have to admit, my thought process was to prepare for the wedding this coming August of my daughter to her wonderful fiance'. Of course... God had other plans and ultimately... my desire became that I wanted to be free of the issues that held me back from being all that God desires of me. He has been changing and transforming me and showing me things on a deeper level... Again... I am amazed at His love & grace.

Christmas is almost always a challenge for me financially as well as emotionally. This year though was different. God reminded me that the true reason for the season was the birth of His Son. While our gifts to the kids were small, I know that it meant a lot to them. For others... I wanted to show them how much they meant to me and to bless each one. God's idea of course blessed them indeed.

The New Year... came in quietly but God spoke to my heart tenderly one evening and it's been on-going through the last several days. He revealed to me the reason behind my food issues and a deep healing has begun. I rejoice in His love & care for me and in this simple promise:

Isaiah 41:9 ~ For I have chosen you and I will not throw you away.

I will share more in the days to come!

December 2nd...

2011-12-02T07:53:00.001-06:00

I remember this day, 18 years ago.... like it was yesterday. Being extremely large with child, going into the hospital to be induced for what would be the last time.... the extremely FAST birth of my youngest and largest child and the concern in my doctor's eyes. But more than anything... I remember that night, when I looked out the window while holding you in my arms... there were these light snowflakes falling... it was such a beautiful night. I remember wondering... Was this what Mary felt like the night Jesus was born? So filled with awe and wonder... and a "knowing" that this child in my arms was different... special.

I just want you to know that I still miss you... I wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday. I wish I could have watched you grow into a young man. However, in all my wishes I'm thankful... thankful for the years we did have with you... thankful that you're safe in Jesus arms... thankful that one day we will see each other again and thankful that when I do see you again... will be even more joyous than the first!

I love you little buddy! Happy 18th Birthday!

tonight....

2011-11-23T22:22:00.001-06:00

Tonight my heart is so full and so thankful... not just because tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day but because... I'm just so thankful for God's grace on my life.... it never, never ceases to amaze me.

Things I'm thankful for....

My beautiful daughter is getting married in 9 months to a really sweet young man! Today we looked at dresses!! As I sat and watched her try on each one... I was just amazed at God's goodness!
My handsome son who seems to grow taller by the day... what a fine young man he has become! He is strong and healthy and loves God and his boots! :) I'm just amazed at God's faithfulness!
My beautiful angel boy who waits for me in Heaven. I know he's having such a great time playing in God's big, big house! I'm just amazed at God's grace!
My wonderful husband who truly has stuck by my side for better or for worse... we have definitely had our share of hard times but in the end... we love each other more today than 25 years ago when we were young & foolish! I'm amazed at God's love!
My family who has helped me more times than I can count! For praying for me, loving me & loving God with me! Thank you mom & dad for the wonderful examples that you were & for showing me what it means to love deeply until death do us part! I'm so amazed at God's mercy & grace that He would give me you as my family!!
My dear, dear friends that God has brought into my life... for each season of my life! They too have seen me through some rough roads but their words of encouragement have helped me take each new step... I'm forever grateful for God's kindness!
Mostly though... I'm thankful for the love of Christ who accepts me as I am and loves me too much to leave me that way! He loves me so much that He gave His life for me... to show me that He is my biggest fan and will keep cheering me on until the day I see Him face to face!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

simply amazed...

2011-09-16T07:45:00.001-05:00

"Lord, I'm amazed by You..." is running through my head this morning. I'm just simply amazed at the obvious Hand of God on my life this week...

1) I pretty much walked into a new job without even realizing it. Amazing!
2) I thought I was going to be an assistant table leader and ended up being the leader (while taking a Leadership class at school and participating in Leadership breakfasts... I think He wants me to be a Leader!)... Amazing!
3) He sat me at a table of women where one woman is walking through the grief of loosing a child... Amazing! I wept last night at His Great Love for us.
4) He gives me a new Beth Moore study which currently is reminding me of how God provides for His people in some pretty amazing and astounding ways... and then shows me with personal examples. Amazing!
5) How I started school with one goal in mind and He has redirected my steps to follow His plan for my life... even though I'm not really sure what that will look like in 2 years... but I know He does and He is definitely leading & guiding me!
6) How He allowed me a moment to hug a woman walking the path of "overwhelmed" like I was last year and I could truly say I understood how she felt!
7) I'm just amazed at how He shows me on a daily basis... how much He loves me.

Amazing!

lions and tigers...

2011-09-03T08:53:00.001-05:00

This morning, in the early morning hours, I had a dream. Three times. Each time was a continuation and progression of the last. I haven't had anything like that happen and I especially haven't had a dream in a long time that I remembered and saw this clearly. I feel like I'm supposed to write this out here... hopefully I can make this entry shorter than what I wrote in my journal when I first woke up! :)

The first dream, I was inside a room of a cabin-like structure. I went to the door and looked out to see a white tiger coming towards my door. I closed the door but it was just a little half door and the latch was a hook. As I did this, the tiger put its paw on top of the door. I woke up but didn't really feel afraid. The words white siberian tiger came to me and I went back to sleep.

The second dream I was in this same room but this time I was leaning outside and looking out below me to all these kids and trees. I was telling the kids to use the front doors of their cabins and not to play in the back because of the tiger. They heard the word tiger and screamed and started running. Of course with all the commotion, the tiger chased some of the kids away and started to come towards my door. This time I closed a more normal looking door and there was an inside door that I closed and tried to lock. I woke up to hear the scripture, "the devil is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour" and then I went back to sleep.

The third time I was outside the cabin and I was walking up steps to a side door. When I reached the door I saw it was covered in spider webs, the thick, strong type. Ew. I asked the person behind me to get me a stick or a board so I could knock them down and we could go inside. With that, I heard the tiger jump on the deck. I looked up and saw the tiger on the deck up above me and in the same instant, we saw each other. With that, he jumped down through the deck at me. It was like he was going for my neck. I pressed my head to my shoulder and pinned his head to the ground. I didn't feel like he made contact but I had him pinned. With that I woke up... and my head was bent tightly to my shoulder.

When I woke up I felt I should come out and write the dreams out. I got up and put my glasses on and started toward the door but then went and laid back down. But I kept feeling like I should get up.

As I was typing away... I looked up the tiger. White Siberian tigers are very rare and very powerful. They're quiet and able to sneak up on their prey. I learned the attack the nerve at the spinal cord so the prey has a painless death.

The scripture is found in 1 Peter 5:8 but when I looked it up in my Bible, I wrote out the verses around that. Verses 7-9 say:

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are."

What I got from all of this is that as we focus on our worries and our cares... it keeps us open and vulnerable to the attack of the enemy. When we turn them over to God, we are better able to stand firm against him by staying strong in our faith. We trust and rely on God and He is our protection. In my third dream, the deck covered me but somehow there was an opening that he could break through.

I feel like this is a prompting... to draw even closer to the Lord... to remember to turn all my worries and cares over to Him so that I can stay strong in my faith and not waver. Every morning I wake up with a song going through my head. This was the song this morning after the third dream (hopefully the link works):

Closer by Shawn McDonald

thanks...

2011-08-14T09:36:00.003-05:00

"Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim His greatness.

Let the whole world know what He has done."

(Psalm 105:1 NLT)

This morning I am giving thanks... 1) Because the verse at the end of the devotional I just read had this verse so it was God's voice to me telling me to share... and 2) because my heart is overflowing this morning with thankfulness and I just have to share!

Two of my dear friends from church blessed me with the wonderful experience of attending the Women of Faith conference here in Omaha over the last two days and... it was amazing! There are so many things that God spoke to my heart through the voices and stories of the wonderful ladies who spoke. As I sat and listened to their stories, their hearts, their voices... it was like sitting and having coffee with them... learning more about them... and seeing that their lives are like mine... broken. The difference I saw was they were using their broken life stories to share about how the grace and strength of God had picked them up, put those pieces together and "made something beautiful for His love to shine through."

So this is me... applying the verse God dropped in my heart this morning... giving thanks and proclaiming HIS greatness... He has taken my brokenness and He is putting all those little pieces together to make something beautiful for His Light to shine through!! He has brought healing to my hurting, rejected, broken heart and is making me NEW!! He is using those hard places in life to make me stronger and to help me lean on and rely on Him... a little more than I did yesterday!

God is GREAT and He has touched my heart!!

morning revelations...

2011-08-04T09:05:00.005-05:00

So much to share this morning... I apologize in advance for the length of this post! :)

I woke up this morning with thoughts of a conversation I need to have and the fears that were rolling around in my head about dealing with a situation (well... a few different conversations & situations). I have been playing the "what if" game... what if they get mad.... what if they reject me... what if we're not friends any more... what if I'm backed into a corner and I can't find my way out... what if... I can feel in my spirit I need to have these conversations and yet... I've been afraid and not sure how to deal with these fears. So I got up and went for a walk since I knew I wasn't going to be going back to sleep.

As I was walking I heard God speak to my heart... "You can play the "what if" game for the rest of your life and remain in bondage or you can take this step and be obedient and begin walking in freedom." It was a pretty powerful moment... I've missed my morning walks! :)

And then... when I got home I picked up the Made to Crave book to work on the reflection questions. Immediately when I did I felt like I was supposed to re-read the chapter I read a few days ago. I have been feeling frustrated that the scale sure doesn't seem to be moving in the downward direction very fast. Last night though God helped me see the gradual progress is still progress. Anyway... When I went to the chapter to re-read it I found this title.. "I'm Not Defined by the Numbers"... and I chuckled at God. His timing is just so... perfect. It made me smile.

There was so much that spoke to my heart in this chapter... I'll refrain from sharing everything but... this part was just powerful to me:

God's divine power has given us everything we need to experience victory in our struggles.
We are to reflect a divine nature - a secure identity in Christ - which helps us escape the corruption of the world and avoid evil [sinful] desires.
It is through biblical promises that we find the courage to deny unhealthy desires.
Getting healthy is not just about having faith, goodness, and knowledge. We have to add to that foundation by choosing to be self-controlled and choosing to persevere even when the journey gets really hard.
These qualities keep us from being ineffective and unproductive in our pursuit of healthy eating and, even more importantly, in our pursuit of growing closer to God.
If we make the choice to be Jesus girls who offer our willingness to exercise self-control and perseverance to the glory of God, we can lose weight, get healthy, and walk in confidence that it is possible to escape the cycle of losing and gaining back again. We can be victorious. We can step on the scale and except the numbers for what they are - an indication of how much our body weighs - and not an indication of our worth.

But then... there was just a little bit more! She writes:

"My classmate's inadvertent statement was not life and it was not godly. Therefore, I didn't have to internalize it. I could leave it on the gym floor and walk away. That statement didn't belong to me. That statement wasn't my issue. I had a choice to make. I could feed that comment and let it grow into an identity crusher; or I could see it for what it was, a careless comment."

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)

"We can literally say to a comment or a thought that presents itself to us, "Are you true? Are you beneficial? Are you necessary?" And if the answer is no, then we don't open the door of our heart. We make the choice to walk away from the comment and all the negative thoughts it could harvest if we let it in."

I've heard and read this scripture many times but this morning... these words just jumped at me. I have been asking God how I can stop reacting to things out of the scars of the past... how do I respond in a way that displays growth and letting go of the past? And this morning... He gave me the answers through Truth that spoke deeply to my heart.

The things I encountered in my past... the words that were spoken to my little girl heart... they weren't words of life and they weren't godly... those words weren't true then and they aren't true now. They were careless comments made from people where were insecure. Those words... those situations are not beneficial... they weren't then and they certainly aren't now! I hereby make the choice to leave them on the "gym floor" and walk away! No longer will those words and their actions hold me in bondage!

Wow... Thanks God!! :)

letting go...

2011-07-27T21:44:00.006-05:00

Saturday, a friend & I were chatting over coffee. I had been sharing how angry I was over a situation that had arisen in class last week. I was angry about an assignment we had to do and in essence I felt like I was having to defend my faith and I felt like the instructor was making GOD look bad. My sister felt my anger stemmed from when I was a child and an attempt to witness to a couple of friends went bad. All this anger & defensiveness rose up in me as an adult that I wasn't able to express as a child. My friend very gently told me that I should let go...

Tuesday I saw a counselor and talked about this whole situation and she explained to me about how our minds imagine situations which may or may not happen and it's as if we are prepared to react before those situations arise....

So basically... I was holding onto a lie... a lie that I needed to defend GOD who doesn't need defending... a lie that I would be attacked again like I was when I was little... a lie that I would be backed into a corner, unable to get out. None of those things happened but my mind and body were prepared for the attack... to the point where I physically ached for a couple of days afterwards.

This scripture has been going through my head since then:

"The poor, deluded fool feeds on ashes. He trusts something that can't help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask, "Is this idol that I'm holding in my hand a lie?" (Isaiah 44:20)

Today as I was waiting for class to begin I read this from a devotional:

I have a Great Work to Do

(Overcoming being offended)

"Sanballat & Geshen sent to me, saying, 'Come, let us meet together... in the plain of Ono.' But they thought to do me harm. So I sent messengers to them; saying, 'I am doing a great work so that I should not come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?'" (Neh. 6:2-3)

"Our adversary is constantly inviting us to meet with him in the valleys of "Ono". One of the things he want to talk with us about is how we are justified in being offended by the actions of others. Being offended meant that we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. All of us will experience things like these. It is important, however, to realize that the mistreatment itself does not cause the offense; but we choose to be offended when we place more value on protecting ourselves than for the call we have and the assignment we have been given."

"...being easily offended causes a "going down" from the high place of God."

"Do you sense God has given you a great assignment to devote yourself to? If you don't, you will be tempted to go to the valley of Ono to dwell on offense rather than on God's vision for your life."

Choosing to be offended... means choosing to hold onto the lie. It's protecting myself against what "might" happen (which is a lie) rather than focusing on the call God has placed on my life (the Truth).

I read a little more of this story in Nehemiah and after several attempts of trying to get Nehemiah to come down to them ... to the point of threatening him even... he replied with, "There is no truth in any part of your story. You are making up the whole thing."

I don't want to hold onto the offenses of the past any longer. I don't want to listen to the lies the enemy whispers in my ears in the valley of Ono any longer. There is no truth in what the enemy says to me! I want to instead focus on the Truth of God's Word and listen to the Words He whispers to me... don't be afraid... I'm right here with you. I will protect you. There's no need to be offended because I will deal with them in My time. Keep your eyes focused on me and do the work I have called you to.

So here I am... letting go of the anger... the fear... the offenses of the past and I turn my eyes toward You Lord and the "Great Work" You have set before me.

great reminder...

2011-07-23T11:52:00.002-05:00

wow... this just made my day!

First... "Even in our weaknesses, the Father delights in giving grace (divine enablement), so we can experience the abundant life."

Then:

I don't have to be perfect

(overcoming chronic unworthiness)

"The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember that...

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Joseph was abused

Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah & Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

Peter denied Christ (3 times!)

The disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

The Samaritan woman was divorced (more than once)

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer...

AND... Lazarus was dead!

A poor background [or bad choices] does not disqualify us from a great future or to be used of God powerfully. Everything can change today. Obviously we want to move out of dysfunctional behavior, but praise God, we rejoice in knowing there is hope for all!"

~ taken from Victorious Mindsets by Steve Backlund

Praise God there is Hope for me yet!! I'm so thankful for His love and grace and the fact that His mercies are NEW EVERY morning!!

one of "those" days....

2011-07-22T21:41:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up with a killer headache and was so sore and stiff. Not a good way to start the day. I had class at 9:00 and I think that was part of the problem... I went to bed a little cranky about the assignment that was due today. Basically I was feeling like I was going to have to defend my beliefs and faith in God. First, I'm not a fan of debating how I feel with someone and second... it would be with other people around. I think inside my spirit was stressed and that was the reason behind waking up the way I did. Well... it set me in kind of a cranky mood from the beginning... not a good way to start the day... unfortunately the headache and soreness stuck with me throughout the day.

When I went into work the headache was still lingering and one of the managers could tell something was up by the look on my face. She told me I could leave early so I was thankful when the time came that I could leave.

Now here's the deal... when I was on my way home I had the urge to get some ice cream. It seems to be my current "feel better" treat. I've been asking God to help me with my food issues... to show me when I'm about to cave in "I'm made for more" ... and to make me aware of my triggers. As I was on my way up the hill to McD's to get some ice cream I heard His whisper say, "You were made for more." Just like Lysa had talked about in MTC (Made to Crave). And as I was turning the corner I responded in my heart, "... but I really just want some ice cream and some down time." After I went through the drive-thru I sat in the parking lot and began to eat my ice cream. I pulled out a little devotional book I have in my purse and... it's just like God to do this... my book-marked spot opened to this:

There is a Way

(Overcoming hopelessness and mediocrity)

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape...." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I was convicted as I read these words.

The devotional went on to talk about how "God has a way to get you from disaster into the blessing of His will.... there is also a way to get out of the temptation to stay mediocre or average in life or ministry."

I realized as I was reading this that I had disregarded the whisper of the Holy Spirit... I had disregarded the way of escape He had provided for me... I had chosen instead to stay in mediocrity... I had blatantly chosen to what I desired over choosing to walk in victory.

As I sat and pondered on these words and on my actions... I realized I had pacified my pent up anger and frustrations of the day with ice cream rather than seeking Him first. I had chosen to get the ice cream first. Maybe if I would have listened to His voice and seen the way of escape ahead of time... if I would have chosen to read the devotional BEFORE getting the ice cream... I could have stepped beyond mediocre and average into the blessing of victory.

I repented... and was truly sorry for not listening to His voice. He paralleled it with when I tell my thoughts to one of my kids and they choose to do what they want instead... I feel disappointed. I knew that I had disappointed my Father... but then... I felt His love and grace. Just like I still love my kids even when they don't listen... I knew in that moment He still loves me.

Once again.... Lord, please forgive me for giving into my flesh and choosing the mediocre way instead of the better way. Please forgive me for not taking Your way of escape. Thank You for loving me and for Your gentle discipline. May I remember this the next time I hear You whisper... "you are made for more" and may I willingly choose Your way of escape instead of my own selfish way.

EMPOWERED...

2011-06-02T12:35:00.002-05:00

Just a little something He has planted in my heart today...

Ephesians 3:16: I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His [Holy] Spirit.

I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to make wise choices.
I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to walk through the hard places in life.
I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to do what He has called me to do.
I am empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit... to break free of all that has held me back!

From His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower me with inner strength through His Holy Spirit!

I AM empowered with inner strength through His Holy Spirit!

let go...

2011-06-01T10:00:00.002-05:00

My paraphrase of a great quote I heard this morning:

Let go of the anxiety and stress of trying to figure things out... choose instead to focus on what is in front of you right now... give it to God and see how He will work things out.

So many times I get worked up... anxious and stressed out... trying to figure things out and answer all the "what if" and "what happens when" questions that run through my head. When I heard these words this morning... "let go" it just brought such freedom and peace to my heart.

This morning... for this moment in time... I let go of all anxiety & stress. I have NO fear or anxiety because I trust in the LORD with ALL of my heart! I will trust Him to work out every detail... every concern... every thing... because I know that He will work everything out for my good and His glory. He has a plan. All I have to do is let go and follow in His footsteps.

Thanks God for this great reminder!

trust...

2011-05-27T09:41:00.003-05:00

I have been doing Beth Moore's study Breaking Free and God has been speaking to my heart.

I have trust issues. I have a hard time trusting people because of the things that happened to me as a child. I have a hard time trusting God because I have been afraid of what will happen if I do what He tells me. If I obey... it seems the enemy attacks. If I do what He tells me... it seems like something goes wrong and I find I have to trust Him more. How can I trust more when my trust level is already thin? And yet... to not obey... to not listen... that has even harsher consequences. So instead... I tend to do nothing. Cowering in my fear and questioning myself. I go 'round and 'round with the questions! Maybe I didn't hear right... maybe I did something wrong.... was I wrong? was I selfish? did I just THINK I heard God tell me that? why did I fail? why did it hurt so bad if I did what I thought God wanted me to do?

I don't want to continue being afraid!! I don't want to continue having trust issues! I WANT to trust Him more! I want to SEE His blessing and His hand of protection. I want to learn to trust Him more. "Oh for grace... to trust Him more."

The study this morning took me to Isaiah 51 and these verses spoke to me:

vs 7 & 8: "Listen to me, you who know right from wrong, you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people's scorn, nor fear their insults. For the moth will devour them as it devours clothing. The worm will eat at them as it eats wool. But my righteousness will last forever. My salvation will continue from generation to generation.

vs 12-16: I, yes I, am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the LORD, your Creator, the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies? Where is their fury and anger now? It is gone!! Soon all you captives will be released!! Imprisonment, starvation, and death will NOT be your fate! For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the LORD of Heaven's Armies. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand. I stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. I am the one who says to [you, Bonnelle] 'You are my [daughter]'!!

I believe Christ is setting me FREE from my captivity!! I believe He is the LORD of Heaven's Armies! I believe He stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth! I believe I have hid His word in my heart! I believe!! I will no longer remain in constant fear and dread of human oppressors! I will no longer continue to fear the anger of the enemy! I believe the LORD has put His words in my mouth and I am hidden safely in His hand! I am His daughter and He WILL protect me!

I will TRUST in the LORD my God, the Creator of the Universe & the LORD of Heaven's Armies!

so strange...

2011-05-16T23:51:00.003-05:00

This place God has me in... I can't really explain it.

It's just a place of waiting... listening... a place where silent tears fall...

A place of just deepening my faith and trust in Him and the fact that... He is right here with me.

I struggle in this place because... I want answers... I long for the direction I seek... I long to KNOW what the next step is.

And yet... He whispers to me... wait.

Everywhere I turn there are little messages... don't give up... keep pressing forward... don't look back.

And yet I question...

Is it selfish of me to take my family into debt in order to pursue a dream... this call I feel that God has for me to fulfill?

I long... to be His hands and feet.

I long... to speak life into the hurting and broken.

I long... to comfort those in need of comforting.

I long... to share with others what God has done for me.

But where? How? With whom?

Lord, shine a light on the path YOU want me to take. Show me the right direction. Show me how to get there from here.

Forgive me for my doubts & fears. I know You're working on them. Please, help my unbelief.

"Twelve audacious faith confessions" from Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still:

1. I AM fully forgiven and FREE from ALL shame and condemnation.

2. I act in audacious faith to change the world in my generation.

3. I have NO fear or anxiety; I trust in the LORD with ALL my heart.

4. I AM able to fulfill the calling GOD has placed on my life.

5. I AM fully resourced to do everything GOD has called me to do.

6. I have NO insecurity, because I see myself the way GOD sees me.

7. I AM a faithful spouse and a godly mother - our family is blessed.

8. I AM completely whole - physically, mentally and emotionally.

9. I AM increasing in influence and favor for the kingdom of GOD.

10. I AM enabled to walk in the sacrificial love of Christ.

11. I have the wisdom of the LORD concerning EVERY decision I make.

12. I AM protected from all harm and evil in Jesus' Name!

He IS faithful and I WILL trust in the LORD! I will trust and not be afraid.

I will wait, yes, my soul will wait... patiently on the LORD.

the road I'm on...

2011-05-10T11:57:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day weekend... it always is a challenging one for our family. May 5th is the anniversary date of when our youngest son Gerad went Home to be with Jesus... thirteen years ago... Sometimes it's hard to believe it's been that many years. The funeral was the day before Mother's Day of that year so as Josiah rightly stated last week... the 5th through the 9th are always hard days. We remember... we don't ever seem to say much those days but we remember.

This year... I'm having to process the detour in the road that God has me on. I didn't pass one of the classes for my program so that means I have to sit out until I can retake it in January. My fellow class-mates are moving on ahead of me. I'm not sure what God wants me to do. Do I take a leave of absence from school to pursue a certificate from another school? Do I take the bachelor's classes from my current college and graduate a year later than I anticipated with 2 degrees instead of one? Or... do I abandon this dream altogether and just go back to work full-time? I don't feel like I'm supposed to give up my dream of working in Physical Therapy but at the same time... there are bills to be paid.

Be still....

God keeps telling me to Be still. To just rest. To let Him heal the brokenness in my heart. To take the time to just sit at His feet and... rest. I'm finding this is new territory for me. I think that's the point. To just wait on Him. To work through this Bible study He has me in at the moment - Breaking Free by Beth Moore. To allow Him access to the dead, closed off areas of my heart... the wounded places. To allow Him to fix the places that I have worked so hard at trying to fix on my own. To just rest... in His arms.

This year as I was moving into the 5th of May I felt God nudging me to read a couple of books that up to this point I had thought would be too hard to read. First, I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo and then... on our trip down to Arkansas for my daughter's graduation from college I read Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. Both books touched my heart in different ways. For me, Heaven is for Real was... in some ways... like having Gerad tell me what Heaven is like. It was comforting to be reminded of the fact that Gerad is safe in His arms. And Mary Beth's book... was a comforting reminder that I need to choose to SEE... that God has a plan and purpose for everything He brings into our lives... even the hard things that break our hearts and make us cry.

God is so good and for now... I will REST.

school...

2011-04-25T23:09:00.002-05:00

Several friends have strongly urged me to write again. I know it helps me process but sometimes I feel I get too wordy here. But because I am attempting to obey the Lord... please bear with me as I write out my processing thoughts. :)

So many things have happened with school in the last week. I could focus this post on the "negative" but tonight since it's my first night to write about it... I want to focus on the "positive"... on the 15 gifts called my fellow classmates.

There are 8 males and 7 females that entered my life last August and to many of them I have become "mom". I love how we have adopted each other. One of the male students is like a brother to me. Another one has this great voice and he has charm that makes me smile every time. Another is a cute little Asian guy that probably if I would have been able to adopt... would have been one I would have taken in. The girls... are like my daughters. I worry when they don't show up for class and I know it's because they were foolish the night before. They love my hugs when their hearts are hurting. And sometimes... I get to step inside their world and just... listen. This mix of people have been my brothers, my kids, and my friends for the last 8 months... and I love them dearly.

One time when I was having coffee with a friend she shined a light bulb on something that came back to me tonight as I was thinking about all of them. "What a neat thing that God would bring you so many 'kids'... sons to fill the gap of the one you lost and daughters to give you hugs when you're missing your own." They have been a gift given to me from the Lord and for that... I am truly thankful.

They are moving on ahead of me and I am missing them already. It's so hard watching your kids grow up and move on in life and now I feel like my adopted kids are moving on too. While part of me is sad and shedding tears... I know that just as it is for my real children, God has great plans for my adopted kids as well and hopefully... someday... we will see each other once again.

morning thoughts....

2011-04-05T08:58:00.003-05:00

In my home... everything is not put away, the floor needs to be scrubbed and daily... there are dishes to be done. Since I'm gone with school so much, things tend to slide at home but I know in 5 weeks I will begin to clean like I haven't cleaned in a long while.

In the meantime... I find that cleaning up the kitchen gives me a sense of accomplishment. Or baking a batch of cookies for someone... or a batch of bread for my guys. These are things I do well. These are things where... I know my efforts are seen and appreciated.

However, as I look around... I see there is still so much that I need to do... but it has to wait until the semester is over.

At school... I study... hard. I spend hours studying for a test... that I barely pass and I walk away feeling like I don't know much at all. There are times I walk out of a test and feel like... is it really worth it?

As I was doing dishes this morning (putting off heading to school)... I realized I was hiding in the safety of my home. I was staying where things are safe and comfortable. I was staying where I know no matter what I get done... it's appreciated. However, out there... in the real world... at school... things are hard and at times I don't want to go and at times... I feel defeated.

What God showed me this morning was in the safety of my home... I affect my family even in small ways and that's important. At school... out in the real world... I am affecting others... even in small ways and that's important too. In home and in life.. I may not always get it right and I might not be the perfect student or home maker but... in the little things... I am touching people's lives and THAT's what God has called me to.

the growing up...

2011-03-10T21:36:00.004-06:00

This process of watching your children grow up is such a mixture of joy and tears. You go through the birthing process to bring forth this innocent little life. Gradually you teach them all the little things... like sitting up and eating on their own... taking their first steps and then comes the day you put them on the bus for the first time. Through each passing year until finally comes... the day of graduation, when they embark on the beginning of grown-up life. As they begin to make more and more decisions on their own... there is a tearing away that takes place... Suddenly they're out of your hands and standing on their own.

Lately I have been missing my mom. I wish I would have known that she cried on the way home from dropping me off at college. I wish I could tell her that I appreciate all the little things she did for me. I wish I could tell her one more time that I love her. And I find myself wishing... I would have asked a few more questions and taken the time to listen.

As my children are growing up and leaving the nest... I know it's time to let go and let them make their own lives but at the same time... I wish I could have back the days of when they were little and needed me to kiss away the hurts or a trip to McD's for an ice cream cone and talk-time.

All of life is a series of various challenges... it's what builds character right? Hopefully when I come to the end of this life... my character will be shining like gold!

Life...

2011-02-26T18:58:00.004-06:00

I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time... partly because of school and being really busy but also... partly because I believed the lie that told me my words don't really matter. I tend to use this place... this "private" little place to bear my heart... to share things I don't normally talk about... to blab about things that are going on in my heart and my head. However, I think to a certain extent... not writing has caused me to lock up my heart.

I woke up feeling every bit the failure this morning. I had started the month of February determined to do a cleanse for my body in the midst of doing two different Bible studies, one on the fruit of the Spirit and one from the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. I wanted to find the reasons behind why I eat the way I do, the feelings that drive me to eat as well as to get healthy and lose weight. I did really well for the first couple of weeks and felt it was really easy to stick to but then... I started to slide back into my old habits. To me, it is a parallel to school. I started the semester ready to be focused and in the beginning it seemed really easy and I was on track with studying and then... I started to slide. Why can't things in life just be easy? A dear friend told me the other night that this process wasn't going to be easy and I realized... it wouldn't be a challenge if it was easy... it wouldn't bring growth if it was easy... and it wouldn't bear fruit in my life if it was easy.

As I was feeling like a failure this morning, a failure for sliding off the healthy wagon... a failure for struggling on my tests... a failure for not trusting God in EVERY area of my life and the lives of my family... I heard God speak to my heart, "Be strong and courageous and do the work."

While I was having my quiet time in this little corner of Panera, He brought me back to those words so I have been sitting quietly... listening. I hear two things... the voice of my Heavenly Father telling me (in a firm, Fatherly voice) not to whine and complain about how hard it may seem... to stick with it... to do the work that is required. But I also hear the gentle whisper of His voice telling me to be strong and courageous... to not be afraid because He is right here with me.

1 Chronicles 28:20

David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.

Oh for the grace... to trust You more.

I'm not really sure why I wrote all of this... maybe it was just necessary to begin again. I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog any more and if not... that's okay. I'm just thankful for a place where I can "voice" the thoughts that roll around on the inside of my head.

Thanks for "listening".

From a Mother's heart....

2010-12-02T09:57:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I wonder...

What you would look like

if you were still here with us today?

What would you be interested in?

Would you have lots of friends?

or would your brother & sister still be your

best friends?

You would be a senior this year...

and driving.

Would you be looking at colleges?

or would you be wanting to stay close

to home for one more year?

Would you be as tall as your brother?

or somewhere in between?

Would you still like kitty's?

But then I wonder....

What's heaven really like?

Do you play all day?

or do you just sit at the feet of Jesus?

Do the angels really sing forever?

Is it as beautiful as we imagine?

Do you miss us as much as we miss you?

I still love you

and miss your little hand in mine.

Even though I know you would be big now

I miss the sound of your voice

and the kisses you used to give me.

I miss the flowers you would bring me.

but mostly... I just miss you.

Say hello to Jesus for me.

And I hope you know that...

I will always

love you.

What a concept...

2010-10-19T21:59:00.004-05:00

So... I haven't blogged for a long time. School has kind of taken over my life and it seems all I do now is study, study, study! (Even more so than what I thought possible!) And yet... it doesn't seem like enough at times.

In the midst of all my studying, GOD has been working on my heart... chipping away at a life-time of insecurity issues that have dug deep grooves into my heart and mind. To touch very briefly on a much longer story... when I was a little girl I was deeply impacted by the hands and words of bullies and no one knew.... no one that is, except my Heavenly Father.

This past week while I was on fall "break" (I had to study for 3 mid-terms in the midst of my time "off) the Lord dug deep into my heart and ministered to the wounds of my little girl heart. In the end He told me that I had passed the test during that time... and during every hard time I have encountered since. I had one question... well, two questions at the end of that powerful time and that was... "Why didn't You stop it? Why did You allow it to happen in the first place?" At the time, He showed me that He did stop it. He caused my enemies to stumble and fall away. HE was the one who brought the torment to an end! However, in my heart though, I still wondered why the tests in my life.... both the ones I have encountered in the past as well as those I am currently taking at school.... I wondered why the enemy attacked so hard when I was little. Why are tests always so hard??? Tonight... I believe GOD spoke to my heart the answer in the form of a devotional I received through the Proverbs 31 ministries:

"Confident in Job, God allowed the testing."

When I read that little sentence I heard instead, "Confident in Bonnelle, God allowed the testing." It was just amazing to me as the realization washed over me that GOD... the Maker of the Universe... the LORD of Heaven's Armies.... is confident and believes in little 'ole me!! Now I am sure I've heard this at some point before but for some reason tonight... it just had a powerful impact on me. HE believes in me and that's why He allowed the testing... the testing at the hand of bullies... the testing of a little girl left alone... the testing of a mom who lost her son... the testing of Leukemia, job loss and the loss of both my parents... the testing of heartbreak and wrong doing... the testing of taking some of the hardest classes I have ever encountered!! HE believes in me!!

God had confidence in the fact that Job would come out on top. God knew that Job wouldn't turn his back on Him when the going got rough. Oh Job struggled and didn't always see God in the midst of his trial and at times... Job wanted to give up and lay down and die! In the end though Job knew that GOD was GOD and that He had the power and the authority to give and take away and who was he to question His Sovereignty?!

There have been many times where I wanted to give up. Times where I didn't understand or see God in the midst of my test. Times where I felt like I was all alone. Times where I couldn't hear His voice. And yet... my heart clings to the hope that He is still there... holding onto me while I am trying to hold onto HIM.

What an awesome concept... GOD is confident in ME!

healing...

2010-10-10T17:54:00.003-05:00

You were only a little girl when events happened which shaped and scarred your life...

I'm sorry the enemy twisted his way in and made you feel abandoned and alone...

Please know... in the midst of it, whether you realize it or not... I was there with you... holding your hand and wiping the tears away.

Now you are an adult... with the scars of a little girls heart. Hold onto my hand and let me dry your tears once again as I walk you through the healing process. This time... you will be completely healed. This time... you will see how I can turn all things... even this... into a testimony which brings hope and healing to others.

sufficient..

2010-05-30T10:13:00.003-05:00

As I have been pondering on the question Jesus presented to blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10:51:

"What do you want me to do for you?"

As I hear Jesus asking me this same question, first, I start at the surface...

Please provide for us financially to pay for our bills, books, school, food... the things we need.

I hear Him reply with, "I will provide. Remember? I WILL take good care of you."

Then... I go a little deeper...

Please help me with school. Help me continue doing well for Your glory. Help me get through this program well so I can be Your hands and feet.

I hear Him say... "My grace is sufficient for you..."

Then... when I go deeper and really look at the heart of the matter I see my fear and yes... my unbelief.

Lord, I think really and truly... I want you to heal my heart and deliver me from my fear and my unbelief. My fear of bad things happening, my fear of not having enough, my fear of failure, my fear of rejection, my fear of not being enough or being good enough, and my fear of being left out in the cold... even by You. This prayer I read this morning puts it in a nutshell...

"Help me believe in Your sufficiency in every situation."

In any and all things... Help me believe in YOUR sufficiency. Help me to believe that You will ALWAYS provide and You will ALWAYS take good care of me. Help me believe... that Your grace is really all that I need.

Each time Jesus said,

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in [your] weakness."

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

this word....

2010-05-23T13:48:00.002-05:00

His words this morning brought such peace to my heart...

"I will never put you in danger... I will always take good care of you."

Yes... I cried.

I love how He reassures me that He watches over me and looks out for me. He will take care of me in any and every situation and He knows... what's best for me. I am learning to trust daily in His guidance and care.

Oh how I love Him so much!

No fear....

2010-04-16T09:15:00.003-05:00

I love reading through the stories of Joshua. I am always amazed at his courage and how he led the Isrealites into battle. This time through though... God has been showing me things. Before every battle, God told Joshua, "Do not be afraid!" He encouraged him to be "strong and courageous" just as many times. I began to realize that even though we're not told this... there must have been a little bit of fear in Joshua's heart. He didn't go by the courage God had given him in the last battle... each time He needed to hear those words again, "Do not be afraid of them... be strong and courageous."

Yesterday's portion of scripture really spoke to my heart. It's found in Joshua 11:4-8. A multitude of kings had banded together with all of their fighting men in the hope that they would conquer and put an end to Joshua and the Isrealites.

"All these kings came out to fight. Their combined armies formed a vast horde. And with all their horses and chariots, they covered the landscape like the sand on the seashore. The kings joined forces and established their camp around the water near Merom to fight against Israel. Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them. By this time tomorrow I will hand all of them over to Israel as dead men.... So Joshua and all his fighting men traveled to the water near Merom and attacked suddenly. And the LORD gave them victory over their enemies."

There are times when I walk into a new place for the first time and suddenly I feel overwhelmed. For example, when I walked into Wal-Mart when they were switching everything around and redoing the whole store... I was overwhelmed. Nothing was where it used to be and there were all these new colors and things were on the shelves differently even... it almost seemed too much at one time for my senses! Silly I know but yet... it happens sometimes. Or when I walk into a room full of people I don't know... there is this moment of panic that happens inside me. Or... when I suddenly have a multitude of assignments and papers to write and I don't know how to get it all done...

What stood out to me about this passage first was that there were a whole bunch of kings that had joined forces... their armies, horses and chariots covered the landscape like the sand on the seashore... that's a LOT! I think if it were me... I would feel a little scared and not so courageous! There would be a moment of panic as I would see all those men, horses and chariots! But the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid of them." He assured Joshua once again that they would win. So Joshua went to the heart of the operation... where all the kings had camped and set up their headquarters... and attacked suddenly! And the LORD gave them victory over their enemies!

When I was meditating on this passage this morning during my walk. The Lord compared it to school for me. I have a lot of work due next week and this has been a very busy week. There have been several times where I have felt and even said out loud, "I don't know how I will do it when I have a full-time school schedule again!" I only have two classes this quarter and I have felt overwhelmed again... many times through this school journey I have felt overwhelmed... a little panic mode sets in. But the LORD says, "Do not be afraid!! Be strong and courageous for I AM with you!" and I believe... the LORD will give me victory!

I have a hard time finishing things sometimes. There are books that I have started but not finished. There is a shower door I have started cleaning but not finished because it required more scrubbing than what I had time for one morning. School though... I really believe that God wants me to finish this journey He has started in me and I believe... He will give me victory! So He reminds me every so often... Do not be afraid, be strong and courageous for I AM with you!

She Speaks...

2010-03-23T14:54:00.003-05:00

My friend Lysa is having a contest for a scholarship to this year's She Speaks Conference. She and information about the contest can be found at: http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com.

Now... let me tell you about the time I attended a She Speaks Conference. I had longed to go ever since I first heard about the Proverbs 31 ministry and the ladies behind the ministry. I had at one time dreamed of maybe writing a book about the loss of our son or even just the trials we had gone through as a family. My wonderful Dad passed away a few years ago and when I found out each of us kids would be getting a small inheritance check, I prayed about what I should do with my share and immediately the words "She Speaks Conference" came to my mind. I presented this desire and the desire to get a laptop to my sister's and later to my husband. At first he agreed with the laptop idea and eventually he agreed that I should attend the conference as well. When I first arrived I was rather overwhelmed... there were so many wonderful women there and they all seemed far more accomplished than I was. At first, I wondered why God would have wanted me to come to this conference. As the conference progressed, however, God crossed my path with my wonderful friend Tammy at: http://www.tammynischan.blogspot.com/ and her story was similar to mine... she had lost a child and had another child walking through cancer. As we shared our stories and our tears a deep friendship grew and I suddenly realized why God had brought me to this conference. Finally, Renee Swope at http://www.reneeswope.blogspot.com/ spoke on the Shadow of the Cross. At the end of the message we were to write down our doubts and fears and take them to the cross. Once we released them we were supposed to pick up a card and take it back to our seats. As I sat down and read my new card... the word CHOSEN was written with the verse from 1 Peter 2:9 - "For you are a chosen (woman). You are a royal priest a holy (daughter). God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you out of the darkness into His wonderful light." The Lord began to speak to my heart about how HE had Chosen ME to not only come to this conference but to speak HIS words and to share my story with others. When I returned home after this amazing weekend I did two things.... I sat down and created this blog and then went and enrolled in an English class at our local community college.

I would LOVE to return to the She Speaks Conference this summer but since I'm not working full-time and I'm currently taking more college classes... the money is not available in our already stretched budget. The opportunity to win a scholarship has been presented and I would see it as a total miracle of God if I won!! Thus... this post is to enter the contest. If it would be the Lord's will that I would win and be able to attend... it would be for His Glory! I would love to develop this little blog into a platform where I can share God's word with other hurting mom's or weary wives or lonely daughters. I would love to be able share even more what God has done in my life and the lives of other women I know.

Lord, I give this desire to You.... I place it in Your Hands and allow You to determine the outcome. Even if I am not selected for this scholarship, I pray that You will deeply bless the women who do attend and may their lives be as deeply impacted as mine was!

AMEN!

it all begins with a lie...

2010-03-04T12:39:00.002-06:00

This morning I watched a tv program online and the Lord spoke to my heart through it. In the show, one of the main characters, a woman, was standing on the beach of an ocean. She had this voice that was telling her all kinds of lies and was encouraging her to end her life. As I saw her wavering, the Lord spoke to me, "She's believing a lie." She was trying to tell the voice that what he was saying wasn't true but he was being persistent. He kept telling her that she was worthless and that no one would really love her, that people didn't care about her. Suddenly in the distance a figure appeared... it was someone who loved her and he was looking for her. As she began saying out loud who he was and what they had meant to each other, she called out to him and he ran to her. As the man came running to her... the lying voice left her.

After the show ended and I shut it off, I heard the Lord speak to my heart, "It all begins with a lie." The enemy comes in and whispers to your heart. If you grab hold of the lie... soon it becomes the truth you believe. I went for a walk to hear what God was saying to me about the lies I have believed. He talked to me yesterday about setting me free from the fear and anxieties I have held onto over the years. So today, as I was putting on my shoes I asked Him where the lie came in that planted the seed of fear. Once again we went back in time to where I was a little girl. I was deeply hurt at a time where my zeal for the Lord was strong. I had wanted to share with my friends at school the good things that God had done in my heart the night before... and it turned ugly. I became afraid of them and what they would do next. More than anything, I became afraid to share with anyone else what God had done in my life... I became afraid to share anything really deep with anyone. The lie I believed was that if I shared my heart and my joy... if I shared my passion and my hope with others... I would get hurt. I would be ridiculed. I would be made fun of. So I became afraid. Afraid of sharing the deepest most personal part of me. My faith in Christ.

When I got back from my walk I stood in the sunshine for a little bit and just listened. I felt the warmth of His love as He told me not to be afraid, that He was here with me and He would never leave me or forsake me. He told me not everyone would respond that way and that there were people in my life that needed to hear about Him and what He has done in me. I told Him I was sorry for being afraid and for believing the lie. He showed me that those girls believed a lie too. They were afraid of the light that was shinning from me that morning. The enemy... was afraid of the Light that was shinning. The enemy wanted to silence me because he knew that if I shared the joy of my salvation, the joy of my heart, the love I had for Christ... there would be people who would believe. So he silenced me. For all these years.

As I came to sit down at my computer to write I was reminded of the verse that's at the top of this blog. God chose me. I am HIS daughter. I am HIS. As a result, I can show others the goodness of God... but not just show them by living my life before them. He wants me to TELL them... TELL them about His goodness and His grace... TELL them how He has set me free and rescued me... TELL them about His love... TELL them about the Truth that will set them free.

For GOD has said:

"I will never fail you.

I will never abandon you."

So we (I) can say with confidence,

"The LORD is my helper,

so I will have NO fear.

What can mere people do to me?"

Lord, please forgive me for being afraid all these years. Please forgive me for keeping you locked up tight in my heart. Please forgive me for not sharing your goodness with those around me. Your love is not just for me... it's for everyone around me. I ask now, Lord, that You would break the power of the lies and that You would release my tongue to boldly speak about You. Give me the right words so I can boldly speak and explain the Good News of what You have done in my life... It's not just for Christians to hear about but it's for the lost to hear about as well. Empower me to speak Your truth to those around me. In Your Name I ask... and believe it will be done. Amen.

returning to Him...

2010-02-09T23:47:00.004-06:00

Today's verses:

"If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve Me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! They will fight against you like an attacking army, but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze. They will not conquer you, for I am with you to protect and rescue you. I the Lord have spoken!" (Jeremiah 15:19-20)

I love when I'm in the midst of a Bible study or a sermon and the message takes me to a verse or a passage of scripture and I feel a little nudge from the Spirit to read further. That happened this morning. In a study I'm doing, the reference was actually verse 16 - "When I discovered Your words, I devoured them. They are my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear Your name, O Lord God of Heaven's Armies." I read that verse over several times and was pondering on the aspect of feasting on God's word when I felt that nudge from the Spirit. When He took me further in the chapter I was overwhelmed. I knew the Lord was speaking directly to me... piecing these verses together...

The Lord has been drawing me to His Word lately in a way in which I can not really describe. It's a good thing... a necessary thing. This morning... it was as if I couldn't get enough of the Word and I wanted to hear all that He was speaking to me. Even now... as I look at each verse there is so much.

"If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me." I haven't strayed away from the Lord like I once did in the past but I have let other things crowd my vision... I have become distracted by the daily things, busyness, food, errands, answering emails... you name it. What I felt the Lord saying to me though as I was feeling the "devouring of His Words" was, that if I invest the time to return to Him... to have His Word fill up my time... as I listen to His voice and His leading... He will restore my life, my heart and my mind to serve Him more fully.

"If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman." I hung my head... how many times have I spoken worthless words? How many times have I joined in on a discussion about someone? How many times have I spoken words that tore down rather than built up? I long to be His spokesman! I long to speak good words... HIS words... to the people He has in my life. "You must influence them; do not let them influence you!" I felt the Lord saying to me... don't join in with people when they're talking about others. Don't let them influence your judgement or your perspective... YOU influence them! When they speak badly... speak good words. Words that lift up the conversation.

"They will fight against you like an attacking army, but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze. They will not conquer you, for I am with you to protect and rescue you. I the Lord have spoken!" It is challenging to go against the crowd... It is challenging to do or say something I believe the Lord is calling me to do or say. The enemy fights against us like an attacking army... but look... His word says He will make me as secure as a fortified wall of BRONZE! They will NOT conquer me for He IS with me and will protect and rescue me! Isn't that so... awesome!!

Here it is for you... I have struggled with my weight for YEARS! The up and down cycle of the scale... it's so frustrating. I have been really seeking God on it lately because I really believe there are reasons behind why I eat too much. I know some is a feeling of comfort, some is boredom, some is feeling like I deserve a reward after studying or doing something hard. He has been talking to me for several weeks on how in many ways... food has become an idol to me. I was seeking my comfort and reward in food... something that doesn't satisfy. He has been encouraging me to come and feast on His Word FIRST before I go for food... What He has been showing me has been.... so.... good. Already I feel... as I have been returning my focus to Him... He is restoring my soul, my heart, my mind, my body so I can continue to serve Him in a much deeper way. As I devour His Words... good words rather than worthless ones... will flow out of my mouth and I will be His spokesman. As I feast on His Words.... I will be an influencer... rather than being influenced by those around me. As I sit before Him daily... taking in His Words and listening to His voice... He will make me strong and will protect and rescue me from the attacking army!! The Lord has spoken!!

Lord, I long to be satisfied in You. Please forgive me for getting distracted, for letting my focus be on the temporary rather than on YOU... Forgive me for being influenced by the world, by food, by people around me. Forgive me for speaking worthless words. Father I give myself to You once again... Restore my soul. Restore my heart, mind and body for YOUR glory. As I seek to devour Your words... may Your words be the words that I speak. Thank You for being my help, my protector and my rescuer. My whole being longs to follow hard after you and to cling closely to you! Be my guide. Show me Your ways. Let Your words flow out of my mouth.

Amen.

favorite verse this week...

2010-01-29T11:13:00.002-06:00

Tuesday I was doing some praying and searching... later while reading my friend Kathy's blog she pointed me to this verse and the Lord spoke volumes to me:

"It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat (or anxiously trying to get everything done); for God gives REST to His loved ones." Psalm 127:2

The Lord showed me that's what I had been doing. I was staying up REALLY late and then getting up super early in the morning trying to get all my homework done, trying to wrap my brain around all the concepts, trying to do everything well. All the while I felt like I wasn't understanding and the more I tried, the more I felt like I was drowning.

This week after dropping my Algebra class (and later struggling with that decision) God has had me resting physically but also coming to a point of resting in HIM. God has called me to the process of school and learning... but I am not alone in the process. I think I took on school and felt I had to conquer it all... like my grades and everything rode on me and my performance. The thing is... It's God calling... so He wants to be the one to conquer and bring victory... so I don't get the glory but He alone gets the Glory. Now I know that doesn't mean I sit back and do nothing at all but at the same time I have come to realize that it also doesn't mean I let it consume me!

He loves me... He has called me... He has chosen me.... He watches over my path and He will lead and guide me each step. My part? Is to listen to His voice and follow His leading.

Lord, forgive me for forgetting to REST in You.

bits...

2010-01-27T08:33:00.005-06:00

When I write I tend to ramble... Here's a comment I left on my friend Renee's blog this morning:

I have a long story but I'll try to give you bits here... It started 11 years ago when I came to a conference and God spoke into my heart Jeremiah 29:11-14 too. I knew He had plans and purposes for my life and I knew it involved leaving where we were and moving to a different state. 6 weeks later my son died. God kept reminding me over and over of those verses and that He had a plan. My marriage almost failed but we moved a year later...

A year ago God planted in my heart to leave my job of nine years and go back to school. (At least I'm still praying that it was God. He's been opening doors so I'm still trusting Him.) This week I failed my 3rd Algebra test so I dropped the class. I was afraid of failing and having it pull down my grades and ruin my chances of getting into the next school. Today... I wonder if I did the right thing or if I should have plugged through it anyway.

My doubts are fueled by fear. As I asked the Lord this morning to speak to my heart through His word to reveal what's going on... my reading this morning was about Moses. God called him... he was afraid and argued with God. Moses' doubts were fueled by fear.

As I'm looking at my heart and issues I have with intimacy and communication I'm seeing... doubt and fear as being behind everything. I'm so afraid of not saying the right words that I don't say anything at all. I doubt my words will matter. I'm so afraid of being hurt or abandoned that I don't go deep in relationships. I doubt people will love me and stick with me.

As you may know if you've been reading the last few posts... I have been struggling with some things. Words have been spoken to me that have really caused me to think, ponder and this morning... go to God for answers. As I sat asking Him what I was supposed to do I opened my Bible first to Psalm 1 and I felt like the answers I need are in God's Word. I then went to my One Year Bible to read the portion for today and Moses appeared before my eyes. I saw God calling him... telling him it was time... time to move forward by going back to Egypt. Moses doubted himself... doubted God being with him... doubted the direction he was receiving. Moses was afraid of people not believing him... not listening to him... he was afraid of things not working out. Today, the story of Moses looked like me.

As I went to Renee's blog and read about doubt and fear I see God showing me what the issues are. I haven't found the point where they began but I do know that God wants to heal the issues of my heart.

Lord, forgive me for doubting and being afraid. Please open up the places I have closed off in my heart. Open my ears to hear your voice and help me to follow your lead.

at that point....

2010-01-21T10:31:00.005-06:00

I'm at that point again... the point where I am tired and overwhelmed... the point where I wonder if I will ever make it through this.... As I walked into the bathroom after class this morning I heard this gentle reminder: "Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."

As I was walking to the library I felt I should come blog about this... part of me felt silly because I am just overwhelmed with classes and there are so many others that are overwhelmed with much bigger issues... the loss of a child or the loss of a home or the chaos of destruction all around them. How can I blog about something silly like being overwhelmed with classes? And again, I felt the gentle whisper of the Lord say to me, "Overwhelmed is overwhelmed. Each person's "thing" seems overwhelming to them and yet... I am the Source of their help." So here I am... sitting at a computer and blogging about feeling overwhelmed and the Source of our help and hope.

Here is the full passage:

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

When we feel overwhelmed... we feel like we are buried beneath the load of something... grief, dispair, anxiety... it's like a crushing weight. Or maybe.... we feel like the "thing" in front of us is insurmountable... like climbing to the tallest mountain top. I like how this Psalm calls it "A song of ascents". When we're at the bottom of a mountain... or even part way up... if we look up, sometimes it seems like the top is still SO far away. We struggle and feel overwhelmed... like we'll never make it to the top. I imagined myself standing in front of the mountain and looking at the climb that lies ahead and wondering... How will I ever do it? How will I ever make it? ....Where will my help come from? We know... our help comes from the Lord. His grace is sufficient... He is the Source of our strength. He is the Source of everything we need for the climb up and out of where we are. If you are lying beneath a load of grief... He is your strength. If you are lying beneath a pile of destruction... He is your way out. If you are standing in front of a mountain that doesn't appear to be moving or getting any smaller... He is the God of the impossible.

He knows the way... up, out, over or through. His Word says that He will watch over you. He won't let your foot slip, He won't let you fall. He won't take His eyes off of you... with each step He will be exactly what you need. He will be your shelter, your covering, your protection. He will be a shade for you when you feel the "heat" of what ever you are going through. He will keep you from all harm....even when it hurts SO bad. He will watch over you and He won't ever let you go.

He will pull me through.... even if I don't know how... I know... He will pull me through. He will take care of me. He knows exactly what I need.... exactly when I need it. He holds my hand and I can hear Him encouraging me to press onward. "Keep going... you can do it.... hang in there.... I'm right by your side."

Maybe you're having one of those days.... where you feel like you can't even hold your head up. Try again... look up... and you will see... the Lord, the maker of the heavens and then earth... He's there to help you take the next step. He's there to hold you up and push you forward. You can do it... with His help... you CAN do ALL things through Him!! Hold onto His hand and He will lift you up.

Praying for you today as you step past this point.

Great Quote...

2010-01-14T08:08:00.001-06:00

So here's another great quote from Mark Batterson...

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Criticize by creating. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.

Chase the lion."

Fundamentals...

2010-01-13T07:38:00.004-06:00

So... it never ceases to amaze me how God ties everything in to make "it" fit together... for good! As you may know I have journeyed back to college life to expand my knowledge and try something a little scary and yet... totally God. On top of all the learning I am having to do for school (which is sometimes VERY challenging!) I am reading through my One Year Bible with my Church. Once again I am being reminded of how Abraham and Sarah... and their children... took matters into their own hands and tried to "help" God out.

The Lord keeps reminding me, "It's all about the fundamentals"... going back to the basics, paying attention to the foundation, everything builds on top of each other. Take for example, classes, I had to start with a basic math class and take all the ones in between before I could get to College Algebra (thank goodness!! College Algebra is TOUGH!). One thing I learned in class the other day was when you are in the midst of a difficult class and you want to give up, get your focus back on the end goal. What is the reason you are taking this class? To get to the next class. Each class builds on the next one.

Life... our walks with God... how many times are we in the midst of something difficult and wanting to give up? In struggling once again in an area I have struggled with before... Jesus gently reminds me to push through.... to trust HIM because this struggle I am going through is preparation for the next struggle, trial, test... He has a plan... in ALL things He has a purpose and a plan. He will take the hard places... smooth them out... and use them as a reminder when we are in the next hard place. He reminds me that He will always take care of me, that He cares about the little details of my life and that He will NEVER abandon me... and that He doesn't need my help to make HIS promises come true! Yes, they are simple truths... the fundamentals... but they never get old.

As I push through these hard places... may I come out trusting Him more... and a little more aware of HIS truth... and a little smarter for the journey ahead.. May I always focus on the end goal which is Jesus Christ my Lord and fulfilling HIS plans and purposes for my life. If I listen... and read all the way through... I will hear His voice cheering me on and encouraging me each step of the way.

He is so very good to me and I am SO glad He is patient with me!!

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." (Psalm 37:23)

A New Year...

2010-01-01T11:30:00.005-06:00

...and a new day. I love New Year's Eve and New Year's Day... it marks for me the time to put away the old and look forward to the new. I am excited for what God has in store this year. I am excited to find out where He wants me to go to school next fall as another option was revealed to me a couple of days ago. I look forward to getting through each and every class by passing with a reflection of His excellence and great wisdom! I look forward to gleaning new things from His word. I look forward to meeting new friends and having coffee with current ones. I look forward to all the things He wants to do in and through me that I can't possibly think of or even imagine! I look forward to... HIM!

Here is a prayer I received this morning from my friends at Proverbs 31 Ministries. I have only changed the "we" to "me" in an effort to personalize it. May it speak to your heart like it has mine.

Father in heaven, thank You that You are All Authority in heaven and on earth. Thank You that You led me here today. You know my every need, my deepest desires, and my hurting places. Lord, as I seek to know You more, would You open the eyes of my heart to see the wonderful things in Your law?

Father, I confess that so often I live a life that does not honor You. My actions and my Words seem so far from You. But, I do want to live a life that pleases You, so I ask today for You to soften my heart to receive what Your sweet Spirit has to speak to me. Give me a hunger and a thirst for Your Word. As You reveal it to me, help me through the power of Your Holy Spirit to listen and obey. You tell me Your Word is living and active, like a double-edged sword. Father, I invite You to use it now to penetrate the deepest recesses in my heart.

Give me a heart that desires You and Your Truth above all else. Your Word tells me that if I lack Wisdom, I need only ask and You will give it liberally. So I ask today for a fresh filling of Your Wisdom. Give me the strength to walk in Your Truth, no matter the cost. Guard my heart and keep my eyes fixed on You. Grow in me the fruit of Your Spirit…those things that will make me more like You. As I study Your Word, fill me and saturate me with more of You!!

Today, Father, I surrender my past and look to the future, thanking You that I am a new creation. No matter what I have done before today, I have Hope in You to take all things and use them for Your good and the good of Your Kingdom. Thank You that You are Faithful. Thank You that I can make my plans but You will direct my steps. I trust in You to do a mighty work in me and through me this year and that You will carry it on to completion until the day I step into eternity with You.

Lord, I love You. Make my life a living testimony of Your Love. I ask this in the powerful and mighty name of Your Son, Jesus Christ my Lord who will do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. AMEN.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity

2009-12-22T22:18:00.002-06:00

I first began reading Mark Batterson's book "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" about this time last year. It was a book that proved to change my life dramatically. God used that book to put me on a path that would cause me to make one of the biggest changes of my life. His next book "Wild Goose Chase" caused me to take the next steps in leaving the cage I had been bound up in and embark on something new for the Glory of God.

When I first heard about his latest book, "Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity" I was very excited, but at the same time I wondered what God would challenge me to change after reading this book. While I haven't been able to finish the book just yet due to my homework load this quarter... already I have begun to feel God's whisper to my heart... it is calling me to pursue Him in a new and deeper way.

One paragraph that spoke to my heart stated:

"...I couldn't help but wonder if our generation has conveniently forgotten how inconvenient it can be to follow in the footsteps of Christ. I couldn't help but wonder if we have diluted the truths of Christianity and settled for superficialities. I couldn't help but wonder if we have accepted a form of Christianity that is more educated but less powerful, more civilized but less compassionate, more acceptable but less authentic than that which our spiritual ancestors practiced."

Already God has used this book to challenge me to look at the Great Commandment in a new light. Do I really love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul and strength? Do I even understand what that means? Do I obey it or do I merely think it is another great verse in the Bible? Is it just a "warm fuzzy" or does it mean more in my life? I want my love for God to be more... I want to love Him with ALL of my heart, ALL of my mind, ALL of my soul and ALL of my strength.

"The decent down this flight of stairs into primal Christianity will be convicting at points, but the end result will be a renewed love for God that is full of genuine compassion, infinite wonder, insatiable curiosity, and boundless energy. Anything less is not enough. It's not just unfulfilling, it's also unfaithful. The quest is not complete until it results in catacomb-like convictions that go beyond conventional logic. The goal is a love that, as our spiritual ancestors understood, is worth living for and dying for."

My gift to you this Christmas is a strong recommendation to make Mark Batterson's new book "Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity" the next book you read... make sure it is the first book you read in 2010!

forms....

2009-12-07T06:00:00.005-06:00

Yesterday in church, our Pastor read this scripture:

Romans 12:2:

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing a perfect.

I then heard the Lord explain to me part of the issue of the previous day and the previous post. He showed me how I expect things to look a certain way based on how the world says it should look. It's so easy to pick up the behaviors and customs of this world and just assume that's the way things are supposed to be. For me, God showed me how I was locked in to thinking that Christmas should look a certain way... I have been thinking that way for years. If you don't have "this" then Christmas just isn't Christmas... if you can't give lots of gifts then it just isn't Christmas like it should be... if you don't have a tree... well then it just isn't Christmas. Really? Is that really what Christmas is about?

This little book I have been reading during my morning devotions added to this by stating, "Jesus was not attached to the form of things... Often we think a relationship or project should turn out a certain way, but, if we are wise, we must be willing to have it take another form. ... People who are too attached to the form of things are locking themselves into "realities" that are almost always sure to change."

This Christmas I want to look at Christmas differently... I want to be open to doing something different for a change... I want to be willing to see Christmas from God's eyes. I want to allow Him to transform me by changing the way I "think" Christmas should look. I have the feeling He wants to show me something AMAZING... He usually does!

Thank you for letting me ramble my thoughts out here and for your words of encouragement... May you have a very blessed Christmas and may it take on a new form for you as well!

Love,

Bonnelle

struggles...

2009-12-05T14:11:00.011-06:00

I hesitate to even write this post... partly because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining when I know I have so much to be thankful for and yet needing to voice these thoughts out in writing... and partly because I don't know how to word this without having it sound bad but you know what?? I need to just say it!

I struggle with this whole time of year. My inward struggle begins November 1st each year as I remember my parent's anniversary and how much I miss them. I also know it heads into the whole season of being thankful and then the Christmas season hits... Once I have managed to make it through Thanksgiving then December 2nd comes... the date of Gerad's birth and last year, it was the date of Nick's funeral...

I just tend to have a blah feeling during the months of November and December. Just a missing of my baby and my parents and the struggles financially that we always seem to walk through at Christmas time when the world says it's all about the gifts and the decorations and the love and the festivities and lights and everybody's joyous! For me.... I just want to crawl in a hole with a warm blanket and hibernate until the New Year. I love New Year's... the promise of something new and hopefully better coming ahead... a time when I can put behind me the sadness of the last couple of months and look forward to the freshness of Spring. Each year I pray it gets easier and yet at the same time... I don't want to forget them. I can't forget them...

Last night as I watched this little boy skip across the lobby at the theater... it reminded me of another little boy... so long ago. My heart once again told Gerad... "I'm sorry"... and then I heard his sweet little voice speak to my heart and say... "It's okay mommy. I love you and I'm having so much fun here!" My heart's reply was... "but I miss you honey." and he said, "I know but I will see you again soon.".... So I smiled and turned away to focus on something else before I started to cry.

Today I wonder... Do all mom's who have lost a child struggle with this time of year? Or is it just me? Whenever I see the snow flakes in light of the streetlights I always remember the night of Gerad's birth and the feeling of wonderment I had that night... wondering if Mary had that same feeling of wonder... I remember standing and wondering what was so special about this child because he felt different in my arms. I knew there was something unique about him. Little did I know what was ahead... I don't think Mary really understood the depths of how special her baby boy was the night He was born. She knew He was special but she couldn't have known how it would feel to watch Him die... to give up His life so that we might live. Thank You Jesus for being willing to give up your life for me. Thank you Mary for being willing to be the vessel used by God to carry such a special child.

That night as Jesus was laying in a manger there wasn't a Christmas tree decorated with lights. There wasn't a whole bunch of gifts because the gifts technically came later. There was just a little family gathered together in a little stable... filled with love for each other and the God who had blessed them so very much. Isn't that what it's really all about anyway? Just being together and being filled with love for each other and the One who has loved us SO much more then we can possibly imagine.

Thank You Jesus for once again... bringing my focus back to you....

the frisbee...

2009-11-16T08:52:00.003-06:00

So yesterday I went forward for prayer about my anxieties over my finals today. I wasn't alone in my anxiety issues... there were many people who had come forward for this. The man that prayed over us had us say a verse (I can't remember where it's found) and all I can remember of it is, "don't fret". He then had us close our eyes and picture being in a park playing frisbee with Jesus. He instructed us to throw whatever we were worried about to Jesus.... to cast all of our cares and anxieties on Him and let Him take them.

When I woke up this morning a song played through my head that has a line, "the old me is dead and gone"... I'm not who I used to be in high school. I'm not who I was 11 months ago when I was at my old job. I'm not who I was 20 some years ago when this dream was placed in my heart. I'm growing and I'm learning.... I'm no longer stagnant...

When I went to my Bible this morning to find the verse from yesterday I couldn't find it so I looked at my list of promises from God's Word that we were given several months ago at church. Since I thought today was the 15th, I looked at the verse for the 15th day on my list. It was the scripture in 2 Corinthians 1 that I blogged about before. Immediately upon looking at the page I remembered the verses that had spoken to me that day. The verses that talk about: "We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely on God... We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us." and, "We have depended on God's grace, not on our own human wisdom."

All this to say... I've thrown the frisbee of these tests to Jesus and I'm looking to Him to take care of the grades for me. I am leaning and relying on Him and His grace, not on my own wisdom and understanding. I trust that.... He's got it! He'll take care of it! And I can trust Him with it! And whenever I think about the Chemistry final I have this afternoon... I can confidently say, "It's okay... God's got it!"

boldly...

2009-11-10T09:25:00.003-06:00

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There, we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." (Hebrews 4:16)

Chemistry... is a struggle for me... and yet... it is the beginning of the hard classes to come! When I was pausing in my study time this morning to sit and have some time in the Word, He brought me to this verse. As I look at my Chemistry book and all the notes, handouts, homework and tests I have completed over the course of this quarter... there is a LOT of information!! And yet.... I sit here in the presence of the One who created the Universe!! He created all of these atoms and molecules, He created the Heavens and the Earth!

Lord, I do come boldly... and very tiredly... to your throne of much Grace and Mercy. I know that You know ALL things. This is your creation! Science is so... little and easy in your scope of wisdom and knowledge. I come to You because You know more than any scientist EVER!! Lord, I need Your Mercy to finish this quarter strong in this class that has proved to be EXTREMELY challenging for me! Lord, I know You want me to take this and conquer it... like the lion in the pit! I know.... You are here with me! Show me Your mercy and grace as I begin to study for this upcoming final. Show me what to study, how to study so I can finish strong. Show me what to focus on so I can do better then the last test (which I didn't do so well on). You know the grade I need so... I'm counting on You... the creator the Universe... to help me.

You are awesome Lord! Thank You for bringing me this far! Thank You that I know You will not leave me alone in this! Thank You for constantly being with me... each and every step of the way. I give this over to You.

Amen!

strength....

2009-10-29T11:57:00.004-05:00

I come from a family of music-lovers... it seems my memories of my Dad always have him whistling or singing a little tune. My mom played the piano so music filled our home. My sisters play the piano and all of us kids sing... so it's no surprise when God drops a song in my path when things are hard... or even joyous.

Today as I was driving home in the rain feeling rather numb this song came on the cd I had playing and I just kept hitting repeat because it ministered to me... and is what's really in my heart of hearts...

You are Faithful

by Hillsong

Lord of all the earth

how you care for me

You have made me

You will saved me

and carry me always

You are faithful

Your joy is my strength

Lord you are my guide

I rely on You

I put my hope in things not seen

Your promises are all true

Always you are with me

Your hand will lead me

My trust is in Your name

You are faithful

Your joy is my strength

Then as I opened my Bible to read from while I ate my lunch He took me to this verse....

Psalm 18:1 & 2:

I love you , Lord;

you are my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior...

He is faithful and He IS my strength... that about says it all. Even when things are rough, when puppies die and little kids get cancer... when you feel alone... in the midst of things you don't understand... in the quietness... He is there. He is there and He knows exactly what we need when we need it. Sometimes, it comes in the comfort of a song or the hug of a friend or even... just.... being. He is faithful...

a fork in the road....

2009-10-20T10:59:00.003-05:00

I sit here with two different options before me. Which path do I take? Lord, I want to be where you want me to be... that's always been my desire. Today's verse:

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me." (Psalm 16:8)

As I look at the two paths in front of me... one seems easier and faster, a more direct route in some ways. The other path is harder and longer... more challenging... and yet... I feel the Lord calling me to follow Him.

As I look back at my life, I see hardships but there has been growth along the way. I KNOW He has been with me each and every step, through each and every trial and challenge.

Course, my flesh cries out and doesn't want the pain - who in their right mind would?! But that's just it... the flesh always wants to take the easy route.

He is with me and I know He is directing my each and every step. I will trust in HIM alone. I will follow Him where ever He may take me and even if the road we travel seems hard, I will not be shaken because I KNOW He is right here beside me.

Hmm... guess the choice is made! =)

moments in time...

2009-10-17T17:29:00.003-05:00

This week was an interesting to say the very least...

Monday - I found a beautiful new $100 bill in an envelope lying on the ground outside a building at school. Feeling badly for the person who lost it, I took it to the Student Services office so they could hold onto it in case someone would come looking for it. I later found out if it went unclaimed after 30 days, it would be mine. Finding that money and deciding what to do... was a moment in time.

Tuesday - I received a call from Student Services and the owner had indeed come looking for the money. It ended up belonging to a single mom with three kids who works part-time at the campus. She was amazed and I was blessed with the joy of knowing that the lost had been found. Hugging a stranger who was amazed at the goodness of God... was a moment in time.

Wednesday - I had two tests on the same day. For most college students is this a normal occurrence but for me... I was stressed to say the least. Add... on top of two tests my English assignment I had spent HOURS on came back to me with a grade that I thought said "not good enough". I also had a period of feeling like I had failed God in helping someone. Two tests and feeling down... was a moment in time.

Thursday - I went to the library to breathe and spend some time with the Lord when He began speaking to me about the many times in my life where I felt I was walking in more then what I could bear. Situations that were hard and difficult and painful to say the least. He was reminding me of those times and how I felt I couldn't handle much more and yet each and every time He rescued me and delivered me... out of them all! I was asking Him to help me with my test anxiety and He reminded me of how He has called me on this journey and even though it seems hard at the moment, He will bring me through it so He receives the Glory. As I was leaving the library a man stopped me and asked me what I was studying. "Oh... I'm taking my general Math and Science classes because I want to go into Physical Therapy", I replied. He asked me how long that took and I explained that I would spend a year at Metro catching up and then I would do a year at Clarkson where I would graduate with an Associates as an Assistant and then hopefully go on from there. He told me to not waste my time on the Associates but to go for the end goal... to go for what I felt I should be doing. It was a moment in time where I felt the presence of God settle down on me. A moment where I knew this wasn't just a stranger sitting there being nice to me, it was the voice of the Lord speaking to me. I explained how I had always been afraid of Physical Therapy because of how I had done in high school. He went on to tell me how I shouldn't worry about how I did in high school. "That was then, this is now" he said and he explained how we all do silly things in high school. "Don't let how you did then, hold you back from what you're supposed to do now."

Friday - as part of the Clarkson application process I had scheduled to do eight hours of observation of Physical Therapists. I spent the day observing and asking questions. What were the differences between a Physical Therapist and a Physical Therapist Assistant and did the credits transfer from the classes I would take as an Assistant into the Physical Therapy programs offered at area colleges. What were their suggestions?

As I look back at the ups and downs of this week I see the Hand of God. He's shown me how there will be times where I will do really well and be really happy with how things are going. Then, there will be times where I feel like I failed and wonder why in the world God would have me walking this path. He revealed to me that if I will just simply lean on and rely on Him, He WILL take me through this journey. He WILL rescue me in the hard places and He WILL continue to lead me and guide me each step as I trust in Him.

I believe He has a plan and a purpose for all of these struggles we face and have faced. I believe that the loss of a child, another who was diagnosed and healed of a serious illness, a husband with a back injury and a 43 year woman starting to pursue Physical Therapy.... it all fits together for my good and for His Glory!

I went and picked up the book that God used as a catalyst for this journey and I read this line that speaks volumes...

"There is an old aphorism: 'No guts, no glory.' When we don't have the guts to step out in faith and chase lions, then God is robbed of the glory that rightfully belongs to Him." -- Mark Batterson

I don't want to rob Him of the Glory He deserves.

For this moment in time... I will trust in Him and give Him all the praise and Glory for this weeks... "moments in time".

wow...

2009-09-24T09:15:00.004-05:00

I need to write this down so I don't forget. The Lord just revealed something so powerful to me... as I type I pray He shows me more if there is more.

I was sitting in my Algebra class this morning listening intently to what the instructor was saying. He was talking about a concept and I thought, "I have NO idea what you just said or what you meant by that!". All of a sudden the Lord showed me a picture of my head down, going head first into a wall, full speed ahead. "Like boring through a wall head-first", I heard Him say. "You try to tackle these concepts and all that your learning with your head and with your own understanding. You're going at it using your head. Like your boring through a wall head-first. I want you to go in like a warrior. Head up, shield up, following Me, your Leader, Teacher, Commander in Chief. I will show you the way, I will explain the concepts with each step as you seek Me and listen to My voice. As a warrior gets instruction from his leader, so I will give you instruction as you need it. Don't lean on your own ability to understand what you are being taught. Instead, lean on Me and listen to My instruction and I will show you the way." ...wow...

Yesterday I had my first Chemistry test and I was SO stressed about it. I just wanted to do a good job. Yesterday morning when I was asking a friend to pray for me I told her I felt like I was trying to make up for the grades I got in high school. I didn't know what the test would be like but all I knew was, I wanted to get a good grade. I thought about this test so much yesterday and all the while, I was trying to lean on God at the same time. When I finished the test, I was exhausted. I felt physically and mentally worn out!

When the Lord gave me that picture this morning I realized that was why I felt that way yesterday. I was trying to pack all this information in my brain and lean on Him at the same time. I know I need to trust Him in this. I know I CAN trust Him to bring me through it and yet, there still seems to be a battle going on where I am trying to do it in my own strength. Forgive me Lord for leaning on my own understanding. Forgive me for not fully resting in Your promise that You will walk with me each step of the way and passing the tests and classes and doing well WILL happen for YOUR glory!

When I came downstairs after class and was pondering on this picture He gave me, I went to my Bible to read today's scripture from a list I have of 40 promises from God. I chuckled a little when I read this passage:

"So the Lord gave to Israel all the land he had sworn to give their ancestors, and they took possession of it and settled there. And the Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had solemnly promised their ancestors. None of their enemies could stand against them, for the Lord helped them conquer ALL their enemies. Not a single one of ALL the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; EVERYTHING he had spoken came true." (Joshua 21:43-45)

ALL my enemies, all my fears and anxieties are conquered in Jesus Name. He has already conquered them. All I have to do is walk in the peace that passes all understanding. This dream, this path I am walking is a path designed and chosen by Him. It's a path that will bring HIM glory when I walk across the stage to get my diploma. I KNOW He has begun a good work in me and I KNOW He will be faithful to complete it. I know He will help me each step of the way.

No matter the outcome.... I will trust in YOU.

distractions...

2009-09-19T13:19:00.002-05:00

Today was supposed to be a day spent studying. A day to accomplish a lot in the realm of learning. Well what I learned was NOT Chemistry. What I learned was that our Father is amazing. Yes, I already knew that but I just have been amazed lately at how He doesn't always care about what we think our schedule should hold. The last couple of days He has taken me to blogs of mom's who have lost a child. Yesterday during what I thought would be a brief study break, He had me explain our story of loosing Gerad to a friend from high school and to pray with her about her fear of her daughter driving a couple of hours away to a game.... only to address my own fears a short time later.

Distractions are things that keep us from our goal. A definition I found is: "that which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration". Sometimes this is a bad thing because we loose focus. Granted, I have lost focus and will need to spend a lot of time catching up but.... sometimes I believe God allows the distractions to get us to see that life is more then just checking off things on our "to do" lists. Life is about taking time to read blogs of hurting people, to weep with those who weep, to listen to fears and to take the time to pray over those fears on instant message... Life is about seeing the Hand of the Father directing your every step and trusting Him for the rest.

I guess my point in this post is just this... thank you Lord for the distractions that broaden my scope of things. Thank you for reminding me that there are people who need prayer and encouraging words. Thank you Lord for the reminder that you are never to busy to hear our hurts and our hearts. Thank you that you take the time to listen. Thank you Lord that you will now redeem my study time and that since you are the Master Teacher you will infuse me with your great wisdom and understanding!

kindness...

2009-09-18T10:40:00.003-05:00

"Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
Martha Schlaback

I love when the Lord gives you a practical application to something He shows you. As I read this little quote this morning I had to smile because right before I got to it, I was thinking of a situation that came about yesterday afternoon in the cafeteria. I had watched out the window to see a blind woman getting out of a van, as her ride dropped her off at the door. I have seen several blind students around campus but this one in particular caught my eye as I wondered how they do everything without sight. As she disappeared from my view I marveled at how they use their canes and counting steps to get through life. I went back to studying and after a few minutes I heard clicking against chairs. As I looked up and saw this same blind woman as she attempted to make her way through the tables and chairs. Clearly, things were out of place and she was becoming confused as to where she was. I watched her as she stopped to listen to the sounds around her so she could figure out where she was in the room. She turned around and started walking toward a back corner and I knew... she needed some assistance. I approached her and gently touched her arm as I spoke. "Is there someplace I can help you find?" and she smiled at me the sweetest smile. She was intending to go to Student Services and wasn't sure how she had ended up in the cafeteria. She was thinking it was closed. As we began walking I explained where we were and that yes, the cafeteria was open. She told me she would like to get a bottle of pop then so I lead her to the register and got one for her. I waited behind her as she paid. It was one of those moments where you wonder if you should help more or leave to let her handle it on her own. Not wanting to abandon her, I stood and waited. As the gal at the register asked me if I needed anything I told her no, that I was just helping. I asked the blind woman if she knew how to get to Student Services from here and gave her a point of direction from where she was to where she needed to go. As I walked away I asked Jesus to help her get to where she needed to go and that someone would be helpful and kind to her.

I couldn't help but think of the scripture that talks about when you help someone you may be helping an angel. The amazing thing was, though, I was so blessed to have been able to help her find her way. It spoke to my heart in ways I can't put into words. Even now as I'm typing this tears come to my eyes. It wasn't so much about being nice to someone, it was more about being Jesus in a moment in time, in a real and tangible way. What a blessing it was to me... to see my daughter's words to me lived out. "There are people out there who need you Mom. They need your touch and they need to hear your story and they need the Jesus that's on the inside of you."

As I live my life now as a student among so many new faces, daily I am reminded about how the Presence of God goes with me and how I carry His Presence to that campus. It was Jesus who touched the woman's arm. It was Jesus who led the way. It was Jesus who got up when others just sat and ignored her struggles. Oh dear Jesus, help me to see that there are so many people there who are spiritually blind and looking for their way. Help me to be a light there. Help me to get up and go to them and not be like those who just ignore the struggles of others. Help me to daily, touch the life of an angel.

"How will they know unless you tell them?" How will they know unless you touch them? How will they know He loves them unless you love them? How will they know?

Today speak the language of kindness that goes beyond words.

new beginnings....

2009-08-28T17:52:00.002-05:00

WOW... what a day!

As I sit here on my floor with gifts from my friends all around me... I reflect on the day that it has been. I have good friends where I work... people that I love and care about. People that have come out of the wood-work over the last month to tell me they appreciate me. It has really been amazing! You know... you don't think you make much of an impact but then... suddenly you realize that maybe you made more of an impact then you realize. My daughter has had a similar experience in her returning to school. People that she had class with but wasn't really friends with... have greeted her so warmly... and it's amazed her. Course, any of you that read this that know her know... she's pretty amazing! =)

What I have learned over the course of this week, especially in building up to this meeting that I had today with one of the directors of the company is that people are important and need to feel important... like they matter. People do matter... I think that is part of why I want to go into Physical Therapy. Just to be able to have one on one moments with people. To speak into their lives. To touch them with the touch of Jesus and to love them like He loves them. I know I was doing that where I was... but I want to do it even more so. This week has been amazing. I have talked to more people this week then I have ever talked to at one time before. I had the freedom to just stop and talk and it was so neat! And I shared tears today as I said good-bye to several of those people. If I didn't know without a doubt that leaving is what God wants me to do... I probably would have backed out. But there really is no doubt in my mind. And that's awesome! =)

My challenge to you is... take some time today to bless someone's life. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them they do a great job. Tell them they... matter. Tell them that you care. It really does make a difference in their lives and you blessing them... ends up blessing you!

That's all for now!!

standing before kings....

2009-08-25T20:18:00.005-05:00

So... today I received an interesting invite. It came to my inbox at work. It took me by surprise to begin with because this was not your typical invite to a typical meeting. You see, this particular invite was to meet with someone very important in our company. I knew almost immediately that not everyone gets this kind of invitation when leaving the company. I went and talked to one of my managers who then confirmed that I was only the second person she knew of to receive such an invitation. Upon clicking the "Accept" button, I began to pray for wisdom and the words to say. I am... in a sense... being summoned... to come before a "king". At first I was nervous and yes, even a little afraid, but then I heard the Lord tell me not to be afraid and that He would go with me. This is an opportunity that has been ordained by Him. This is an opportunity to go and speak.... to be the voice of my fellow associates. This is a significant meeting... not just because of who this person is and the position that he holds... but it feels as though there is more to it. God orders our steps... even into important meetings. I meet with this person Thursday morning. Please pray that God will speak through me and give me the right words to say.

verses that speak...

2009-08-20T22:03:00.003-05:00

I love it when I'm reading my Bible in the morning and verses jump out at me and I hear God speaking to my heart through them... It's so awesome because it proves to me on a real life basis that His Word is living and active. There are times, yes, where it cuts me deep and points out where I have been wrong. There are also times where the Lord just sends me gentle words of encouragement such as the story of Ezra - "the gracious hand of his God was upon him" - this is stated in chapter 7 & 8 of Ezra several times. We all know that when God says something more then once we're supposed to listen because it's important. In verses 9 & 10 of chapter 7 it says, "the gracious hand of his God was on him. This was because Ezra had determined to study and obey the Law of the Lord and to teach those decrees and regulations to the people of Israel."

The gracious hand of the Lord his God was upon Ezra because he chose to study and obey the Word of God and he determined in his heart to share the Word of the Lord with the people of Israel.

I felt the Lord reminding me this morning of the verse that started this blog last year. That He has Chosen me as His very own possession and as a result I can share with others about His goodness. He encouraged me to blog about a journey He has me on and about how He is opening doors for me to walk through that... amaze me on a daily basis!

I am not really sure how to go about sharing everything of the last few months but a glimpse into the journey is the amazing goodness of God. Eight months ago God planted a seed in my heart. It was a calling to lay down the security I know in my current job, to lay down the fears I have always had about math and science. He began by taking me through a couple of math classes to gradually build my confidence. He used those classes to show me that He will give me wisdom and understanding about things... I have no understanding of! The last test I took a couple of weeks ago will forever stand as a reminder to me of GOD being the one behind this whole thing! I went into a test totally and completely relying on HIM. I didn't understand the section we were on but I needed to pass the test in order to be done with the class. I prayed before, during and after the test and.... HE helped me pass! I was so..... amazed! I walked out to the truck knowing that God was on this and that He was helping me take each step. I knew that HE was going to be the one to get me through the necessary courses and that in the end... when I walk across the stage to get my diploma it will be for HIS glory.... so that everyone will know... that HE brought me through this great victory!

One morning about a month ago I was reading my Bible outside and praying about school and work and going to school full-time. I wasn't sure how it would be possible for me to quit my job but I knew that taking one class a quarter was going to take me FOREVER to get through them all! I came in and counted up that if I were to start taking two classes a quarter then I could be through the pre-requisites in a year and be onto the next step next fall! I presented this to my husband but neither one of us knew how I could continue to work full-time and take two classes. It would be too much. We began praying and figuring together and finally... he gave me his blessing to quit my job and focus on school. I am still amazed! This was a major turn around from just a few months ago!! God had moved the mountains that were in front of me and suddenly... I could see a brand new day dawning!!

The doors that opened from that moment on were doors that only God could open.

First, my husband needed to be in agreement and we had reached that door and walked through it.

Second, I began praying about one friend in particular at work. She is very dear to my heart and I knew she would take my leaving very hard. I prayed that God would prepare her for the news and that He would help me tell her at just the right moment.

Third, was telling my managers and people at work that I have known for a lot of years.

The day I told my friend at work... God provided the perfect moment. He gave her a dream one night that our former manager came to her to find out how much I make. He looked at the amount and said, "I can top that. I'm taking her." She was stunned and didn't understand what it meant. I told her that maybe it was preparation and explained that I was going to be giving my notice. I told her that God had given her that dream. She denied it but I knew... only God could have given her a dream like that! We talked about it for quite awhile and I could see it was hard but our talk went better then I had hoped.

Next came telling my manager. I had thought I would do it Friday afternoon before I left to go on my "vacation". God had other plans.... He set up a perfect opportunity in the middle of the week and there wasn't any way I could put off telling him any longer. Once I told him... there was no turning back. What was so cool about the whole thing was I was going to put in an application and my daughter told me I would need to know my class schedule before I could put down the hours I was available (spoken like a true college student!). I registered for classes and got that set up, then told my boss I was quitting. He tried to get me to extend out my last day. For a brief moment I contemplated working on a part-time basis. I went outside to talk it through with my husband and in the course of our conversation... I knew staying was not what God wanted for me. It was so awesome! If I wouldn't have already registered for classes, it would have been so easy to have stayed "just a little bit longer". God had me register so I couldn't change my mind in any way! It was so cool!

Finally, when I registered for one of my classes I was on a wait-list because it had filled. I was going to change it to a different class but didn't have the chance to. Today, when I went to the school to look at the books I will need I printed off my schedule... and I'm no longer on the wait-list! It shows me as registered! This is both cool and a little bit scary for me because... it's a Chemistry class!! I was walking on the campus and praying about this new development and suddenly... I was filled with peace. I know that God has helped me pass so far.... He won't let me down now! This is HIS dream for me that He has placed on my heart and I KNOW He will bring it to completion!

My last day is next Friday. While I am a little sad to be leaving those friendships that I have made over the last nine years I am even more excited to be laying down my staff of security to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.... and going on a Wild Goose Chase with HIM!

In going back to the verses I mentioned at the beginning of this post... I feel like God was saying to me this morning that His hand is upon me and He will lead me each step of the way and He will provide for whatever I may need. I believe too that as I'm in the process, He wants me to study and obey His Word and to tell others along the way. As I study these courses, as He gives me the wisdom that I need, I need to share with those people around me what God is saying to me and that HE is the one bringing about victory every step of the way! As I do this, as I acknowledge HIM, His gracious hand will be upon me and it will be evident to everyone around me!

Welcome to my journey... I am so excited to be stepping into HIS New Day for my life. I will keep you posted on the progress! =)

back again...

2009-08-15T20:13:00.003-05:00

Hello, to anyone who still randomly checks this little blog out... Yes, it's true, I have been gone an awfully long time. You see, my daughter has been home over the summer (and it's been SO wonderful!). She was taking an online class and needed to use my laptop. She was able to buy herself a new laptop so now she's finishing up the class on her own lovely computer.

So much has happened over the summer that I almost don't know where to begin. God has been showing me some amazing things and is directing my paths in incredible ways. I have seen the beauty of the sunrise on several occasions as I was out walking in the early morning hours. Last Friday I took a walk around the lake and felt His smile as He spoke words of love, comfort and encouragement to me. I am so amazed at how truly wonderful He is.

One morning God spoke to me through this portion of scripture found in 2 Chronicles 32:

"Be strong and courageous! Don't be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria or his mighty army, for there is a power far greater on our side! He may have a great army, but they are merely men. We have the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles for us!"

The kind of Assyria had been very successful in battle and had come to attack Jerusalem. He was taunting the people and was spouting off about how King Hezekiah was lying to them when he told them that God was going to rescue all of Jerusalem from his army. "Surely Hezekiah is misleading you, sentencing you to death by famine and thirst!" The king of Assyria was pretty confident that his army would defeat God's people. "What makes you think your God can rescue you from me?". The kind of Assyria didn't realize Who he was coming up against and he and his men continued to mock God and His servant Hezekiah.

"Then King Hezekiah and the prophet Isaiah son of Amoz cried out in prayer to God in Heaven. And the Lord sent an angel who destroyed the Assyrian army with all its commanders and officers. So (king) Sennacherib was forced to return home in disgrace to his own land. And when he entered the temple of his god, some of his own sons killed him there with a sword. That is how the Lord rescued Hezekiah and the people of Jerusalem from King Sennachaerib of Assyria and from all the others who threatened them."

What spoke to me about this passage was that so many times when we are moving forward in the things of God, the enemy comes along and spouts off lies and tries to make us think that we'll die if we follow the path of God or that He won't rescue us from whatever trial we may be in. He tries to get us to believe that we are all alone or that "thing" we're going through is impossible to get out of.

However, if we cry out to God in prayer He will send angels to destroy the enemy and all of his tactics and will continue to reign victorious in our lives! If we cry out to Him and focus our eyes on Him, the enemy is forced to go back to the pit where he belongs and WILL leave us alone. What we need to remember is that GOD is on our side! He fights all our battles for us and HE alone.... IS VICTORIOUS.... ALWAYS!

What an amazing thing to grab hold of... with God on our side there really isn't anything that can hold us back or that we can't do. With God on our side we CAN do all things!! Isn't that awesome! What are you afraid of? What's holding you back? What lies do you believe? What things do you find yourself saying, "I can't do that!" to?? With God ALL things ARE possible! How cool is that????

Stay tuned dear friends... there is more to come!

profound quote...

2009-07-09T22:43:00.003-05:00

This quote was brought to my attention today and it just seemed like something that needed to be shared...

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security"

- Gail Sheehy

"On face value, this looks like a simple statement. Yet, is it the key to why so many of us refuse to embrace growth?

Are we not willing to surrender the rewards provided by our doing too much in terms of security?

Even when that surrender is temporary?

What are the roadblocks we put up against our own growth?

What fears do we use to scare ourselves?"

I believe we all have things that stand in front of us, like roadblocks, that prevent us from moving forward into that next step and into all God has for us. I believe too many times we see those roadblocks, those mountains, as insurmountable and impassable. However, Jesus says in His Word, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." (Matthew 17:20)

Did you catch that? NOTHING would be impossible. As I sit here tonight I wonder... am I letting mountains stand in my way? Am I letting fears scare me into staying in the "secure" zone? What are the mountains that stand in your way? What things are you afraid of? What areas are you comfortable in where you feel God is wanting you to step out and experience something new and unknown?

I'm reminded of a story I heard recently... forgive me if you're the story-teller and I don't say it quite right. There was a young girl (or maybe it was a young woman) who was in a hospital room. Out her window all she could see was a big mountain. She knew on the other side of the mountain was a beautiful ocean. Every day she asked God to move the mountain so she could just see the ocean.... and she didn't stop asking. After some time had passed she began to notice earth movers by the mountain and they were digging to build something (if I remember right) and in the end... God moved the mountain and she could see the ocean. Even though I may not have stated it completely or correctly... I think it points out that God hears and answers our prayers... even when they may seem as impossible as moving mountains.

Lord, show us what hinders us from moving forward. Show us the mountains and fears that stand in our way and keep us from what You desire for us. Show us and may we begin to say to that mountain.... MOVE! Fears be gone in the Name of Jesus! Mountains MOVE in the name of Jesus! Show us the beauty of what lies just beyond the mountains and may we believe that they CAN be moved!

attitude is everything...

2009-07-07T22:55:00.004-05:00

It's always wonderful when we get warm fuzzy's when we hear from God but what about the times when He's gentle voice... brings conviction?

I've been reading Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind". Excellent book by the way... I've been digesting it slowly and even going back through and reading sections again. This started as a result of a women's Bible Study group I am a part of but like God's timing usually is... it's perfect for where I am at.

I have been struggling with doing something I want to do but have not been released to do. I struggle because there is part of me that wants to jump out and run ahead and then there is the other part that knows I need to wait until the Lord makes it possible. I am referring to my dream to go to school full-time to become a Physical Therapist. I still believe that it is something I am supposed to do but at the same time, I haven't been released to leave my job and pursue this on a full-time basis. I have been asking God what HIS will is for me over the last several days and tonight I believe I heard the answer.

I grumble and complain a lot about my job and how hard it is to be there. I tend to complain that my job isn't really going anywhere and wouldn't it be more profitable to be doing something different? After all, isn't it better to use my gifts and talents in something like Physical Therapy rather then just sitting in my cube doing something that doesn't allow me to interact with others very much? Yes, I believe He does want to use me to bless others.... to touch their lives in a way that ministers to their hurts and their need for Jesus. What I have been seeing lately through the Word and the various books I am reading is.... it isn't so much "what" I do but "how" I do it. Do I do my job joyfully and as unto the Lord? Am I patient in the "waiting" process? Do I minister to those around me right now? Or am I just waiting for the "someday"? Do I watch and listen for opportunities to share Jesus NOW? This verse struck me tonight as I was reading:

..."But if you bear patiently with suffering [which results] when you do right and that is undeserved, it is acceptable and pleasing to God". 1 Peter 2:20

And then next came:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" Philippians 2:5

Did Jesus complain about the hardness of the cross? NO. He went to the cross out of love for me. He patiently suffered in the midst of the injustice of it all. He didn't have to take my sin upon Himself. He didn't have to endure the pain and suffering of the cross... but He did... because He loves me.

What does this mean for me? I believe that one day I will be able to go to school full-time... I have a lot of classes to take care of before I am at that point... one step at a time is what He's saying to me. See, I would love to get them all done NOW and be able to get into the program this fall but... there are steps that must be taken first. There are all these little classes that I need to get out of the way first before I can even apply to the program I desire. If I rush ahead... I will surely miss something important. "Patience, my dear" is what I hear the Lord saying to me. I need to be patient... and through bearing patiently with this process... as I take on the same attitude that Christ had...I will be pleasing HIM.

What is His will for my life? To patiently take each step with HIM. To hold His hand and listen to His voice. To make cupcakes for a birthday tomorrow or to listen when someone is having a hard day. To walk through these next set of changes... trusting Him.

I know He has a plan and a purpose for my life. I know that each day there is a plan and a purpose. My part is to trust Him and to wait patiently for His timing.

Patiently trusting....

His grace & love...

2009-06-25T21:32:00.003-05:00

I should go for a walk or clean up the laundry room for the repairman that's coming tomorrow but first... I feel I need to share some things that God has been showing me lately. I have hesitated to post anything just because I have really been seeking to hear GOD's voice. Tonight, though, as I was waiting for my husband to pick me up after my class I felt that I should sharing and that it was time for the "word of my testimony" to be spoken.

Probably one of the biggest things has been a simple little verse I read one morning just a few days ago...

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Psalm 139:4

I remember pausing at this verse that morning, struck by what those words we saying. He goes before me and He follows me, I have read that before and could feel once again, His presence in that simple statement. What seemed the most powerful to me though was the next sentence, "You place your hand of blessing on my head". In that moment, as I closed my eyes to soak in the words and the meaning, I felt His Hand settle gently on my head. I recalled the stories of where the father's would bless their sons or grandsons in the Old Testament and the power that was behind those blessings. Words that were spoken prophetically over their lives and the lives of their descendants. In that moment I felt the Lord uttering blessings over my life, for that day, for that moment but also for my future days and moments. I knew... I could tell that this wasn't just a one time deal... He goes before me and follows me on a daily basis and daily He places His hand of blessing upon my head. Each day before I leave the house for work He places His hand of blessing on my head. It was amazing to me.

As I sat there and pondered on these things I took a moment to go back again to the first verse of this Psalm and I could hear the Lord saying these things to me as a blessing:

"Bonnelle, I have examined every part of your heart. I know everything about you. Every detail and every thought. I know when you sit down and when you stand up. I know your thoughts even when they drift off to far away places. I know and I see you when you travel whether it be to work or to the store. I know when you're resting at home... I love to watch you sleep and I especially love it when you nestle in and rest in My arms. I know everything you do and I know the words you are going to say even before you speak them. Bonnelle, I go before you. Each step you take, I am with you. I go before you and I follow you. I hem you in with my love and protection. And each day... I am blessing you. I bless you with My love and My favor. I bless you and speak words of promise in your ear. Yes dear, I do have a plan and a purpose for your life. Yes, I have great plans and you are following in the path I want you to take. Hold onto My hand and I will lead you and guide you and show you the next step. Follow my lead, wait for my timing and you will see... everything I have promised, will come to be.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, it's too great for me to fully understand and comprehend!

God is so good... He is just so kind to me. I am so thankful that He's patient and always so faithful. He truly is amazing to me.

thoughts...

2009-06-22T21:54:00.004-05:00

Again it's been awhile since I last posted any thoughts. This is largely due to the fact that I have been praying and seeking the Lord a lot lately. I have felt an increased desired to hear from Him... to just hear HIS voice above all others. I find at times I'm easily distracted and long to be more focused on Him and all that He desires for me.

I have a friend named Kate who is on this amazing bike ride/trek... 240 miles over the next 5 days!! Please keep her in your prayers because it's hot where she's at also! Then my friend Renee Swope - her husband just ran a marathon. I've been pondering on the "art" of running and training for these great accomplishments that these people I know (through the blog world) are participating in... and discipline and perseverance it takes to accomplish these goals. I'm impressed by their dedication and at the same time... wishing I had that kind of perseverance, discipline, dedication... stick-to-it-iveness...

Lord, help me to keep my eyes focused on you. You are my goal... You are the one that I want to finish strong for. You are the one.... cheering me on along the way. You are the one... who's always there... even when I fall. Please help me to stay focused on Your voice and to keep my eyes trained on You. I don't want to become distracted by anything because nothing in all this world compares to You.

momentous occasion...

2009-05-30T07:16:00.003-05:00

Goodness! I keep marveling at God's Goodness.

Today, Josiah graduates from High School. This is a momentous occasion in many ways. For one, Josiah HATES school... with a passion! Since his first day of kindergarten he has had a hard time with the idea of having to be INSIDE a classroom for such a long period of time EVERY DAY! He would much rather be playing then sitting still listening to someone go on and on about something he's not really interested in. =) When I look back on his school days I think about the goodness of God in how each year He would supply a teacher who understood him... and saw the potential in him. Each year there was a teacher or someone who seemed to "get" Josiah... with the exception of his 3rd grade year. That's the goodness of God!

Another reason why this is a momentous day is because Josiah walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death when he went through Leukemia and chemo. There were so many negatives predicted about his life after chemo like his growth being stunted or his ability to learn being slower. The goodness of God though... outweighed all of those things and he is 6' 3" and graduating from High School! There aren't words enough to describe how good and amazing God is.

Yet another reason why this is such a momentous occasion is that in exactly one week from today Josiah will be boarding a plan headed for Turkey. Who knew that he would be the first of my children to go over-seas?!?! How amazing that is to me because Josiah is heading out on a Missions trip to go and tell others of the goodness of God! He shared his testimony to a group of friends last weekend and shared how God had brought him through the loss of a brother, a big move and then Leukemia. He shared about the goodness of God on his life and the things he's learned along the way. I wasn't able to hear all that he shared but I know... God is good!

There are verses in the Bible where God had brought someone through this HUGE battle or amazing feat and He tells them that He has rescued them so they can proclaim the goodness of the Lord and so that the world would know that GOD has done this great thing... Today I declare the goodness of the Lord because He has brought us through so much... next week Josiah will be declaring the goodness of God in a foreign country... What an amazing thing!!

GOD is SO good!!

May you have a blessed day and may you see things surrounding you that help you declare... the goodness of God.

today...

2009-05-05T21:31:00.003-05:00

Today is the 11th anniversary of the day our lives changed dramatically... It was 11 years ago today that our youngest child went home to be with Jesus. It's amazing how my mind goes back to that day each year. Today the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, brought back sweet memories of that day.... the moment where I glanced over and saw Gerad making the motions of giving his heart to Jesus... the moment I saw him walk away, hand in hand with Jesus, in a field filled with Daisy's...

How am I doing today? I am feeling... thankful. I am thankful that my other son who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death, has survived Leukemia is now working on going to Turkey on a missions trip in a few weeks. I am thankful that my daughter, even though she's 7 hours away, calls me to tell me the latest stories of her life. They both have gone through so much in their lives and I am thankful that even in the midst of these trials of life... they are good kids and love the Lord. I am thankful that Gerad is safe and sound in Heaven and he's waiting for the day of our arrival. I am thankful that in spite of the loss of a child, the illness of another and the injury of my husband... our marriage is stronger then it was 11 years ago and the Lord has been our Provider every step of the way. I am thankful.... for the Comforter who wipes away all my tears and comforts me with all Hope. And I am thankful once again that even though I don't understand everything I have a Father who knows and understands ALL things.

To all the Mother's who have lost a child.... may you have a blessed Mother's Day this weekend. May the Comforter fill you with all Hope of what is yet to come... and may you find peace and strength in the arms of the Father who loves you more than anyone else possibly could.

casting...

2009-05-03T12:44:00.002-05:00

"...casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7 NKJV)

I was over come with emotion this morning and the Lord spoke these words to me. Then He gave me the picture of casting your line in fishing. He showed me that casting my cares and worries upon Him is much the same way as casting your line out in the water when you are fishing. So over lunch today with my husband (who is a fisherman) I asked him to tell me about casting like I had never seen it done before. He proceeded to tell me about opening the bail in order to release the line and holding onto it until just the right moment. If you release the line too early it will "plunk" down in front of you but if you throw it out and release it, it will fly a long way out. I told him how the Lord had shown me this and that casting takes patience... even in fishing. Sometimes you have to practice and throw the line out several times before it hits the right spot and you are able to catch a fish. I saw how releasing our cares and worries to the Lord is like this in that it takes practice because sometimes we want to pull the rod and line back too quickly... sometimes we don't get them thrown all the way out to the Lord... somethings are easier to release and let go of but other things... are harder. When we cast our cares on Him and release them to His capable hands.... we are rewarded with something far greater then we can imagine. Sometimes, our reward is little but sometimes the reward is great.

Here I am Lord, casting and releasing my cares and those I care about on You. I release them into Your most capable hands because I know You are able to take care of them far better then I can. I know You have a plan and a purpose for all of our lives and I know that not a single detail slips by you. By releasing... I look forward to the greatness of the return that will come back to me in due time... Help me to have patience to wait on Your timing in everything that concerns me and may I trust YOU in all things... at all times....

God has a plan...

2009-04-29T00:23:00.004-05:00

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord... 11 years ago God spoke this verse to my heart so loud and so clear... it got me through the most difficult time of my life... the loss of our son. Many times over the course of the years He brings it back to my rememberance... as a reminder that no matter how things look, He has a plan. Sometimes though, I don't always see it when I am in the midst of the terrible storms of life....

In looking back over the last several months, after I cried all the tears, there were many times I struggled but in the struggling part of me tried to see God in the midst of everything. Even though I didn't understand... somewhere I knew that God MUST have a plan in this. There are some things I still don't understand but slowly I am beginning to see some good come of this. Like, my friend's husband now works with a man who is a Christian and has lunch with him every day. That was the most amazing thing to me and it blessed me so much!

After interviewing for another department almost three weeks ago, I came out of the interview unsure of what the outcome would be. Daily I would ask God for HIS wisdom and direction. Specifically I would ask Him to please close the door where He didn't want me to be. I was open to whatever the decision would be whether that meant I was to stay in my department or move on to something new. In the midst of my waiting I received this amazing award that still overwhelms me at times. By the end of last week, with no word on the position I interviewed for and feeling less and less like I wanted it, I again asked the Lord to close the door if that wasn't where He wanted me. Like Abraham I told Him, if you don't go with me then I don't want to go at all. I also was beginning to feel that to take the new position would almost be like a slap in the face for all those people who SO wanted me to be selected for the award I had received... I was torn. I was willing to stay but I was willing to leave too....

Monday I finally received the email that stated that someone else had been selected for the position and I felt... RELIEF and thankfulness. One by one I began telling people that I was staying and each time... they were happy.... and I was truly happy as well. It was so strange because at one point I was asking God why I had felt so strongly that I was to let go of what once was and step into something new... when I wasn't going anywhere. I began to see that while I might not be leaving my department... I AM going somewhere.... "the waters are no longer stagnant" as I was told in my Saturday morning Bible Study.

I believe that in the moment in the stairwell when He told me to let go of all that I had been holding so tightly to... and as I released what had been.... a change took place in my heart... and I stepped into the plan God has for me. I'm not sure where all this will go but one thing I do know... God has a plan. While I may not understand what He's doing... I know that I can trust Him.... and I know that no matter what... He IS with me.

What an awesome, comforting thing to know that God has a plan and that He IS walking each step with me. He's so good and so faithful!

Sadie...

2009-04-24T22:02:00.002-05:00

Hmmm... I think we all look for someone (live and in person) to ask our questions to because... like Eve, we want answers and understanding! Sometimes though... it's nice to have a place to go and ask our questions... just to throw it out there for multiple opinions at once.

I have this bloggy-friend who has stopped over here from time to time and I, likewise, have stopped over to her blog from time to time. This bloggy-friends name is Sheryl and she has an amazing story. I don't know all of it but I do know that she is an inspiration and I know she hears the Lord when He speaks. She is trusting Jesus in this new journey her life has her on... A life of singleness... following hand in hand with the One who loves her most. She is starting this new day with a new blog titled "Go Ask Sadie". You can find a link to her blog in my Blogroll to the right or click here (if it works) http://goasksadie.blogspot.com where you can ask Sadie (her alter ego) any question you might have. Currently, there is a give away going on and even if I don't win, I admire her heart to obey the Lord and GIVE even when she doesn't have much to give.

May God richly bless Sheryl in her New Day!!

this week in review...

2009-04-24T19:37:00.003-05:00

"Don't be afraid for I AM with you. I AM with when things are going well and I AM with you when things appear to not be going well. In any and every situation you encounter... remember... Don't be afraid for I AM with you."

The Father has been whispering these words to me on many occasions recently but it seems especially so this week. When my heart is pounding and anxious thoughts are racing through my head I hear, "Don't be afraid for I AM with you". When things are going well and I'm a little suspicious... I hear, "Don't be afraid for I AM with you". When I'm afraid I may have messed up in some way I hear, "Don't be afraid for I AM with you and I will take care of everything". It has amazed me how each time... a peace flooded my heart.

This week has been rather interesting to say the very least. In the midst of a HUGE amount of money passing before my eyes a man walks down my row and congratulates me. Now, this man isn't just any man. This man is former military and walks with much authority. I have always been a little afraid of him because he's one of the big-wigs. "Why is he congratulating me?", I wonder. I am most confused and dumbfounded but of course I just say, "Thank you". Someone wants to take my picture with him? WHY? What's going on? These questions are racing through my mind but I simply say, "Oh, okay" and stand up to have my picture taken. I make a little joke only to notice my entire department has now stood up and is looking at me... mind you this is not just a few people but a LOT of people are all looking at me!! Embarrassment flushes my face and I quickly take my seat. "What's this for?" Someone asks me but I still have no idea what's going on! When my manager tells me I've won I am in shock!! I was nominated by my peers as someone who is outstanding in service and leadership and I won! Now, this is amazing because no one from our department has won this award and what this means for our department, our team is HUGE! At first (not to sound ungrateful or anything) I was horrified because I had wanted my assistant manager to win for all the turmoil she has carried us through the last several months! Surely someone had made a mistake! Since the week has progressed I realize.... what a significant honor this is.... and I feel like Joseph must have felt when Potiphar asked him to be the 2nd in command. All this recognition has been hard for me to handle because for nine years I have just gone about my job... doing my job.... for my bosses and for the Lord. To suddenly be recognized is almost more then I can comprehend. I'm still a little overwhelmed.

I don't share all of this to proclaim my greatness or anything like that I just share this because I saw this week the evidence of the favor of the Lord on my life and... there's a scripture that talks about having favor with God and man... and I feel like I'm walking in that and I am amazed at the goodness of God.

Later in the week there was a moment of fear when I saw my name in the middle of a long email chain addressed to several of the upper level management team. I really wish I would stop receiving all this attention because I am only human and I do make mistakes! (Lord knows I do!!) Fear floods my heart and mind and suddenly I hear the Father whisper in my ear again, "Don't be afraid for I AM with you and will take care of you no matter what the circumstances." I realized in that moment that whether I receive the highest honors or whether I loose my job for some mistake... the Lord IS with me and will ALWAYS fight for me and watch out for me. If lies are spoken about me... "No weapon formed against me will prosper". If I receive recognition, it's for the Glory of the Lord. Either way... He IS with me!

Today I saw the verse played out that says, "Vengence is mine says the Lord". We were informed that the person responsible for causing so much chaos in our department was let go. While I'm sorry she lost her job, there is also a part of me that knows, the Lord judged the unrighteous behavior and decisions this person had been making over the course of the last several months. I thought about how I would feel if I lost my job and I realized that even in those circumstances, the Lord is with me and He is my source and most importantly I have the assurance that He IS with me.

Here I am this evening amazed at the Hand of God... amazed at His goodness... amazed at how HE turns things around for our good and His Glory... amazed and comforted by the fact that the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the Lord God Almighty IS with me. He walks with me and talks with me and shares each and every moment of my days. I am amazed at His love for me. I am amazed that He has time for little me and I'm amazed that He really does care about every little detail of my life. I am amazed that He loves me and will ALWAYS be with me.

I pray that you will see His goodness in such amazing and tangible ways. I pray that if you are going through a hard time that you will just... hold onto His Hand for He loves and cares for you SO much. I know that He will take care of you and He will shield you in the midst of the storm you are facing. When things look the darkest... hold on because "Here comes the Son" and it will be all right.

It's been a good week! FINALLY!!! Thank you Jesus for ALL you have done for me. Thank you for your hand that's upon me and may this award only bring Glory to YOUR name!! I lay it at YOUR feet because all the glory and honor and recognition goes to you.

ah... the silence...

2009-04-17T20:50:00.004-05:00

Sometimes there's nothing like the quiet of the house... well almost quiet. Doug's fish tank next to me needs to be filled so it's a little on the noisey side!

In thinking about silence tonight I was thinking on how to some... the silence can be a little frightening. They hear strange noises and are filled with fear. To some... the silence is peaceful and calming from all the noise that surrounds. I like times by myself because work is filled with stress and questions and at home... I see so much to do or I have people talking to me. I like the quiet though because in those moments... I hear Jesus whisper in my ear and when I don't... I feel His presence and it comforts me.

Sometimes, though, in the silence His voice speaks deeply to my heart and I am face to face with my sin... like last night. I had shared information that wasn't really necessary to share and I was convicted by the sin of gossip. As I was walking into class the Lord started speaking to my heart. I repented of sharing things I shouldn't share and thought, "bad habits are hard to break"... and this scripture began to roll through my head:

"I want to do what is right but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway..."

This was always a brain-twister for me because I couldn't grasp it but last night... I did and it was like the two-edge sword His word is... However, this is the next part:

"I have discovered this principle of life - that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably, do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now... there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Sprit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." (Romans 7:18-8:2)

...and in the silence I realized... I'm just an over-weight woman who gossips and worries when I should trust but Thank God! Jesus Christ is my answer and He can save me from this sin and death! ... oh to trust Him more!

I am a sinner saved by His grace and I am Chosen and loved by Him!

Hallelujah!

listening... in the silence...

2009-03-31T21:58:00.003-05:00

Today my mind raced with questions... where do You want me Lord? Have I learned all that You have wanted me to learn from this hard place? Are You calling me out or am I just looking for the easy way? What do You want me to do? Where are You in the midst of all of this? The only answer I have received was to the last question... Where are You? "I am right here with You."

I went to shadow with the potential new team this afternoon and once I was finished I went to the truck and called my husband. I just want to be where God wants me to be and right now... I'm not really sure where that is. I'm not sure if this opportunity is from God or if it's a distraction. Will it be a blessing or a catastrophe?

A couple of things have been brought across my path... blogs on waiting and then an article this morning on clutter and chaos... so I'm pondering... on the basics once again.

In the midst of clutter there is chaos. When things are out of order, when we have too much clutter going on in our houses... there is chaos. It's the same in our hearts. When there are too many activities and too much "stuff"... we feel overwhelmed and like things are in turmoil.... chaos. The article discussed "spring cleaning" tips. From a spiritual standpoint though the only way to find peace in the midst of chaos is to be still... to take time to focus on what's really important and He will help You sort out what needs to go.... What things have I allowed to build up that really aren't necessary? What things am I holding on to... things I think are important... which really aren't?

To borrow the prayer posted by Wendy Blight on her blog... I've changed the we/our's to I/my:

"Heavenly Father, I kneel before Your throne in heaven knowing You are the God of Heaven's Armies, the Great I AM, the Almighty God. I do believe in You. I love You, Lord. But in my place of wait, in my place of sorrow and confusion, I need help with my unbelief. Help me to surrender my questions to You, to really and truly leave them with You. Help me to trust in You with all of my heart, to lean not on my own understanding (or the understanding of others like friends, family, bosses) but in all my ways, help me acknowledge You and believe You when You promise that You will direct my path. Direct my path today, Lord. In clear and obvious ways, reveal that You are at work in the midst of everything. Thank You that You care deeply about every detail of my life. Thank You that You are sovereign over every circumstance. Thank You that You are never surprised. Thank You that You are ABLE. I will wait on Your wisdom, direction and a might work of Your Hand." It just seemed so fitting.

My own prayer is:

"Dear Father, in the midst of all the chaos raging around me, help me to stop and re-focus my eyes on You. Help me to remember to give thanks to You for you ARE good. Thank You that Your love is faithful and endures forever. Thank You that Your word promises over and over to me that when I am distressed I can pray to You and You will answer me and set me free. Thank You that You are always for me so I really don't have anything to be afraid of. Thank You that You will help me in every situation, every circumstance that comes my way. I know that not everything is for me to understand and that most of the time... I just have to trust You. To lean on and rely on You and not my own understanding. Thank You for reminding me that it is always better to take refuge in You rather than to trust in people to protect me. With all my heart I want Your blessing... please close the doors that You don't want me to go through... close them so no man can open them and open the doors You want me to go through... I will wait for Your wisdom, Your direction... Show me Your ways... Your path.... I will trust in You as I wait for You..."

Work hard. Take a break. Long Weeked...

2009-03-27T10:43:00.003-05:00

I am on a long weekend - four days off - due to the encouragement of several people to take some time off from work. One of my work friends talks to me about having some "me" time during my days off... So for the last hour or so I have had some quiet time catching up on some of my favorite blogs. It's been wonderful!

In my reading time... the first one I visited was Felicity's. The first post I read inspired my title of today's post. I love reading her blog because she has such great thoughts... she's really an intelligent woman and has such a busy life with all her little kids!

The second blog I visited was Serenity's. I love her blog because she talks about her family but then throws in little things about what she loves. On Serenity's blog I was reminded of the song, "Here comes the Sun" and Natasha Richardson... (I always will remember her in Parent Trap too) While reading her post about the song and sunny days coming after the hard days of grief and loss... the Lord gave me this cool version of the title... Here comes the Son... In the midst of our dark days... eventually His light breaks through and reminds us of His goodness and His presence... Here comes the Son! and I smiled...

Then I went to Kathy's (she's their mom)... I'm so blessed by these women and so very thankful that God brought them into my life. They inspire me because they are excellent writer's and wonderful mother's. They love their children and their God and they tell about... I pray that I can touch people's lives like they have touched mine without even knowing it.

Then I visited Cheri's (who introduced me to these wonderful women) and was touched by the reminder that I am not an orphan... and that God's presence is always with me. I love how God gives us verses to speak so profoundly to our hearts. I love His kindness and goodness towards us in giving us good friends to hug us in the hard times and pray us through when we are struggling. I love how through my friends He gives me little reminders of His love for me... and how He has never left me and will never leave me alone.

I just wanted to share with you these thoughts that have inspired me already this morning. What a blessing to be able to take a break and just BE... to have some "me" time in the quietness of my home.... to just read and ponder... to feel as though I have sat with several of my friends in just a short time... now I will Selah [pause and calmly think of that]! and enjoy some quiet time with my Lord and thank Him for His goodness some more...

changes....

2009-03-26T21:13:00.004-05:00

Changes are taking place all around me...

Spring is trying to come forth but then... a cold snap has hit. I love spring and yet... I must wait a little longer.

Three weeks ago I lost a second boss and dear friend at work...

a new manager stepped in... and now she is gone as well.

In the same three week time span I have felt a deep grief and now gradually I am beginning to feel a peace which passes all understanding flooding my heart and mind.

This week...

Monday - I was told about a position in a different department that just opened. I contemplated and began to pray.

Tuesday - I was walking down the steps and had been asking God what to do about this new development and my team (friends) that I am so used to. I was also thinking about the defensiveness I have felt lately at work... suddenly I heard Him say to me, "There is a time to embrace and a time to let go. There was a time to embrace the people and the job you do here but now is the time to let go." I realized I had been holding so tightly to what I know and the people I know... I had taken it all on as my own... and He was telling me it was time to let go. It is time to let the old things pass away so that new things can begin. With a deep breath I decided to complete the interest form and submit it to my new manager for her review... She left early for the day so I sent it to her after she left.

Wednesday - Our new manager announced to the team that she had put in her resignation. She had told me the day before as she was leaving but told me she would be happy to review my interest form. We met briefly to discuss her leaving and my interest in this position and she was very encouraging. She told me she thought this would be a good move for me and she would do all she could to help me out. She added her notes to the form and submitted it shortly thereafter.

Today - One of my friends from the new department suggested I come and shadow with them. So I connected with my manager and the manager of the new department... Tuesday next week I'll go and meet the team and will see... I hope it goes well but also... I have a peace that no matter what... even if the door closes and once again I wonder if I really heard Him right... I know that He is in control and that His timing is always perfect. He has a purpose and a plan in ALL things and nothing takes Him by surprise... not even loosing three managers in 6 weeks!

Tonight I begin a much needed four day weekend. I am looking forward to the time away from work to just be able to BE. Tonight... I submit it all into His loving Hands. I cast all of my concerns, thoughts, stress, duties and LIFE in His most capable Hands and as I take a deep breath... I leave it there. Thank you Lord for taking everything and for the peace in know that You will work all things together for my good and for Your glory. I love you!!

encouragement today...

2009-03-24T06:50:00.002-05:00

1 Peter 5:7:

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall or fail).

Just verses to remember during the overwhelming times of life. God is so good in bringing these to me this morning. The first was in an email I received a few weeks ago... probably when I wasn't fully ready to receive it... that I re-read this morning. Isn't He so faithful and kind to us?

my thoughts tonight...

2009-03-23T21:59:00.004-05:00

So these are my thoughts tonight... right or wrong... it's where I'm at.

I'm taking a basic math class this quarter as a step in the direction of catching up to where I need to be to even consider the Physical Therapy program. One of the first nights the instructor said this is a basic math class because sometimes you have to "go back in order to go forward". Sometimes you have to go back and review the basics before you can move forward into new things. I found it interesting because our church is doing a study on being emotionally healthy and it has referred to "going back in order to go forward" as well. For the study at church it's about going back to things in your past that maybe causing a blockage in your movement forward spiritually.

Now when it comes to everything I've been dealing with at work and how I've felt over the last couple of months... I'm not sure if there is some hidden event that ties into all of this emotion but I have been reflecting a lot lately. I feel like there is a possibility that because of who I am and the times of grief and loss that maybe... some of this emotion might be pent up frustration and anger. However, I haven't gotten any specific "thing" that it's tied to. I have realized that in most of the times of loss I've had to "get through" it and maybe haven't faced things fully.

What I came to today while I was pondering on all of this is that if there isn't an "event" God wants to bring healing to then maybe I just need to go back to the basics... which are:

~ God's love towards me is unconditional, never ending and never changing. He loves me and accepts me no matter what the circumstance may say.

~ God has a plan and a purpose for my life and His plans are always good and not for evil.

~ Whenever God allows the storms to invade our lives it's because He wants to bring good out of it... for our good and for His glory. The storms of life are to draw us to Him... to help us bring our focus back to Him rather than focusing on the storm.

~ I realized maybe for the first time that Jesus was angry and wept at the death and loss of His friend Lazurus... I don't think I ever fully SAW that He was also angry. I think I always felt like anger was a sin and that the only time Jesus was angry was when the money-changers invaded the temple. Jesus felt anger on more than one occasion... anger is a part of experiencing a loss... it's a part of the grieving process. It's okay to be angry... the sin is when we hold onto that anger and let it consume us... anger then takes hold and we become bitter in the process... That's not what God desires. He desires that we bring that anger to Him and allow Him to take it and heal us in the process.

~ Loosing my friends at work was extremely difficult... harder than what I had expected. I was angry and wanted to blame anyone.... even God. I couldn't understand the reasoning behind it... I couldn't see how good could come of this when we are in tough times, neither of them have a job and they both have families.... I hear the Lord whisper to my heart... "I will take care of them. I will provide for them." I have to release my anger and grief and sadness.... but I also have to release them into His care. There is a time to embrace.... and a time to let go... now is the time to let go and let God.

~ I also have to get back to the basics of holding on to scripture through the storm... I was given Philippians 4:6-9:

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now... fix your thoughts on what is true, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me - everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."

~ Think on good things... so many times it's easy to just focus on the bad stuff.... but that just sucks you into a vortex... because when you only focus on the bad... things just seem to get worse. However, when you focus on the good... even though it's hard at first... the more you do... the more you climb up out of the muck.... and before long... things are looking bright again.

I don't have all the answers and I still don't understand all of the "why's" but I know one of the basics to remember is that God knows and He understands everything... and that's all that really matters.

Sunday in Church the Pastor talked about the two trees in the garden. The tree of Life and the tree of the Knowledge of good and evil.... One tree was to bring Life while the other tree brought death. God didn't intend for us to have the knowledge (or understanding) of good and evil because it leads to death. In trying to understand... in trying to gain more than what God wanted us to have... we tasted death. What I saw was the more I tried to understand the right from wrong in the situation... the more I died inside. The more I wanted to understand and focused on what I thought was good and evil... the more angry and bitter I became. When I choose Life... when I choose to trust God instead of my own understanding.... peace comes and Life begins again.

I don't want to be angry and bitter about any of the losses I've experienced in my life. I want to instead choose Life... and His peace. I turn over my anger and my own understanding to Him. He knows and understands and I trust that He has a purpose in all of this and.... I'm okay with that! I feel like peace is beginning to return and life is beginning to bloom again...

Lord, please continue to guide me in the process of letting go and letting you take care of everything. Help me to turn over to you ALL of my cares and concerns. I trust you to have my best in mind... even when I don't understand. I love you Lord and just want to trust you more. Forgive me for trying to lean on my own understanding... and help me to lean more on You.

His peace exceeds anything I can understand...

surrender...

2009-03-16T22:33:00.002-05:00

This was written in my devotional this evening:

"...stopping to surrender to God in trust... Adam and Eve legitimately worked and enjoyed their achievements in the Garden. They were to embrace their limits, however, and not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They were not to try to see and know that which belongs to Almighty God."

I believe this is what the Lord is trying to say to me.... stop trying to see and know all things... stop trying to understand everything that's going on because not everything is yours to understand. Surrender to me in trust... trust Me to have a plan and a purpose that you can't see at this time. Trust Me to take care of you and to protect you in spite of the way things may appear. ...Trust Me.

"Lord, help me to grab hold of You." I lift my hands to You. Pick me up to walk in your footsteps once again. I will trust in You.

One step at a time... following along as You lead me. Trusting.... even when I don't understand. May I trust in YOU rather than what I might think is best.... it's SO hard sometimes! I will trust in You...

Songs...

2009-03-15T22:31:00.004-05:00

So in the dark times of my life God has always given me a scripture or a song or CD to carry me through. Yesterday I was at my Bible Study with some new friends and they prayed over me and for me... it was amazing. One woman asked me if I had scriptures that I could tape up to help me through this season... I don't really have any yet. I guess because I'm still wondering what God is doing in this whole deal. I'm filled with questions and answers aren't really coming yet.

After Bible Study my sisters took me for several hours of pampering... the three of us went to get manicures & pedicures done.... it was a really nice surprise. However, the guy had to tell me several times to relax.... evidently I'm a little stressed out?! =) Afterwards we went to lunch and then they took me home so I could take a nap.

After supper out with friends I had my husband take me to the Christian bookstore because I felt I needed to pick up a CD. When I got there, I walked in the door and this bracelet stuck out to me. It has two chains with hearts on them... it's hard to describe but the one of the hearts has the word "Love" written on it. I felt the Lord telling me to get it and that each time I wore it... it would serve as a reminder of His Love for me. It felt like a gift from Him... especially since it was the only one like it. I then went back to the music department and started looking at CD's. I picked out a few with songs that we have been singing lately in church but they didn't seem to be "the one" for this season. I then texted my friend Cheri to ask about a CD she has been listening to... that's the CD I ended up buying. The artist is Kari Jobe.

As I was listening this morning this one song just kept drawing me so I repeated it several times. Later at Church there was an altar call for healing which included people that needed healing in their emotions as well as for physical healing. I went forward and the worship team started to sing.... the very same song I had listened to over and over before Church this morning... I knew God was speaking to me through this song and that I was to begin singing it as a declaration. The song is:

Healer:

You hold my every moment. You calm my raging seas. You walk with me

through fire and heal all my disease. I trust in You I trust in You

I believe You're my healer. I believe You are all I need.

I believe You're my portion. I believe You're more than enough for me.

Jesus, You're all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You. Nothing is impossible for you.

Nothing is impossible for You.

You hold my world in Your hands.

It's a song that brings me back to the truth that I know... He knows every detail of every moment of every day. He will calm the storm around me. He is walking through this fire with me and I will not be burned and He will heal my heart and my dis-ease. I can trust Him even when I don't understand what He's doing. I believe He's my healer. I believe He is all I need and that He is more than enough for me. I believe that nothing is impossible for Him.

I'm not sure what He's doing right now... maybe it's to heal me of past hurts that I'm not aware of. Maybe it's to reorder things and make things right. Maybe it's just a part of His plan and I just need to trust Him. I'm reminded of the scripture that His ways are not our ways and that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. I don't understand and I may never understand but He does... and that needs to be enough... it's becoming enough. I'm reminded also of the scripture that says:

Isaiah 43:2

When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God.

The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I believe... He will be with me and I believe... He watches over me and will take care of me. I believe... He has a plan... even in all of this. So I will follow Him.... even through the valley.

whispers in my ear...

2009-03-11T21:59:00.004-05:00

So because of the busy-ness of my days... God speaks to me at the funniest times. For example... a little background for you... I get these "blemishes" (as my Mother used to call them) on my chin area. The problem is they aren't like most people's... they get this hard center in them. The other night I was examining one (I get them when I'm really stressed) and trying to get the hard part out (because it gets really sore if I don't) God whispered in my ear... "Your heart is like that center. Inside there is a part that is hard. In order to get it out... there will be pain and soreness. You will bleed and it will hurt but if you don't get it out, it will just return. It will continue to come back and will continue to fester until it's dealt with. I want to deal with this so you can heal. If you don't let me get it out... it will come back again." Tonight as I was in a small group He spoke to me again about the hardness in my heart... He showed me the hardness is anger that I've held in for a long time... Yesterday I looked at my blemish and saw... in the center.... is a little tiny white spot... that will once again fester and get sore.

When He showed me the condition of my heart in such detail... I was deeply saddened... I don't want my heart to be hard. I want to be soft and pliable to His leading. I don't want anger to reside there... festering under the surface. I want Him to deal with my heart... I know it will hurt... it has been hurting.... I know there's more there that He wants to get out... so He can get to the root of the matter. I am laying myself before Him so He can get the hardness of my heart out so healing can come... deep within.

I ask simply for your prayers... that I will be open to the work He's doing and that in that work... freedom will come.

the hard place....

2009-03-08T16:54:00.003-05:00

Looking at the date of my last post... February 15th... is it possible that it's really been that long since I last wrote on this little blog of mine? So much has happened since then. I had my 43rd birthday and things have gone downhill from there! No, it's not connected but at the same time it's been since then that I have entered into a very hard and painful time.

I had been off for the weekend and had a nice break from the daily stuff of work and then I returned to the announcement being made that layoffs would be taking place. 190 people were about to loose their jobs. Only... we had to wait a week from the time of the announcement until the actual moment the whole process began. It was agonizing! We wondered who would be chosen. In some ways I wanted to be selected... pick me... someone who wants to leave to go back to school rather than choosing someone who maybe the single parent or the sole breadwinner in their household. Pick me rather than someone who has a family member with health issues where this insurance covers them. Pick me... and yet... I knew I had no say in the matter.

The day finally came when the layoffs began. The first day it was in another building... tech people were affected. The next day they came to our building... and my Senior manager was the first to be walked out. I saw him walk by but thought he was going to get something... and then later we received a call from him. He had been chosen. I tried to be strong for my manager who was struggling and afraid for her job. I tried not to fall apart but as the day wore on I grew angrier. Finally as the day was done I walked past his desk on my way to the bathroom and saw someone packing his personal belongings... I went to the bathroom and sobbed....

I've been with this company for almost 9 years. This man hired me, kept my job for me as my son went through Leukemia, fought battles for me, encouraged me, gave me responsibilities because he knew he could trust me to do it right, he was my boss for the majority of my time here. He moved to the Senior Manager role almost 2 years ago and filled those shoes nicely... although the upper level management didn't like the job he did.... and so... they let this man with so much knowledge... this man who cared about his associates... they let this man go and then tried to lie and say the position had been eliminated..... which in fact, they already had the next person lined up to step in. I was mad.

My manager was safe for the time being. We encountered many changes after the layoffs. A new Senior Manager, a process change, our team moved to the other end of the building where we got new phones, smaller desks, new seating arrangement... it was a lot for me to handle and I wasn't doing well. Slowly the dust began to settle and I was beginning to accept that things had to continue and that somehow I had to get my head above water and see a different perspective. Then one day 2 weeks ago... my direct manager and dear friend... was fired.

As I was packing up her desk (because I didn't want anyone else touching her stuff) I was shaking and grieving. Dan being laid off was like a death and now this... this was 2 in less then a month... it was more than I could handle. The woman who fired my manager (and friend) came and tried to offer... some kind of consolation but I unleashed... I knew what had happened and how they had been set up. I knew the upper level management had an agenda and Dan & Briget didn't fit in any more. Two good people with so much knowledge.... gone.... and our team was a mess.... and the upper level didn't care! "Well, we'll need all of you to pull together and think of our clients now"!! Are you kidding me?!?

Since then... I've been processing... walking the road of grief and loss all over again. They weren't just my bosses... they were my friends... but they were also like family to me. It's true... I haven't been dealing very well with it all and it shows on my face and in my body language.

Our church is doing this series on being emotionally healthy and it's God's timing that it's going on right now when I'm dealing with so much. I've cried so much in the last 30 days... everyday since the layoffs... I'm tired and weary from my grief and the loss of my friends. I know... just like in death this is probably a good thing for them and I know Dan looks like the guy I knew when I first started working there... his smile is back... but at the same time... I deal daily with their absence. Just like in death you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on in this "new normal" that is hard and a place you don't want to be. I know that at some point I will see God's goodness in all of this but for right now... I'm struggling. I know He's there and I know He wants to hold me but part of me doesn't FEEL Him... doesn't see Him in this. My heart is broken.... I hurt.... and once again I need the warm blanket of His love and grace to surround me.

I know.... He lives. I know... He has a plan and a purpose in everything He causes us to go through. I know... He will use this for my good and His glory. I know... He loves me even in this. I know... He loves me in the midst of my hurt. I know... He's still holding my hands... but for right now... I've fallen on my behind side and I'm crying because it hurts. Jesus please pick me up again and lead me on in your plans and purposes for my life. Please pick me up and show me that you're still there... loving me and holding me. Jesus take care of Dan & Briget and their families. Be their provider and help them to learn to trust You in all of this. Help ME to trust you in the midst of all of this.

Thank you for reading... and for praying for me like I know you will...

Bonnelle

...more on Joseph and Moses...

2009-02-15T20:55:00.003-06:00

Tonight as I was having some alone time with Jesus He showed me some more things about Joseph and Moses.

Joseph had this dream and it was confirmed to him several times... but things didn't happen immediately. He spent some time in prison... more than once. We aren't told how he felt. Was he frustrated? Did he question God? Was he angry? The Bible doesn't say but his story reveals a man of integrity. A man who worked hard in spite of where he was. A man who found favor in the eyes of his superiors. A man that God blessed and worked through in the midst of the waiting period. Even though he was wrongly accused by Potiphar's wife... God honored his diligence and blessed him in spite of how things may have looked.

Even Moses, God blessed him in the training grounds of being a shepherd. When God called him, he was afraid. Afraid of making the same mistakes, afraid of not being believed, afraid of being laughed at or questioned... even in his fear, God called him and he obeyed. When Pharaoh ignored his requests to let the Isrealites go, Moses would talk to God about it and listen for the next step instructions.

What I saw tonight in both cases was that neither man forced his way or his ideas. Neither man kicked and screamed to get his way. Both were patient and waited on God. Both men allowed God to have HIS way and allowed God to work in their lives according to His plans and purposes. Both men were honored by God and both men found favor in the eyes of those who were in authority over them.

I want to be that way. I want to be patient and follow God's lead. When the time comes where I do get to leave my current job, I want to leave on good terms, in good standing with my superiors. I want to continue to do my job and to do it well in a manner that honors God. I don't necessarily care to be lifted up or promoted or cast in the lime-light but I do want to please God in all that I do... where ever He has me.

Help me Lord to think on good things... the things that are good, right and true... things that are honorable. Help me to have a good attitude. Help me not to be sucked in by negativity but help me to focus instead on Your word and the truth of Your Word. When negativity is spoken around me... help me to zero in on the truth of Your Word and what You are saying to me in that moment, in that situation.

Then a song began to run through my head and heart:

Create in me a clean heart, oh God.

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence oh Lord.

Take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me, the joy of Your salvation...

and renew a right spirit within me.

Taken from Psalm 51:10-12

Create in me a clean heart Lord... one that honors You and has a right attitude. Restore my joy and help me dwell on the good, right and true things.

"First things first"

2009-02-14T22:58:00.007-06:00

Last Sunday I was invited to a Bible study by a friend I haven't seen in a while. As we were standing and talking to one another she felt impressed to invite me to this study... on Hannah. The study is called, "Hannah - Entrusting Your Dreams to God"... Yes, I went because obviously God is wanting me to trust HIM with this dream that He has dropped in my heart.

So I went today and met a new group of women... women I know will become my friends. As we read through the discussion questions we came to a part that caused me to pause.... I have been rather frustrated lately with the whole idea of staying where I'm at for a year and taking classes part-time. I have been frustrated with the work situations and stresses that have been going on.... too many transitions at once. I have just wanted to leave and start over with something new... and frustrated with the possibility that God truly does want me to stay where I am for a while yet. When I read the following portion of the study... it was like God was speaking directly to me.

"When we finally recognize or articulate the dream within us, it's common to push the fast-forward button and rush headlong into pursuing it. And our intentions can be good: the need is great; time seems to be passing quickly; people are urging us onward; we see other "dreamers" galloping ahead of us and we want to catch up.

But God may have other plans. Before we jump headlong into the dream (or even as we start to pursue it) He wants to take care of "first things first." He may guide us through a change process, transforming us before He alters our circumstances. Like Hannah, He might want us to mold our desires to reflect His purpose in the world. Or He may want to free us from a destructive habit or attitude. Or he could deepen us spiritually before we wade into new challenges. Whatever the case, we're stepping closer to our dreams when we cooperate with rather than fight this process."

I realized.... it's my attitude He's after. To smile in the midst of taking baby steps toward the dream. To be a light in the midst of what I may see as chaos... to have a good and Godly attitude in spite of how things appear. This is not easy and I have been trying to fight it... but in the process... all I'm doing is frustrating myself more.

Lord, soften my heart and help me with my attitude at work and at home. Help me to yield to Your leading and not try to run ahead before I'm ready. I want to move forward in Your timing... not mine. I want to follow in Your footsteps and not try to take the steps on my own. Help me to wait for You. Help me not to FORCE my way.... Not my will but Yours be done in my life, in my work and in this dream You have placed on my heart.

I love You Lord and I long to trust You more...

Details and baby steps...

2009-02-10T22:00:00.007-06:00

The last couple of days my Bible readings have had me in the section of the Old Testament that discusses the Tabernacle. Now... I have to admit that a lot of times when I have read this... it's seemed slightly boring to me. These last two days though I have noticed something different... God is really into details. As I was pondering on that thought this morning He brought back a moment in time where someone spoke to me and said, "God cares about all the little details of your life". How cool it is to know that He cares about all the little details... each one... and He doesn't miss a single thing. This is important to me because I have been described as a detail-oriented person and I tend to spot things others miss. If I can see things others miss... How much more God sees! It's amazing! I am so thankful that I can leave the little details of my life to Him to take care of. He will spot when things don't look right and He will take care of them before they cause too many problems. He also knows the best way to take care of all the little details... the ones that are important to me along with the ones that I'm not even aware of. He's amazing!

The other thing He spoke to my heart about today was in regard to the baby steps I am taking. As I was walking tonight He showed me a picture of a little girl learning how to walk. You know the scene.... she's so little and her arms are stretched high above her head holding onto the BIG fingers that are leading her along. With each tentative step she holds on... and is held on to.

He's leading me... step by step... and He's holding on to my hands each step of the way. He will show me the way to go and He won't let go of my hands. When I stumble... He'll be there to pick me up again.

At times... I feel like I'm taking those baby steps. Other times I feel like I've slipped and I'm sitting on my behind side. Other times I feel like I'm crawling along... crawling towards Him... to where He reaches down and lifts me back up again and we take another step together.

On the face of this little girl I see a big smile... a smile knowing she's doing it! I feel that smile when I take another little step. Yesterday I registered for the Math class I will be taking this quarter - I start March 5th. Tonight I went and looked at the book I will need to get - it's expensive! I smile though because it's one more step in the right direction... moving forward step by baby step.

The final thing He showed me was... when you are walking with a toddler who is learning to walk... you are standing over her.... hovering... watching her face, her feet and each step she takes. My Father is like that... He hovers over me with His love. He's watching my face, my feet and each step I take and He is rejoicing with me! ... each step of the way. I can almost hear Him cheering me on! "You can do it! One more step! Hang on! You're doing it!"

He truly is amazing... isn't He?

A God reminder...

2009-02-04T09:23:00.007-06:00

This morning I received a God reminder of who I used to be... of who I am... of what He has placed on the inside of me. There is a little older lady named Helen who works here with me and 7 years ago she had a sister who was dying of cancer. She had shared this with me and I told her I would pray for her and her sister and her sister's family. I couldn't get her out of my mind so I asked for her address and I went and visited her one day. Out of the blue, the Lord dropped in my heart to take her some flowers and spend some time with her... so I did.

Helen reminded me of this incident this morning and it blessed me and caused me to pause.... I realized once again that somewhere along the line I lost a piece of that person while being here. These people are human and they have lives and family outside of work. They have people they care about who are hurting. One gal I talked to last night in Texas has a Grandma that's dying of cancer and I talked to her for almost 30 minutes... just listening to her heart and the love she has for her Grandma.

This is who I am... I have compassion and empathy placed in me by my Father. This is the Jesus on the inside of me and I believe... I am tapping into that once again. I believe... God is causing it to resurface and that it's time... to be that again. I want to see the people around me as people who have needs and hurts and wounds... that need the touch of the Master.

I am excited when I think about the Physical Therapy program. I'm excited about this goal to pursue and achieve and yet at times... it seems overwhelming and I get a little nervous. When I turn my eyes toward Jesus though I feel His peace wash over me as He reminds me once again that through HIM I CAN do ALL things! If I just hold His hand and follow His lead, I will succeed and will pass these classes. As I seek HIM... He will lead me each step of the way and His wisdom and Grace will guide me and give me clarity. I look forward towards the goal that He has placed on the inside of me.... and I close with this wonderful quote from my devotional today:

"Do not be disturbed by your ignorance. Seek diligently after My wisdom. It will greatly enrich your life. It will bring more tranquility than any other spiritual pursuit. It will bring you greater poise and sense of values than you would ever be able to gain otherwise... Seek My wisdom, and make it the guide of your life. Let the winds blow and storms beat. Your house shall stand."

And finally...
"One event at a time. One hour at a time. One step at a time." ~~ Ruth Bell Graham.

lessons learned from Joseph & Moses...

2009-02-03T06:26:00.005-06:00

Over the last few days or so I have been reading in my one year Bible the old stories of Joseph and Moses. As I have pondered on the journey of their lives the Lord has spoken to my heart many things...

~ Joseph had a dream that one day his family would bow down to him. He didn't understand it and was made fun of for thinking such a "foolish" thing and yet... after many years... the dream was fulfilled. He wasn't prideful when that day came but instead he was humble and stated, "What you meant for evil, God has used for good"...

~ Moses wanted justice for the wrong that was being done to his fellow Hebrews and took matters into his own hands by killing an Egyptian. He meant well and yet it didn't turn out so well for him. Instead he ran and spent a long time herding sheep getting prepared for the day when God would call him to lead the Isrealites out of Egypt.

God has shown me this:

In both cases, a Godly desire and dream was planted in their hearts but it took years before it became a reality.

In both cases, God provided a time period of learning and instruction and even humbling situations.

In both cases, God provided a shelter.

In both cases, God's favor remained in spite of their outward circumstances.

Sometimes God plants a dream and that dream comes to life in a short period of time. For example, when we agreed to move here and said Yes to God... we were here in 30 days (that still amazes me!). In other cases, God plants a dream and it takes a long time before we begin to see that dream becoming a reality. Sometimes, we need to grow and learn a lot before we are ready for the responsibility of the dream.

What I believe God is bringing me to is... a point of peace either way. If He chooses this dream to be able to leave my job and go to school full-time to be right now... I have a peace about it. However, if He chooses that I remain where I work for a season and start out part-time... I have a peace about it. Either way... I am at peace. I know that God has planted this dream (know that without doubt) and because it is a God-given dream, I know He will bring it to reality in HIS timing and HIS way. I also know that because God has planted this dream in my heart He will provide... every step of the way... everything that I need.

I have a dream to be a Physical Therapist. To one day be His Hands ministering to the hurting and broken. I have a dream to one day be speaking in to the lives of people I come in contact with... without fear and having my words be His words. I have a dream to one day have His words to me fulfilled:

"You talk with your hands and expresses your heart through your hands. And in the things that are ahead of you, you will comfort, soothe, touch, teach, train, and strengthen many through your hands (wow). Your hands will be an extension of My Hands to others, and just as your hands express your heart -- they will express My heart as well."

This is my dream... this is my desire. I believe it has been planted in my heart by You Lord. I give it to You and I will trust You to fulfill it and bring it to a reality in Your time and in Your way. I believe Lord that You will provide all that I need every step of the way... including the wisdom to GET all that I have to learn! =) I trust You Lord in whatever amount of time this may take. Help me to truly be Your Hands extended..... Oh to be His Hands extended... reaching out to the opressed... let me touch Him... let me touch Jesus... so that others may know and be blessed.

a story...

2009-01-26T22:06:00.003-06:00

This weekend and today as I pondered on the Lion book and things that God has been showing me as a result of looking at things I have always felt I was afraid of... He reminded me of an incident that really goes along with facing a lion and defeating it.

A long time ago... early in our marriage... we rented a house out in the country. The owners of the house were farmers. They lived in a beautiful house a few miles away. The little house we rented from them sat on a few acres where they kept some black Anges cows. Now, I was never a big fan of cows and these cows I grew to thoroughly despise! They got out quite frequently and we would have to chase them down and get them back in the pen. One particular time these ornery devils got out and Doug and I had gotten them all in... except one. This particular one was a young bull. He wasn't quite huge yet but he was still a bull. This guy decided to be a thorn in my flesh and took off in the opposite direction of the pen. For some reason Doug stayed and closed the gate on the rest and I was the one who went after this raging, black, stubborn cow. I remember walking out to the field with a big stick in my hand. I rounded the corner and this guy was looking right at me and we had a stare down.... and then he charged... right at me. Yes, he did the stomping of his foot and CHARGED. As he was running toward me and coming fast... did I run? NO! For some reason all the anger that was pent up inside me caused my feet to be planted firmly in the ground. As he got closer and didn't let up on his speed I took my stick in my two hands and raised it out in front of me and said in a very loud voice "NO!".... and he stopped... just a few inches in front of me. We looked at each other and then he calmly turned and walked back to the pen where he belonged (and I'm pretty sure he had his tail between his legs). I followed him back to the pen and was very happy to see him locked up again. I knew that day an angel had kept that bull from running me down - he probably could have killed me but I was protected...

As I was pondering on Beneniah's story today the Lord gave me a visual picture of facing a lion. This bull was probably about the same weight of a lion and he was bent on taking me down. However, he didn't win. I realized when God brought this moment back to my mind.... I wasn't afraid of that bull. That sounds crazy and yet... it's true.

Maybe God allowed that moment in my past to be a visual aide for this moment in my present as well as in my future.

I think so many times I have been afraid of things that only appear to be huge on the outside when in reality... my God is bigger and stronger and He will take care of me. He didn't let anything happen to me that day because He wanted me to see that His protection covers me. That His angels surround me and will stand in the way of the enemy when it's necessary.

How does that apply to right now? I have always been afraid of Algebra, Biology & Chemistry because I didn't do well the first time around and yet... they're just subjects. They can't hurt me and I have God to call upon for His wisdom. Afraid of being turned down for a job or position and yet... it's just a door that closes and another one will open. I pray daily for His wisdom and the clarity to hear His voice. I have been afraid of confrontation and yet... why? Because I don't want to look foolish? God will give me the words to say... and if I look foolish to some... God will be proud of me for standing up for what I believe in. His opinion is the only one that really counts! I have been afraid of sharing my faith and the fear of not saying things in the right way to get the person to believe and yet... I'm reminded that one plants the seed, another waters and another brings the harvest. All I have to do is plant the seed and God will take care of the rest.

So with this in mind... Help me to stare down the lions and the raging bulls that come across my path. Help me to remember that You will stand in the way of the enemy and that You will take care of me. Help me to run toward those things I might be afraid of rather than running away.... and give me the courage and the strength to do all that You ask of me. Again I pray the words of the gentleman last Sunday... Open my ears to hear Your voice. Open my heart to receive Your words and I would add on, open my mouth to speak Your words. Give me the courage and the strength to do all that you ask.... and always stand between me and the lion or the bull so I don't get trampled!! =)

I love you Lord and I just want to do what You want me to.

taking time...

2009-01-24T22:56:00.003-06:00

Yes, it's true... I've been rather quiet lately. For the last two weeks I have really been seeking God on what He would have me do about my job as well as with my life. I would like to share a little bit even though I know there is so much more that is yet to be discovered.

When I was in Texas, God placed in my hands a book that He is using to change my life and my perspective on things. My nephew is a Pastor at a Church in Oklahoma and my oldest sister (his mother) is a Sunday school teacher in the same church. At the time, they were studying a book in the class and he pushed it over to me and said "You really should read this book." Over the last month or so I have been reading this book rather slowly and really pondering on what God was wanting to say to me. The book is called (because I know you are wanting to know...) "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson. Powerful book!

I'm not sure how to put everything I want to share into words so I'll try to sum up what has happened in the last two weeks.... In the book he talks about how there were ten days between the ascension of Jesus and the day of Pentecost. He posed a question that really struck me. Basically it was what if, when we are faced situations in our lives, we took ten days to really seek God on what He wanted us to do... what would happen? I was challenged by that and began really seeking God over the course of the next ten days. Last Sunday I went forward for prayer and just asked for wisdom and clarity to hear God's voice. There were two people praying for me that I had never met before. One prayed that God would open my ears to hear His voice, that He would open my heart to receive His words and that He would give me the courage and strength to do whatever He asked. Then the other person just spoke gently to me about how precious I am to the Lord and how much He loves me. It was a powerful moment.

This book talks a lot about facing your fears and chasing after them rather than running away from them. I have come to really see how fear holds me back from so much. God wants me to face those fears head on and in the process I will be changed... and will also see that I really had nothing to be afraid of.

In regards to my job... I have been so afraid of the "what if" factors that I have stayed put in a job and company that I no longer enjoy. I have stayed because of my friends and while I love them very much I have allowed them to be an excuse to stay stuck. I have been afraid of leaving what I KNOW even though for quite some time I have wanted to leave to learn new things.... I just didn't know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do.

I remember when I was about to be offered a position that I really didn't want, I told my Senior Manager that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do but I knew that it wasn't that job, I told him I felt like I should wait to figure out what it really is that I wanted to do with my life and career path. Well... I believe God has shown me what that is.

Sunday I was prayed for. Monday God dropped a dream in my heart. Wednesday we were informed that lay-offs are coming at work. Thursday I saw how there is really no concern for the associates any more. Friday I was sick to my stomach because of the lay-offs that are ahead this week and knowing there is a strong possibility that I will be loosing my manager and senior manager very soon. Last night and again today as I began sharing my dream the excitement has increased. Over the course of the week I have really felt God saying that now is the time to start really pursuing the change in what I do.

The dream... is to work part-time and go to school full-time... to be a Physical Therapist! This is HUGE for me because I have had this desire for a really long time. I was always afraid of pursuing something in the medical realm because I wasn't a very good student in High School... especially in Algebra, Biology and Chemistry which are all important classes to do well in if you want to go into the medical field! So I've always just pushed it aside and done other things that were more SAFE. I was afraid of taking those classes at this stage in my life because I didn't want to fail again. Plus, it's been so long and now I'm not so very young anymore! However, through what God has been showing me through this book is... I'm not too old and nothing is too hard when it comes to something God wants you to do! I always said I can't do that but God has clearly been saying to me that I CAN do ALL things through HIM. The final confirmation in this was when my husband said to me last night that I should talk to one of the financial aide people at Metro (the community college) to see if there was a way I could go to school full-time - this was HUGE because it showed me he was okay with this crazy dream of mine!

Today I completed an application to do a job shadow with a Physical Therapist which is recommended before entering the program to be sure it's a good fit. I also completed an application for an Office Associate in the radiology/oncology department at a local hospital. I did this just in case I still need to work full-time or if I do the shadow and don't feel it's where I belong. My second choice for school/career would be an ultrasound or x-ray technician. Either way... it's progress. Monday I'll call the school to schedule an appointment with one of the financial aide counselors, then I will schedule an appointment for the math placement test and then... see where God leads me from there.

I am SO excited about the possibility of what lies ahead!! Please pray that He will continue directing me in the path He wants me to take.... that He will continue to give me the courage and strength to do what He asks and that my ears and heart would remain open to hear and receive all that He has to say to me. Until next time... Blessings to you!

complaints....

2009-01-11T12:05:00.003-06:00

This morning I felt the Lord speak to me in regard to my heart and its state lately. There were two phrases that just spoke loudly to me:

First, "the circumstances you complain about become the chains that imprison you. And worship is the way out." Wow... that alone just... is such a powerful statement. Why would I want to become more bound up by my circumstances? I was reminded of all the hard times in the past where I have been in difficult situations and I had to literally force myself to Praise the Lord and worship Him for His goodness in spite of how things looked or even felt. I know I am at a similar place again. I have a heavy heart and I have been imprisoned by my complaints. As I was driving this morning the words of another song came to my mind and I began to sing it quietly...

All of my life,

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

It was all I could remember at the time but somehow I knew it was a good place to start.

Then a scripture was shared this morning which included "save your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day is out." ... I was struck with how it easy it is to complain and be critical of others because we base our complaints on our perspective alone. At this moment I am reminded of something I told my son last night... People are just people, they aren't perfect and they will fail or disappoint us. The amazing thing is though... GOD will NEVER fail us. He is still and always will be GOD.

The chorus of the song is a fitting conclusion:

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here.

The song is called Desert song (by Hillsong).

What an awesome God He is to remind me that I have a reason to worship. He really is good, isn't He?

He is with me....

2009-01-09T21:39:00.002-06:00

Have you ever noticed how God speaks in the little things? Today for example, was a rough day from the start at work. Then, I received an email forward from a friend. It was just a little thing and to be honest I was rather annoyed when I first read it but then later.... it came back to me loud & clear. It was a forward on little things to be thankful for such as I'm thankful that my gutters need to be repaired because it means I have a roof over my head and I'm thankful that my pants are too tight because that means I have plenty of food to eat.... and on it went. I shook my head and closed it and moved on to the next email. Then later at lunch with my friends we were airing our grievances on things going on and that email came back to me and I knew... the Lord was speaking to my heart. I found myself telling the girls about the email and I said, "so that means I need to be thankful for my job because even though it's a crazy-maker, at least it put a paycheck in my bank account today and I'm thankful that I even have a job". They all agreed. Even though it was hard to be thankful, I knew that's what God wanted me to do in that moment.

For the rest of the day I found myself dwelling on that. Trying to be thankful even in the hard things. So tonight as I was out shoveling I felt impressed to come in and once again write about 10 things I'm thankful for.

1) My job and the paycheck it provides and that for right now... it's where I'm supposed to be.

2) My friends and the relationships that have developed over the last eight years. We agree, the relationships are what have kept us there and that we're more than co-workers, we're a family.

3) My manager was able to get approval to step down into another position rather than something far worse and that even if I don't like it.... I understand... and even if it's hard, at least she'll be there for a little while longer.

4) For the pretty snow outside tonight that I went out and shoveled. It was beautiful and was a reflection of the purity of God. It was an opportunity to go outside and breathe fresh air and to think and pray.

5) For my sister being the voice of God to me tonight and recommending another good book but more importantly, offering to pray for me tomorrow.

6) For the Word of God and the peace it provides to my spirit. "God can do anything, you know". There is nothing that's impossible for God. There is no situation that's out of His reach.

7) For my friends outside of work who mean so very much to me.

8) For my family and the wonderful gift from God they are. Each one is special and unique in their own way and I love them dearly.

9) For lunch dates and movie nights that will make me smile tomorrow! =)

10) Most importantly, I'm thankful for my Father in Heaven who is my best friend, healer, guide, provider, peace, shelter, confidant, and ever present help and anchor in the storms of life. I know I couldn't live without Him.

Thank you Lord for the encouragement and love you have shown me today. Thank you for being with me each step of the way today. Thank you that you never leave me or forsake me. Thank you for gently nudging me along. I love you Lord...

A verse my sister shared with me tonight:

"God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently with in us.

Glory to God in the Church!

Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!

Glory down all the generations!

Glory through all millennia!

Oh, yes!

Ephesians 3:30 (the Message)

Today... His Spirit deeply and gently nudged me... He's so Great isn't He?

Good night.

Power in a song...

2009-01-08T22:10:00.005-06:00

Today while at work, I was listening to my ipod... trying to drown out the noise around me and the frustrations in my spirit and then this song came on and just... arrested me. I stopped and listened and then played it over and over. Granted, this is a song I've had on my ipod for quite awhile and yet... today it just was so... powerful to me. Even now I would like to type it out for you but can't. Take a listen... The song is titled, "Over My Head" by Starfield...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgGbxvAEqVM

The most powerful part to me is toward the end when he sings:

Ruined for anything other than Your love

I'm desperate to know You, Lord

Desperate for what's in store

Finding my hope in only You, in only You

Take me beyond this door

Lead me to something more

Open my heart up for more of You, more of You

As I listened at work and was overcome by the power of God's love and the power of this song. I was struck by this last part... to be ruined for anything other than Your love (to want nothing BUT His love)... I'm desperate to know You, Lord, desperate for what's in store. Finding my hope in only You, in only You. Take me beyond this door... lead me to something more. Open my heart up for more of You.

I find myself praying that... to be desperate to know Him more... to be desperate for what HE has for me... desperate for HIM. To find my hope in Him alone. Take me beyond this point in my life spiritually. While walking through a new door physically in terms of a job is important to me... walking through the door to something more in the spiritual realm... more of HIM... just overwhelms me.. it's over my head. Open my heart up for more of You Lord. I want to be lost in your presence Lord.... like I am in this moment and yet to go deeper still.

Open my heart to see Your beauty around me. Open my heart to experience more of Your friendship... to experience more of YOU.

Little nuggets...

2009-01-06T06:42:00.003-06:00

It always seems to amaze me how the Lord drops little things along the way to remind me of His presence or His love. This morning for example as I finished my Bible reading (in my one-year Bible) there was just this little bit that said:

"But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm." Proverbs 1:33

I keep going back to it... it's so simple and yet so true. I began to reflect on moments recently.... A moment of panic and I heard His whisper, "It's OK... I'm right here. I haven't left you and I will take care of you."... Peace instantly came and flooded my heart. Or a moment of uncertainty and I heard, "Just listen for My voice and I will lead you and guide you in the path you should take." Isn't it amazing? Just to know in those moments that no matter what I'm facing, He's there... to comfort, to guide, to soothe, to love... to meet every need I may have. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still have those moments, don't we all? Always without fail though, if I just take the time to listen... I can live in peace and not be troubled or afraid. He has me covered and He loves me no matter what.

God's just so amazing... isn't He?

Bonnelle

Decisions for the New Year...

2008-12-27T10:36:00.007-06:00

I am currently searching out new opportunities for employment... it's a very strange thing. When you have worked at the same place for over eight years you become comfortable there. I know there are other places and other opportunities available but at the same time, it just seems strange. I am praying about this a lot because it's a big decision for me. Is it time to leave this company or just this position? Is it time to branch out and meet all new people and learn new things?

This morning as I was reading my Bible the portion from Psalms was this:

Psalm 146:1-8:

Praise the Lord!

Let all that I am praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord as long as I live.

I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

Don't put your confidence in powerful people;

there is no help for you there.

When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,

and all their plans die with them.

But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,

whose hope is in the Lord their God.

He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them.

He keeps every promise forever.

He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.

The Lord frees the prisoners.

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.

The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.

The Lord loves the godly.

It just reminded me of the Truth that I know... that God will take care me and my family. He has a place for me and He knows exactly where He wants me. I have placed my hope in Him so I can be joyful and know that He will take care of everything that concerns me. I don't understand what's going on and why but I do know that He does and really... that's all that matters! So... Praise the Lord! Let all that I am praise the Lord. I will praise Him as long as I live!

May you have a blessed New Year and may it be spent Praising the Lord with all that is within you!

Bonnelle